Let the Plate Pass

“…It’s ok to let the plate pass.” As I sat in the familiar pew, eyes closed, head bowed, listening to my Pastor’s prayer before our time of communion, my heart throbbed with conviction at his honest and truth-filled guidance. He was instructing our body of believers on when to break this bread, partaking in the Lord’s Supper, and when to let the plate pass. His biblical guidance stood firm on having a moment of true reflection. (1 Cor. 11:27-32)

Waking up that morning, I would have shallowly reflected and silently responded something resembling, “I’m fine, everything’s fine.” But in my reflection sitting in the pew, hearing my Pastor’s words, I knew I wasn’t fine. Not really.

So, I let the plate pass.

You see, there’s this thing that gnaws at my mind. There’s this situation that weighs heavy on my spirit. There’s this person who has spewed much unwarranted hatred my way. There’s these choices another is making in their darkened state that directly affects my everyday life and plans. It fuels my flesh to feelings of unjustness, anger, resentment, and confusion. These feelings have led to a valley of un-forgiveness.

As a Christ-follower, Bible-reading, praying-woman, I’ve known there’s been work to do in this area. I have brought all of this before the Lord. Many times. But then something else unjust happens surrounding this situation, and I pick it all back up. All of it. Every last crumb I lay at my Saviors feet, I pick back up and store it safely in my valley of un-forgiveness. My valley of crumbs is getting full enough to feed an army. I feel trapped in this—let’s be honest—self-made valley of un-forgiveness, that is now poisoning my soul toward resentment of many things. The valley is no longer a remnant of my sloppy, immature, harboring crumbs of un-forgiveness. It has now become a dangerous valley with a poisonous reservoir of resentment running through it.

As a Christ follower it is not ok to settle into a reservoir of resentment, ruminating over the offense and justifying not forgiving this day.

Allowing a situation or another person the power over you to withhold forgiveness for them is; foolish, unbiblical, hypocritical, selfish, and disrespectful to Jesus—the bearer of all that should be deemed as unforgivable.

As Christ-follower’s when we find ourselves in a season of warring with our flesh and choosing to withhold true, bondage breaking, soul healing, forgiveness to another—over and over again if need be— we truly are only putting ourselves through more suffering.

Imagine you have a pair of handcuffs. You have the key to the cuffs. But, when we choose to harbor those crumbs of offenses, store them in the valley of un-forgiveness, while basking in the reservoir of resentment, it’s as if we are willingly handcuffing ourselves, then giving the key to the person we’re warring within our spirit to forgive, allowing them the power to unleash us from bondage.

Imagine we’re crowned with jewels representing God’s peace and joy He chose to leave His people through His Son, Jesus. But then we find ourselves bound with un-forgiveness and resentment. We may be in a season of forsaking the surrendering daily to Christ’s commands regarding this. So, when are not intentionally working toward a forgiving status, and find ourselves bound with un-forgiveness and resentment, so much so, that we can no longer wear our jewels of joy and peace. So we willfully take these beautiful, blood-shed, worthy gifts of jewels representing God’s peace and joy and throw them into a muddied pit of pigs. Then walk around in a confused, overcast, solemn manner, hoping and wishing for peace and joy from our darkened state. But, wait… don’t I have the gifts of joy and peace through Jesus?? Why do I keep throwing them to the dirty pigs?? Why do I keep giving away the key to un-cuff from this self-made bondage??

The apostle Paul does not sugarcoat his Holy Spirit guided instructions on forgiveness to the churches of Ephesus and Colossae. “Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice. Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you” (Ephesians 4:31-32 ESV). “Put on then, as God’s chosen ones, holy and beloved, compassionate hearts, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience, bearing with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other, as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive” (Colossians 3:12-13 ESV).

I’ve been foolish, I’ve had an unbiblical perspective of my situation, I’ve reeked of hypocrisy, I have displayed selfishness, and I have disrespected my Savior who died for all of the unforgivable things I’ve done and will do in the future. Who am I to withhold forgiveness in my heart toward another?

My God in His sovereignty ordered my feet to this place. What my miniscule flesh-fueled view chose to caption as unjust and foolishly unforgivable—My God sees and marks as a gift rendering me deeper into my journey of sanctification and dependency on His strength, His peace, His joy. Wow! With that perspective and heart stance, I know my God loves me! He loves me so much, He has aligned my life with so many situations that make little time for selfish gain, planning my days my way, and gratifying my flesh to death. What a glorious savior I serve that in my darkened depravity—He marked me with love and set me on a journey of sanctifying my soul, bringing me through trials and seasons of grief, long days and emotional suffering, all to reflect more and more the image of His perfect, blameless, sinless, Son, my Savior—Jesus Christ.

My God loves me.

Sometimes it’s ok to let the plate pass. The Lord’s conviction and correction displays His boundless love for us.

“My son, do not despise the LORD’s discipline or be weary of his reproof, for the LORD reproves him whom he loves, as a father the son in who he delights” (Proverbs 3:11-12 ESV).

I Trust my God, I Trust my God, I Trust my God.

Don’t Forget to Take the Trash Out

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I walked into the kitchen and bee-lined for the black trashcan. I was holding several items that needed to be thrown away—a crumbled up water bottle, a Barbie package my daughter needed to dispose of, and some old receipts I found at the bottom of my purse. I opened the lid and to my dismay the trash was full. So what did I do? You guessed it. I shoved my newly trash items in the full trashcan. When it didn’t seem to budge, I just kept on shoving. I mean the trash was running the next morning, so I wanted to fill it to the brim before taking it out.

Let’s talk trash.

I know I’m not the only one who shoves so much trash in the can before taking it out. Disclaimer: I have a self-diagnosed cleaning disorder, so my trash may be filled to the top of the can, but it’s not overflowing to the floor. And it doesn’t stink. So it’s fine, right?

You can deny it all you want—but I know you do this too. It seems to be human nature to get away with piling as much trash up as we can before taking it out.

Why do we do this?

Is it laziness? Do we want to conserve as many trash bags as possible? For me, at times it turns into a mental game. How much can I get in the bag before I take it out? Then, I can have a fresh bag in the trashcan for as long as possible with no trash living in it. I’m sure I sound a level of neurotic right now. But, don’t you feel satisfied when the trash is finally taken out and you have the fresh bag residing around the can, untouched, so fresh, exuding purity and, cleanliness?

If I’m this obsessed with the trash in the can, how much more should I be concerned with the trash that pollutes my spiritual life?

Can we go there?

Let’s keep talking trash.

You can’t see every item in the can making up the trash. Not every item dispels an odor. But we know it is trash because it was discarded. Not everyone can see the trash (aka sin) polluting our spiritual lives. Not every sin dispels an offensive odor that all those around us could call garbage in our lives. No, no… sin can appear much more innocent than that. It fact, instead of looking like trash, it can resemble treasure or success in the eyes of the world. But as Christ followers we need to be bold enough to call out the sin in our own lives, no matter how innocent it appears at first or no matter how justified our flesh feels in our sin.

Imagine living in a garbage can. Imagine the disgust. Imagine the filth, the odor, the rodents, and the creepy crawlies living with you. Imagine death overcoming you because you couldn’t survive living in the trash. It makes you shudder, doesn’t it? That is what sin is to our spiritual life. For my Christ-following readers—you may be thinking that’s not you. In a prideful moment, I’d say the same, but I’d be lying. With entering a new year less than twelve hours ago, I’m desperately craving transparency and authenticity in my sanctification journey with my Savior.

If you’re on my friend’s list on social media—you may have seen my highlight reel of life throughout this last year. While those highlights are truth and I’ve no doubt experienced an abundance of blessings… Like many of you, I’ve also experienced a myriad of minor valleys. Though minor, the valleys left me feeling less than. It led me to act in anger and frustration. My heart experienced a level of hardening, and I fought against rebelling in certain areas. I secretly questioned the sovereignty of God through selfish temper tantrums. I questioned my visibility and value from those around me. Not one of the above reflected the image of my Savior. So, I’ll call it what it was—sin.

But, no one knew these particular sins I failed to surrender in my own power this year.

My sin was quieter than the drug addict down the street. My sin wasn’t harming anyone like the murderer in the big city. In my un-surrendered and let’s be honest, un-repented sin—I was still loving toward my family, I still showed up at church, I still worshipped my God—but it was there. Like the trash piled in the trashcan wasn’t really a big deal because it wasn’t overflowing to the floor and it didn’t really stink—my flesh wanted to argue that my sin wasn’t really that big of a deal either because it wasn’t visible to anyone in my life or truly affected others. So, I just kept shoving more anger down and my heart got a little more hardened and no one knew.

It’s fine. It’s fine. Everything’s fine.

Until it’s not.

Until you go to take the trash out (that wasn’t that bad) and the trash bag rips, expelling trash all over the floor. Now everyone can see all the hidden trash. I bet hidden odors even erupt through the air. There’s no hiding all of the trash now.

The Holy Spirit is continually urging me away from my sinful tendencies. This year, I was confronted with a side of myself that scares me. I can see how much pride and anger are lurking in me. It’s been there for thirty-three years, no doubt, but God used an uncharted situation in my life this year, to dig it out. Though, I’ve allowed sin to raid my thoughts and secret emotions this year—no more. With the help of the Holy Spirit, I vow to surrender all that doesn’t reflect Christ and continually take the trash out—dumping away the darkness that fogs my thoughts and attempts to steer my emotions toward sinful action. My prayer is—you will do the same…over and over and over…until we are perfected with Christ in glory.

As Christ-follower’s, we are called to be different. Our thoughts are supposed to be different than the world’s thoughts. We are called to react to situations differently. We don’t look like the lost world around us. Just as the Apostle Paul writes in Ephesians, “Now this I say and testify in the Lord, that you must no longer walk as the Gentiles do, in the futility of their minds. They are darkened in their understanding, alienated from the life of God because of the ignorance that is in them, due to their hardness of heart. They have become callous and have given themselves up to sensuality, greedy to practice every kind of impurity. But that is not the way you learned Christ!—assuming that you have heard about him and were taught in him, as the truth is in Jesus, to put off your old self, which belongs to your former manner of life and is corrupt through deceitful desires, and to be renewed in the spirit of your minds, and to put on the new self, created after the likeness of God in true righteousness and holiness” (Ephesians 4:17-24 ESV).

I pray you no longer walk in the futility of your mind. I pray you are no longer darkened in your understanding. I pray you are no longer alienated from the life of God.

Let’s not keep shoving down the trash from 2022.

2023—New Year—Same Jesus.

Don’t forget to take the trash out.

I Trust my God. I Trust my God. I Trust my God.

When the Fruit Bowl is Empty

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My mouth watered as the aroma of coffee filled my nostrils. It was early morning. The house was quiet and dark. Early morning is my favorite part of the day. My mind is sharp, my body is most alive, my spirit rejoices in a new day. As my favorite coffee mug, marked with the words “But first Jesus” was filling up, my eyes darted around the kitchen. Low growls from my stomach signaled my eyes to the fruit bowl on the end of the counter. It was full. Beautiful bright yellow bananas lay neatly against ripe avocados. I smiled with relief. The fruit bowl was full. The fruit in the bowl was healthy and ready to be devoured. Too many times I rush in and out of the grocery store and forget the family fruit. Too many times I am not paying attention to the fruit in the bowl and it rots before enjoyment.

Not today though, the fruit was full and thriving.

As I carefully picked out the best looking yellow banana to enjoy with my morning coffee the Holy Spirit began convicting me. I was so excited about the fruit bowl being full and honestly proud of myself for keeping up with its goodness. The sweet conviction regarding my recent lack of concern with my spiritual fruit was blindingly clear.

Can I take a second and stake claim on God’s goodness—I LOVE moments like this. The Holy Spirit can and will use anything in our daily lives to continue to pursue us deeper. It’s not like I’d been running from the Lord or was hiding some secret sin or anything of the sort. But, if I’m being honest I hadn’t been living out the fruits of the spirit as of late. My mind went back to several moments in the past week. I was not gentle in my words toward my children—impatience won. I was not loving my husband the way I know the Lord’s Word instructs me to. My peace and joy wavered on my comfortability. When the house was too messy or chaotic I was not patient or kind. Don’t even get me started on when my plan for the day or week was interrupted—I did not act in a self-controlled manner. Without the manifestations of these fruits my spiritual fruit of faithfulness and goodness were buried.

I’m sure you’ve heard the term, “one bad apple spoils the whole bunch.” As this is true for the fruit sitting in our fruit bowls on our kitchen counters, the same notion can be applied to the spiritual fruits in our lives.

Galatians 5:22-24 speaks of the fruits of the spirit—love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. When we’re not keeping step with the spirit in just one of these fruit bearing areas it affects the other fruits of the spirit. If I’m not meeting my family with patience, how am I loving them well? If I’m not loving them well, my joy will fade. Without my joy there will be no peace. Without peace there goes my self-control, gentleness, kindness, goodness and faithfulness. They’re all connected and intertwined.

It’s a war.

It’s a constant battle between our flesh and our spirit.

It’s an impossible battle to win on our own. Thank God we’re not alone in this pursuit of daily victory to bear the beautiful God glorifying ripe fruits of the spirit.

“But I say, walk in the Spirit, and you will not gratify the desires of the flesh. For the desires of the flesh are against the Spirit, and the desires of the Spirit are against the flesh, for these are opposed to each other, to keep you from doing the things you want to do” (Galatians 5:16-17, ESV). Paul is laying it out in these scriptures the life long battle of keeping in step with the spirit. When we are in Christ we should be repulsed by the things of this world; “sexual immorality, impurity, sensuality, idolatry, sorcery, enmity, strife, jealousy, fits of anger, rivalries, dissensions, divisions, envy, drunkenness, orgies…and those who do such things will not inherit the kingdom of God” (Galatians 5:19-21, ESV).

I read this list and want to immediately put on my Pharisee cloak and holier than thou response of “that’s not me, I don’t do those things.” But then my best friend—Holy Spirit—comes knocking on my heart and gently nudges me to look in the mirror (spiritually speaking). My face reddens with embarrassment as I admit my battles with levels of idolatry—the need to fit in, the desire to be seen, the idolatry of self. I realize how I’ve allowed division in my home when being vulnerable feels too hard to do at times. Or what about scrolling through social media and envy arises when I see another woman’s perfect figure, glowing hair, or seemingly perfect life? What about that burst of anger I recently had in secret because something didn’t go my way?

When we shrug off these seemingly insignificant opponents of the spirit and character of God we can quickly become complacent. Our fruit begins to have a rotten spot. But our flesh argues that it’s just one rotted spot. We’re still good, it’s not that bad. So we continue in our anger, strife, jealousy or idolatry ways until before we know it all of the fruit in the bowl is full of rot and reeks of disgust.

I.Need.Jesus

Every.Day

All.Day

“And those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the flesh with its passions and desires” (Galatians 5:24, ESV).

Those who belong to Christ Jesus…

These words excite my spirit and calms my over anxious flesh. I don’t have to figure it out on my own. I don’t have to strive in my own power to stay in step with the Spirit. I am in Christ. Paul writes about the spiritual blessing we have in Christ when we are in Christ. “Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who has blessed us in Christ with every spiritual blessing in the heavenly places, even as he chose us in him before the foundation of the world, that we should be holy and blameless before him. In love he predestined us for adoption as sons through Jesus Christ, according to the purpose of his will, to the praise of his glorious grace, with which he has blessed us in the Beloved. In him we have redemption through his blood, the forgiveness of our trespasses, according to the riches of his grace, which he lavished upon us, in all wisdom and insight making known to us the mystery of his will, according to his purpose, which he set forth in Christ as a plan for the fullness of time, to unite all things in him, things in heaven and things on earth” (Ephesians 1:3-10, ESV).

What life giving news. Even though I know this truth, it still amazes me on the days when my flesh rages war on the Spirit and my steps may not align with the Spirit. I don’t have to stay in that place. You don’t have to stay in that place. We have a loving, big, Heavenly God who chose another way for us. We don’t have to succumb to a life of anger and confusion. We don’t have to question every aspect of our lives—surrender. Surrender the bad day, the intense season—ask Jesus into it. Ask Him to reveal Himself, to immerse Himself and change you from the inside out. The most exciting thing about having a relationship with Jesus Christ is the never-ending growth He pursues us to. We have much to rejoice about as children and heirs of Christ.

When my fruit bowl appears empty or I can sense rotted spots in my fruit (spiritually speaking)—I will keep running to the truth of God’s word. I pray you do the same my friend. I pray you surrender where you are and walk by the spirit, steadily and continuously putting to death the desires of the flesh and yielding beautiful God-glorifying fruit all the days of your life.

I Trust my God, I Trust my God, I Trust my God.

Momma, How Did Daddy Cody Go To Heaven?

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“Momma, can I ask you a question?” I heard my five-year-old say. I closed my eyes and patiently replied, “yes.” This had to have been the 27^th question in the last ten minutes.

“Okay, momma, can you turn the music off and come sit with me.” Her tone changed. I put my makeup brush down, paused my worship playlist on my phone and turned my attention to my daughter who sat on the bathroom floor drawing. (disclaimer—she likes to be right next to me in the mornings getting ready for school and work, so I let her draw or color on the bathroom floor while I get ready.) Her eyes were curious. She pointed to the small area in front of her, silently asking me to sit with her again. I sat.

“Momma, how did my Daddy Cody go to heaven?”

Silence.

I had known this was coming. I had been preparing myself for this conversation for about two years. Heaven is not a new topic for us. She knows Heaven is our forever home. She’s asked many questions about her Daddy Cody who went to Heaven when she was 8-months old. She understands he’s not here and he is in Heaven with Jesus. But she hadn’t put together that there has to be a physical aspect of dying to get to Heaven.

I hesitated. She’s five. I don’t want to tell her too much. But I want to tell her truth. I asked what exactly she meant? “What happened for him to go to Heaven?” she repeated. “Jesus just came down and got him, and poof, he’s gone?” she questioned.

I almost giggled at her detailed analysis. “Didn’t something happen to him for him not to be here?” she asked again.

“Yes,” I replied. “Do you think you’re ready for this conversation?” She immediately nodded her head, yes.

As tears formed in my eyes, I grabbed her hand and asked the Holy Spirit for help before beginning the toughest conversation of her five years.

“Daddy Cody went fishing one night on the lake we lived on. We had a small boat he would use when he went fishing. He texted me to let me know he was almost done and going to be headed in soon. Momma fell asleep with you and woke up hours later and he wasn’t in bed. So, I got up and went through the house. No sign of him. I started calling and texting him. No response. I went out to the pier with a flashlight, and I couldn’t see or hear anything. Momma didn’t really know what to do so I decided to wait until morning, so I could see better. I thought he went to a friends house around the lake and maybe his phone ran out of battery.” I paused. “What happened next, mommy?” she asked.

I took a deep breath and began again, “I waited until morning, and when I still couldn’t see anything, I called a neighbor and they got on boats and went across the lake. When they returned with no news, I called 911 for help. They sent someone called a Game Warden with a big boat and equipment that can see under water to scan the lake. The boat looked all day, but they couldn’t find him.”

“Where did he go, what happened to him?” she asked. “We didn’t know exactly what happened,” I responded. “The Game Warden looked for 5 days before they found daddy in the water.”

“Five days, that’s a long time!” she exclaimed. “Yes, baby it is.”

“But what happened to him for him to go to Heaven?” she asked.

I replied, “Daddy somehow tipped the boat and went under the cold water and couldn’t get out.”

She leaned over and brushed the tears off my face. “But daddy trusted God, so he went to Heaven?” she stated.

“Yes, baby, daddy trusted God, so he is in Heaven now.”

Her curiosity continued as she asked, “But what happens when someone has no more days left on earth and they didn’t trust God?”

With this question I was able to explain that as real as Heaven is-so is a place called hell, and how our enemy, the devil schemes to turn people away from Jesus.

“Mommy, I’m going to trust God all of my life so I can go to Heaven one day too! And Daddy Cody will be there to hug me!” she said.

It’s conversations like these that plunge the reality of life and death, and heaven and hell to the forefront of my mind. How am I living my life? Am I using every aspect of my life to glorify my Creator? On the really hard days I daydream of Heaven. I wonder about the glorious colors I’ve never seen before, the beautiful worship I’ve never heard before. I daydream about being face to face with Jesus. The absolute peace and all-consuming joy it would be. And then I remember Cody is there. I remember his beautiful worship on earth- I can’t wait to see him worship in Heaven. The sadness of the loss, the trauma of the loss dissipates a little more with each thought and wonder of Heaven.

This is not my eternal home.

Heaven is.

Jesus tells us in John 14, “Let not your hearts be troubled. Believe in God; believe also in me. In my Father’s house are many rooms. If it were not so, would I have told you that I go to prepare a place for you? And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come again and will take you to myself, that where I am you may be also. And you know the way to where I am going.” Thomas said to him, “Lord, we do not know where you are going. How can we know the way?” Jesus said to him, “I am the way, and the truth, and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me. If you had known me, you would have known my Father also. From now on you do know him and have seen him.” (1-7)

Do you ever think about Heaven? I mean really think about Heaven? Think of the most breathtaking landscape you’ve seen on earth and multiply that by infinity and I guarantee it doesn’t come close to the beauty in Heaven. Imagine your most healthy, productive, joy filled and peaceful day and multiply that by infinity and I wonder if that compares to our heavenly bodies and minds. I can’t fathom. But it excites me knowing there is so much more than the brokenness of this current life.

Peter states in 1 Peter 1:3-9, “Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ! According to his great mercy, he has caused us to be born again to a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead, to an inheritance that is imperishable, undefiled, and unfading, kept in heaven for you, who by God’s power are being guarded through faith for a salvation ready to be revealed in the last time. In this you rejoice, though now for a little while, if necessary, you have been grieved by various trials, so that the tested genuineness of your faith—more precious than gold that perishes though it is tested by fire—may be found to result in praise and glory and honor at the revelation of Jesus Christ. Though you have not seen him, you love him. Though you do not now see him, you believe in him and rejoice with joy that is inexpressible and filled with glory, obtaining the outcome of your faith, the salvation of your souls.”

Nothing can tarnish or extinguish the secure inheritance we have reserved in Heaven with Christ as our Lord and when we recognize Him as the One who took on death, to give us eternal life. Our faith is purified through our earthly trials. I pray your faith finds no falter through your present sufferings. I pray your mind stays eternally focused, knowing this life is a blink of an eye compared to eternity.

Paul writes in Colossians 3:1-3, “If then you have been raised with Christ, seek the things that are above, where Christ is, seated at the right hand of God. Set your minds on things that are above, not on things that are on earth. For you have died, and your life is hidden with Christ in God. When Christ who is your life appears, then you also will appear with him in glory.”

I’ve learned so much through loss. The Lord has revealed more of Himself to me during my darkest moments. When tough conversations or grief moments arise I’ll keeping choosing to set my mind on Heaven and the glory that waits. I choose to see life over death.

Happy 5 years in the Heavens, Cody Lusk. I’m thankful for you, and the life we created. You will forever be in my heart. 1.14.2017

I Trust my God, I Trust my God, I Trust my God.

Face to Face with Evil

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For 15 years your face has haunted me. The memory of your touch can still make my body tremble in terror. I can still feel your lips on my neck, breathing, and spewing disgusting profanity. I can feel your hands around my neck choking me. I can feel you jabbing something in my side through your oversized coat, telling me it was a gun. I can see us struggling in the middle of the store. You were pulling me to the front door, and I saw your car parked with the back door slightly ajar. Imagine my fear with the startling realization you were trying to take me. I can still hear your voice demanding me to undress. In an instant I am back in this dark moment. The moment I came face to face with evil for the first time in my life. You changed me this day. You took something from me. You took a part of my innocence. You took my ability to see anything but good in people. You took some of my fearless nature. You could have walked in that store taken the money and fled. But you chose to do so much more. You chose to be aggressive. You chose to hurt me. You chose to traumatize me. You chose to keep taking it further. I begged you to stop. I remember looking at you and pleading with you, I just wanted to see my mommy again. I was a child. I was 16 years old. You told me to shut up. You have been the star in my nightmares for 15 years. And I’m weeping as I type this because after all of this, I am the lucky one. Now look what you’ve done… A man, a hero, a husband, a daddy, is fighting for his life because he came across your evilness too.

You may have taken all of this from me, but you helped give me something that day too. I saw the power of my God. After you had the money, the others locked in the office, and ample access to the safe, you didn’t choose to leave. You demanded the other employees to stay in the office. I can still hear your voice and profane words demanding I take my clothes off. You still had me by the neck from behind, still steadily jabbing a “gun” into my side and threatening me with it. I remember I hadn’t seen the gun. In that moment I thought I’d rather be shot than raped and you rip my innocence from me. I remember a million thoughts in my mind. And then a name came to the forefront of my mind.

That name was Jesus.

Who is the most powerful of names? Jesus.

In this dark moment, in the midst of evil, my faith was awakened. I had always believed in God, and walked with God. But this moment God came down to me. He became more real to me than I’d ever experienced before.

“Jesus, Jesus, Jesus”. I began to whisper. I remember a boldness rising up in me when that name left my lips. “JESUS, JESUS, JESUS”, I repeated over and over. At some point I broke free from your grasp and domineering hold over me. I was standing face to face with you as I continued calling on my Jesus.

My fear fled.

But you, you looked fearful at this Name. You’ve known this Name. The demonic imps that were inside of you in that moment—they knew that Name. And you fled the scene.

I remember shaking uncontrollably. I remember running into the office and falling into the safety of the others. I remember wanting my mommy so badly. I knew my life wasn’t going to be the same. I had no idea how much this event would not only haunt me, but grow me. Oh but the haunting was so overwhelming. I hated that you have showed up in my mind night after night for 15 years. I get scared at an unexpected ring of the doorbell. I am shaken with instant fear if someone comes up behind me like you did that fateful morning in February 2006. My people know how serious I am about that silly scare tactic—you took the silliness out of it, and replaced it with an immediate survival mode that arises in me at even the mere thought of danger.

When you fled the scene that February morning in Houston County, Texas you began a chase with law enforcement. You were caught by a spike strip in Anderson County. The months turned into a year as we prepared for trial. I can still see you in the court room. You didn’t even appear remorseful. It was excuse after excuse. I remember being so angry that you claimed you did all of this because of PTSD issues from serving in the war. But then you gave an innocent 16-year old girl a lifetime of PTSD because of your aggressive and evil actions. None of it made sense to me. And the day of sentencing… The day it was official… you were going to lose 10 years of freedom, you rose up from your chair in the courtroom, guards’ appeared immediately as you demanded to speak to me. The look on your face was so distorted and scary.

But what you don’t know is during those 10 years I delved deeper and deeper into my relationship with God. He took me on a path of forgiveness. Though you haunted and tormented me in my night terrors, I continued to pray for you. I continued my journey of forgiveness. I wrote a half dozen letters to you (knowing I would never ever send them) but it was a part of my letting go of this traumatic event. The letters surrounded forgiveness. I found forgiveness in my heart for you. I saw the evil that overtook you, and honestly I began to pity you. I can still see your mama in the courthouse. I can see her with her eyes closed awaiting her turn to take the stand. I can hear her humming no doubt an old hymn. I could sense the anguish. I’ve prayed for your mama too.

I often feared retaliation for helping send you to prison. That fear would rear its ugly head throughout the years. While you were in prison I grew up. I married, and was living my life. Then I got the phone call from the District Attorney at the time of trial stating you were out, and living in Palestine. I remember being shaken up. But I also had so much hope that you had found freedom and Jesus during your time away. We were now living in the same small town. I wondered what I would be like running into you or if you found me. I knew you had found me that day in 2018 when I woke up to a Facebook Friend Request from you. I remember rising up in bed. I remember opening and closing my eyes trying to determine if this was one of my many nightmares. Nope. I was awake. I remember throwing my phone in fear at just seeing your face and name- DeArthur Pinson- right there on my phone. I wept in my bed, turning into a scared little girl again. My thoughts went to my little girl sleeping in the next room. All my fears weren’t just about me anymore. I had someone to protect.

I look back over the last 15 years and shudder from the anxiety attacks, all of the secret fears I fight daily. In the same thoughts I have an overwhelming thankfulness my God showed up in the midst of the attack. I know the ending could have easily been so different for me.

Just this week, you met me in my nightmares once again. For what seemed liked the millionth time. Your presence was overwhelming in my mind. I’ve been on alert all week, more so than usual. Imagine my surprise to wake up Saturday morning with your face plastered all over my social media newsfeed, opening the wounds I’ve tried to mend. My heart palpitating out of my chest reading what you had done. My prayers for you to change hadn’t come to pass. The evil was rampart. The thought of you on the run struck me to my core. My heart was ripped knowing the physical pain you’ve now caused a man, and the emotional pain you’ve caused his beautiful family and community. Your face, the face that has haunted me for 15 years was being shared all over. Now everyone can see the face that has visited me in the night. It’s heavy, these emotions, this trauma feeling… It’s hard to even put into words.

But I do know one thing… You will no longer haunt me. You will no longer be the root of fear over my life. You will no longer have power over me or my mind. My flesh is raging with anger of the cowardly way you chose to end things. Taking your life brings no justice to this now hurting family. But then selfishly I am eased, knowing if you couldn’t overcome the evil that lurked in you—at least now you’re not here to hurt someone else. For years I have faced the fear of the possibility of seeing you again and now once and for all I can lay that fear to rest. So many emotions, it’s so heavy. I have to remind myself of Ephesians 6:12, “For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this age, against spiritual hosts of wickedness in the heavenly places.”

You do not win. I vow this chapter is closed. The enemy will no longer use your face to illuminate fear over me. I am not a victim, but an overcomer with Christ in me.

Now your face doesn’t have to be hidden in my mind, because everyone knows your face too. In some indescribable way that brings freedom to my soul and spirit. I didn’t even know how bound up I still was until this. But freedom reigns.

Now I will spiritually stand in the gap for the pain you’ve caused Trooper Chad Walker, his family, community and the community of law enforcement. The evil of man is real, but the power and redemption of my God is real and much more powerful than any evil.

As I sit here and type these words, feeling the fresh wind blow on my face, I am overwhelmed with life and love. You didn’t take that from me. And now you no longer have the ability to take anything from another innocent human. Now you’re spending eternity answering for your actions and I pity your soul.

To Trooper Walker and your family I am declaring Numbers 6:24-26 over you and all effected by this recent tragic event, “May the LORD bless you and keep you; the LORD make his face to shine upon you and be gracious to you; the LORD lift up his countenance upon you and give you peace.”

I Trust my God, I Trust my God, I Trust my God.

When Your Scars Bleed

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If grief were a person…. It’d be you.

Grief would be handsome.

Grief would be strong.

Grief would be full of life.

Grief would be you.

Some days when your memory is just too strong I jump in my red SUV and drive. Then I drive some more. Sometimes I blast Worship music and sing to the Heavens that is now your home. But sometimes I listen to our songs. Sometimes I listen to bad rap music and I force myself to let the anger out. Sometimes I just drive and cry. Today was one of those days. I could feel you in the passenger seat. I could feel your presence. Your overwhelming, undeniable, all-consuming presence. I wanted so badly to reach out and touch your face. To feel your strong hands and arms around me. But then I force myself to shake away the thoughts that will inevitably send me into a dark spiral of emotions.

It’s been 3.5 years. Yet some days it feels like yesterday. Every time I feel strong and steady in my new life I’m knocked down with triggers of you, us, our life, the good and bad. It is literally all consuming. I still… after 3.5 years wake up looking for you… reaching for you. Sometimes I wear your deodorant to bed just to smell you near. That is so weird, I know, I know. But loss and grief make you do weird things.

I’ve grown a lot these last 3 years. I wonder if you’d even recognize the woman I am. Almost every big decision I’ve made since you’ve been gone, I see your face. I wonder if you’d be proud. I wonder so many things. I wonder when I will be able to let you go. I wonder when your memory will fade so much so that I can truly allow someone else in. I wonder. I wonder so many things.

I feel selfish. I see other’s lives move on. Marriages, babies, family vacations, and in some ways I feel so stuck in the past. I know where my mind goes isn’t healthy at times. But this journey is just that- a journey. Some days I get it right and I’m strong and can inspire others to be strong during life’s tragedies. But then there are the days I’m crumbling inside. The days I take out my grief box and I delve in. “Missing you comes in waves, and tonight I’m drowning”. Some days I have to allow myself to drown in you.

My scars are bleeding. My heart is throbbing with pain and love. My mind is jumbled with confusion and frustration, anger, but acceptance. Grief is literally a million emotions and thoughts mangled together. It changes you. Sometimes I’m thankful for the change. Other times I hate who I’ve become because I’ve forced myself to be cold and uncaring.

Tonight I’m drowning. Tonight my scars are bleeding.

I know I’ll see you again. But I want “again” to be right now. I want to hit your chest with my small fists. I want to run into your strong arms. I want to scream into your ears. I just simply want you. I want to go back in time and change so many things. All we needed was a little more time to get things right. I could see us flourishing. But we ended too soon and I will never understand that part. But I have to force myself to choose every day to accept it.

I know God has an amazing plan for my life. A plan that somehow had to include all of this. It had to include all of the scars I carry.

I remember July 4, 2012 like it was yesterday. The day I met you. That morning I woke up from a dream crying. I dreamt I was a mother. I dreamt of a little blonde haired, blue eyed girl, holding me and whispering in my ear that she loved me. That was the day a seed was planted and I had an overwhelming desire to be a mother. Looking back on that dream, it was our baby girl holding me and whispering “I Love You”. God gave me that dream, I have no doubt.

Now she’s 4 years old, vivacious, full of life and creativity. She’s a part of you, but without you.

She doesn’t remember anything about you.

It’s like a whole other life I lived. A life that only I remember. It’s so surreal. Tonight I’m drowning in you. Drowning in your songs, drowning in your words, drowning in your pictures, drowning in you.

I know tomorrow will be better. It always is. But tonight I’ll let my scars bleed.

“Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go.” Joshua 1:9. This scripture gives me so much peace. God is with me on my good days and my bad days. He is with me on the days I get it right and the days I fall down and allow myself to feel the pain of your absence. He is my rock, my strength, my salvation.

Maybe tomorrow I’ll get it right.

I Trust my God, I Trust my God, I Trust my God.

The Power of Making Your Bed

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Bed2

Charles Duhgg wrote the following quote in his book, The Power of Habit, “Making your bed every morning is correlated with better productivity, a greater since of well-being, and stronger skills at sticking with a budget.”

Making your bed is described as a ‘keystone habit’.

Did you make your bed today?

To be honest I hadn’t in days.

I laid in the darkness, only a slight sliver of what resembled sunlight peeked through the heather grey blinds that blanketed the windows. I covered my face deeper into my new plush pillows. I grabbed my yellow blanket and snuggled into its softness. I didn’t want to get out of bed. I didn’t want to face the day just yet. I didn’t want to play the juggler in the circus act of my current life. “Welcome to Jessica’s Circus”, I whispered under my breath as I forced the comfy yellow blanket off me and hopped off my gigantic King sized bed. Before I even had a chance to relieve my bladder in silence two little footsteps came bouncing across the hall and entered my room, “Mommy!”

…A new day has dawned. Whether I’m prepared for it or not. Whether my mental capacity is coherent enough to tackle the day of cartoon watching, a dozen snack trips to the pantry, in between work calls, quotes, and video chat meetings for work… The days are long but the weeks have been short. If that even makes sense.

Disclosure: I am beyond thankful to have had the ability to work from home and not skip a beat in my household income with the COVID-19 fiasco attacking our country. I am so blessed. BUT.

But, I am a person who thrives on routines, and excelling at tasks and goals. Whether that is health and fitness goals, spiritual peacefulness, accomplishments at work, all while feeling connected to my daughter and making sure I’m taking the time to play with her and be fully present. You know what I have excelled at the last 7 weeks or so? Eating snacks. Yep. I should have a gold trophy shipped to me for successfully walking to the refrigerator and eating. Insert laughing gif. But for real. The struggle has been REAL.

The other day I had to force myself to do the bare minimum just to get through the day. My mind and emotions were blurry, unclear and confusing. I couldn’t seem to catch a grip on the day I was in. I fell to my knees and cried out to the Lord. I know He hears my cries. I know He can see my heart. I know He knows I mean well in all areas of my life but I’m failing in all the areas I’m trying so hard in. I can hear Him sweetly telling me, “stop trying so hard, surrender, give all of those anxious burdens and fears to me, My daughter”. Why is this so hard?

When I got up from the floor after that prayer time, I immediately had the urge to make my bed.

So I made my bed.

Then I put a load of laundry into the washer. Then I built mini houses out of blocks with my daughter. Then I sat in my home office and returned clients phone calls and submitted the paperwork I needed to for that day. I even logged onto my Continued Education Training and started my Exam that had an upcoming due date. I was able to successfully complete 4 courses that day.

The Power of Making Your Bed.

Now obviously I’m not saying that making your bed releases some sort of magical powers within the atmosphere. But it does kick start your mind into productive thoughts. Thoughts lead to actions. Actions lead to productivity. Before you know it your days “To Do” list has dwindled significantly.

In these last few weeks’ potential new idols have risen in my personal life; the idol of food, the idol of T.V or mind-numbing entertainment, and honestly the idol of just being lazy. My days went from 90 to nothing virtually overnight—like so many of yours did too. It was nice to slow down. For a few days at least. But with my type of personality if I’m not setting and reaching new goals I get sedentary in my mind and how my time is spent drastically changes. I don’t like it.

I don’t like spending my time outside of the Will of God. My soul feels unsettled. I know when I’m not living to glorify my Heavenly Father and my heart aches in streams of poison. It’s so easy to get off track. Just think about it… it can be so difficult to cultivate healthy eating habits (for most of us anyway). It can take months and for some years to truly get a grip in this area—but it can only take a few days and weeks to spiral back into unhealthy habits. Addicts of alcohol or forms of drugs can spend years going around the same old mountain, years of rehab and counseling, finally life is back on track. Then they have a bad day and that bottle or high is calling their name again. What they spent years getting out of took seconds for the enemy to ensnare them in again.

Same goes for almost every area in our lives. Honing in on our unique gifts, talents and creativeness feeds our souls. Imagine your, “Best Self Days”, what if every day you woke up and you were naturally “Your Best Self”? Like without even trying…

Want to know a TRUTH? Jesus made that possible. Literally all we have to do is invite HIM into every area of our day, big or small. Invite HIM into every dark crevice of our minds. Invite HIM into every hidden area of our hearts. You know… the areas that we pretend don’t exist, our little secrets that we don’t mention to our best friends, spouses, or even counselors? Well guess what? God already knows those areas you try to hide. He is already there. He already accepts YOU as you are and where you are.

How unbelievably beautiful is that? But it takes us making the decision. It takes us to begin to hate the areas of our lives that hold us back from being our best, truest, purist selves. Ask yourself what those areas are? Is it too much self-doubt? Addiction or idolatry of some sort? Hidden sexual sin? Self-pity? Jealousy of others? Un-forgiveness? What is holding you back from the life the Lord has planned for you? It’s not enough to just hate the behavior. We have to discover the root of the behavior. Why do we do the unhealthy and life-sucking things we do? Why do we keep ending up in these same cycles of behavior that continue to keep us from living our absolute best lives the Lord has intended for us to live?

If you noticed no-where have I said mastering this mindset will protect you from life’s hurts or tragedies. Because it won’t. Jesus Himself warns us in John 16:33, “… In the world you will have tribulation. But take heart; I have overcome the world.”

We can’t control the bad things that may come our way in this life. We can’t control the decisions of others that may have a negative effect on our life. We can’t always control what happens around us or to us, but we can control how we react.

We have to learn to ‘control the controllable’.

What are you in charge of in your life and throughout your day? Your thoughts, your actions, your mood, your attitude toward others, your work ethic, how you choose to react to situations and people, surrendering to the Lord, what you decide to put into your body- which is the temple of the holy spirit (1 Cor. 6:19). These are all things I can control.

At times I am so overwhelmed inside because I am trying to control everything around me. I am stressing myself out trying to control things that will never, ever be in my control. I forget the power of baby steps into positive thinking and relinquishing control.

Control the controllable.

For me… Every day it starts with making my bed. I pray blessings over my day as I straighten the sheets over my king-sized mattress. I ask the Lord to take captive of any thoughts that are not from Him or glorify Him. As I move my grey velvet comforter back into place, I ask the Lord to give me His creativeness over my work and patience in my parenting toward my daughter. With each fancy throw pillow I set into place, I begin to bind the enemy for any tricks or schemes he may throw my way in an attempt to deter my walk with the Lord. Finally, as I roll my Aztec printed blanket in front of my decorative pillows, I ask the Lord to continue to remind me that I am His and that I am not in control of everything- He is.

Who knew something as simple as making the bed could become so powerful?

Did you make your bed today?

“Whatever you do, work heartily, as for the Lord and not for men, knowing that from the Lord you will receive the inheritance as your reward. You are serving the Lord Christ.” Colossians 3:23-24.

And for all of those things I simply cannot control I will continue to repeat…

I Trust my God, I Trust my God, I Trust my God.

In the Blink of an Eye

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This morning, like every morning I had my “On This Day” memories flow through my social media timeline.

4- years ago on this day my late husband caught a 7lb bass. He had me follow him out to our tackle shed as he posed, grinning ear to ear, showing off his catch. I would have been pregnant at this time… big and pregnant.

This same picture cuts a place deep in my soul—It was a picture used during the 5-day search for him in 2017. It’s a beautiful picture. It’s a sad picture. It’s a joyful picture. It’s a picture that reminds me of what is truly important in this life.

With the world in a craze hysteria over the Covid-19 outbreak, my emotions are wrecked. Not in fear, but I am being reminded of emotions tied to trauma and loss. The feeling of not being in control. The feeling of your whole world being turned upside down in the blink of an eye. The feeling of losing something or someone you hold so dear to your heart. None of that is in our control. This sickness is not in our control. The way others react to this virus or any code red situation is not in our control. What we can control is what we allow our minds to concentrate on. We can control how much we allow the media to penetrate our minds and emotions. No amount of fear will render aid to this virus, or any health concern for that matter. What does fear do? Fear creates mass hysteria. Fear creates empty shelves in the grocery store. Fear creates a shortage of the good stuff on a roll—toilet paper. (For the life of me I still do not understand why this is what is being bought in mass?) Fear does nothing positive or edifying to our spirits.

Do you see what happened in such a short time? People’s plans were cancelled. People’s agendas were halted. People can no longer stroll through the store without worry of essential items being bought out. Businesses are closing, schools are shutting down. No one has an answer to what is going to happen next. People that die today had plans for tomorrow. We all have plans and agendas. It’s okay if those plans and agendas look differently now. It’s okay that our lives are almost being forced to slow down. If we’re all honest, I bet it is much needed, mentally, physically and most importantly spiritually.

Time.

Time is one of the only things we can never get back once it’s gone. I don’t know about you, but through this mandated human distancing process- I am going to take advantage of this time and spend as much of it as I can with my 3 year old baby girl. If there is anything that tragedy and pandemics can teach us it’s that time is precious. Relationships with our loved ones is precious. Material things are not important. Climbing the corporate ladder for selfish reasons is not important. Being the next ‘Jones’ on the block is not important. I can go into my storage and see an entire section stacked with my late husbands things. Tools, some of it unused and brand-new, tool bags, fishing poles, man stuff… just things upon things. They’re here, but he’s not. When the end of my life comes I want to have a clear conscious knowing that I spent more time growing what truly matters; my faith, spending time with my child and loved ones, working hard at my job- but also not allowing my job to consume me as a person.

We’re all experiencing how fast our daily lives can change in the blink of an eye. I pray this virus is a short-lived epidemic. I pray our Communities, State, Nation and World find a way to cure its spread. But more importantly I pray that we can all embrace the goodness that still surrounds us. I pray people get in touch with the compassion still alive in each of our souls and extend help to the elderly, or the single mom who may seem overwhelmed with the new task of homeschooling. Ask the Lord to show you how you can be a blessing to someone else. If you’re not a person of faith then I ask that you be a light in some way to our dark world right now. Whether we believe differently spiritually, have different views politically or come from different ethnic backgrounds means nothing when we’re talking about basic human decency and being a positive asset in our individual communities. A song that came to mind as I was writing this blog is Mercy Me’s, In The Blink of an Eye:

“You put me here for a reason
You have a mission for me
You knew my name and You called it
Long before I learned to breathe

Sometimes I feel disappointed
By the way I spend my time
How can I further Your kingdom
When I’m so wrapped up in mine

In a Blink of an eye that is when
I’ll be closer to You than I’ve ever been
Time will fly, but until then
I’ll embrace every moment I’m given”

I am a strong believer in God. I know He is in control and sovereign. I know He is up to something big, bigger than all of our own personal agendas. As the above lyrics proclaim, He has put us here for a reason.

“Trust in him at all times, you people; pour out your hearts to him, for God is our refuge.” Psalm 62:8

“Be still, and know that I am God. I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth!” Psalm 46:10

I Trust my God, I Trust my God, I Trust my God

I Will Praise You Through The Pain

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I Trust My God

Photo By Brianne Campos Photography

“The LORD is my strength and my shield; my heart trusts in Him, and I am helped; therefore my heart exults. And with my song I shall thank Him.” Psalm 28:7

I made a decision a long time ago that I would praise You, always, Lord.

There was a time in my life when I didn’t understand what praising You meant.

There was a time in my life when You whispered to me to praise You, and I replied with, “I will not praise You when my life is a mess… fix this and then I’ll praise You.”

What a victim mentality that was.

That particular night 4 years ago is a moment I will never forget. The Lord got a hold of my heart and revealed Himself to me in a whole new light. I began to realize it’s not about what God can…

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Dear Cody…

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CML

Dear Cody,

I wanted to wish you Happy 3 years in the Heavens. I often daydream about what you could possibly be doing. Are you sitting at the throne of God? Are you in awe of the majesty and power that surround you? Are you dancing in worship, letting your radiant spirit shine? Or maybe, just maybe you’re on a pier on a beautiful heavenly lake with a fishing pole in your hand.

I wonder if you’ve met my Uncle Billy who joined you in Heaven almost 2 years to the day you went? Do you remember me telling you about him? He was my uncle who baptized me when I was a young girl. He was the one I’d wake up in the middle of the night and pray for throughout the years. You never got to meet him on this side of glory, but maybe you are friends now?

I wonder if you ever think of me or our life? I wonder what your capacity for earthly memories are? I wonder if you remember your life here at all? I wonder if you’d be proud of me?

Baby Abby is growing so beautifully. She has your laugh. Your deep belly giggle, and grin full of comic mischief. She has asked so many questions about you. “My daddy who held me when I was a baby?”, she’ll say. She asks to see pictures of you often. I’ll swipe through years of electronic photos of our life. She sees the ones with me in a white dress and she’ll gasp in excitement, “Mommie, you look like a Princess! Did you and my daddy get married!?”

Her little mind is so sharp and full of curiosity. At first the questions evoked an explosion of sad emotion throughout my soul… but now I can smile and enjoy telling her about you when she asks. She knows you loved her. She knows you didn’t choose to leave her. She knows you’re with Jesus. She knows Jesus lives in her heart, so she immediately says you live there too.

Your memory is so sacred to us. No matter where life takes us, we Love you.

I can close my eyes and remember my head on your chest. I can still hear your heart beating with life. I can see the light in your deep blue eyes. I can see the Love you had for Jesus and people shining out of you. I feel your arms around me. It used to be so hard to allow myself to remember you, to truly remember you. But grief is so beautiful when we allow God to lead us into healing. I grieve still, but I am so thankful for the memories. I’m thankful for our life, even though it was only for a few short years. I am thankful for where the Lord has brought Abby and I. He has taken care of us every step of the way. He has led an amazing man into our life. It’s weird to say this, but I know you would like him. He is a man after God’s heart. He prays for Abby and I daily. He has been an answer to so many of my prayers.

I want to thank you for showing me what Love is. I think back to that young innocent 23-year old girl who laid eyes on you and knew you were going to be in my life. I had no clue of the heartache and devastation ahead. But I do know the truth of Romans 8:28 “And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.” I have learned to be intentional in healing and grieving. I cry out to the Lord in my grieving. He does not forsake us. He does not leave any stone unturned.

My favorite “winks” from Heaven as I like to call them, are when someone who was touched by your life and testimony comes to me and shares the difference you made in their life. One gentleman in-particular comes to mind. He stopped me at church one day and with tears in his eyes told me he learned what true freedom in worship to the Lord was because of you. He could raise his hands to our Heavenly Father without embarrassment because of how you couldn’t contain your worship. You helped so many men struggling with addiction. You may have fallen in your life, but you never gave up. You always mustered strength and faith and kept walking. That is admirable. You taught me about God’s Grace. I didn’t have a revelation of that kind of Love prior to you. I will forever be thankful for the season of “us”.

I remember 3 years ago today talking with you on our front porch. Abby’s baby body was spread across my lap as she was fighting sleep. I was tired. You looked in my eyes and were concerned. I remember telling you, “I feel like I’m grieving and I have no idea why.” All I wanted to do was cry and sleep, which was abnormal. You sweetly told me to go rest. We had plans that day and I chose to sleep instead of spend time with you. I woke up a few hours later and felt so burdened spiritually. My heart was already aching before the tragedy happened. I often think about this. How could I have known devastation was looming? The Lord doesn’t give us a spirit of fear, but I believe when our spirits are in tune with Christ, we can feel things not of this world.

I want you to know I forgive you. I’ve learned harboring unforgiveness, especially for someone who is no longer on this earth, is dreadful. The Lord showed me my anger and unforgiveness was debilitating areas in my life.

I forgive myself. This one was hard. I forgive myself for being angry when you didn’t come home that night. I had no idea where you were, and I was mad at you. You texted me and told me you were checking the fishing lines one more time and then headed inside. But you never came back. Hours pass and I go out to the pier, I yelled and yelled for you but you never answered. Fog blanketed the dark lake. The silence was deafening. I stopped searching and I was mad at you. You weren’t here, and I was mad at you. I was mad for so many things I never said to you. I was mad at myself more than anything for not being emotionally present your last day on this earth. But the Lord has walked me through healing and forgiving.

Grief.

One small word that is loaded with emotion and meaning. A word that feels tangible at times. A word that has been my greatest enemy these past 3 years. A word that has become my greatest friend when I need to hide from the world and allow myself to “feel” the trauma and loss.

Though we may never fully grasp death or heaven on this side of glory we have to learn to accept it. I vowed to allow the hurt to change me in a way that glorifies God.

You’re the lucky one… Basking in glory… praising with the Angels…Giving everyone in Heaven your famous “Cody Hugs”… Living your best life…

P.S.

I will see you again one day.

Jess