Photo By Katherine Culpepper
Cody and I were standing in our bedroom. We were panicked. There was danger outside. Devastation looming ahead of us. We could see vividly out of the two double windows. The lake, the beautiful and peaceful lake lay in front of us. On the lake were six tornados coming our way. Six tornados spinning our direction, not slowing down. Cody in all his protective nature remained level headed. We thought we had more time. We took one more look out the window, it was inevitable—The tornados were too close. Cody grabbed my hand and said, “I Love you, are you ready?” The tornados ripped through the bedroom, ripped through our lives. Chaos abounded.
Then I woke up…
Cody and I were driving down the road. Cody was driving, while I was in the passenger seat. Something was happening. Danger was around us. Cody was trying to get away. We were going too fast. He went up a big hill of some sort. All of a sudden the vehicle was flying through the air. I looked out of the window and saw darkness. We began falling. Cody grabbed my hand and said, “I Love you, are you ready?” Darkness eclipsed us.
Then I woke up…
Cody and I were in our home office area. He was sitting in our nice leather office chair, reclining back a little bit. I was sitting on my knees next to him. He was working patiently teaching me something about our company office procedures. All of a sudden a huge explosion erupted outside of our home. We both grabbed our ears to stop the ringing. We looked around and it was beautiful, indescribable colors floating around us. Out of this world coloring and images. Gravity was failing us. We began floating in these colors. Cody grabbed my hand and said, “This is it, this is the end, I Love you, are you ready?”
Then I woke up…
My heart is beating out my chest recalling these dreams. All three dreams I had within the last 6 months of Cody’s life. All three dreams woke me up out of my sleep, shuddering from the realness. Shuddering with fear. I remember waking up and turning to my husband for him to cuddle me close. The dreams left me feeling insecure and aware of devastation looming.
But can we really be prepared for devastation? No. We. Can’t.
Over the six month period of having these dreams, I recalled each one to my husband the next morning. We would talk about what they could mean. If you know me, you know I have always had vivid and very detailed dreams. Some have a deep, underlying meaning, or some derived from eating too close to bedtime. These felt deep though. I thought about them regularly afterward and even shared them with my mother. The last one I had was within weeks of Cody’s death. I often think to myself if The Lord was trying to prepare my spirit in some way? Again, you can never be prepared for devastation.
My flesh cried out in fear after these dreams. Fear of the devastation becoming reality. But God did not give us a spirit of fear. “For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind.” 2 Timothy 1:7.
Power, Love, and a Sound Mind. For years I have fought to have these God characteristics. I have struggled to put on fearlessness. When I think back to the first year of marriage, as most newlyweds do, we had a tough first year and half of marriage. When I say tough, I mean tough. My biggest fear then- was our marriage ending in divorce. My biggest fear was becoming reality when we separated for 5 weeks and divorce papers were drawn. But God. God showed up. God changed me in those 5 weeks. My trust in Him grew more in 5 weeks than in my 25 years. I will never forget the day we had a supernatural breakthrough and we cried in joy as we shredded the divorce papers. Was marriage perfect after that season of darkness? No. But we were stronger for it. God walked me through my biggest fear then. To be honest, the enemy still had a stronghold of fear over me. The fear of ‘losing’ Cody never subsided. The fear of aloneness remained in the back of my mind. Aloneness was and is the root of my biggest fear.
Since my husband’s death, I have had many people share with me how amazed they are at my faith through this season of loss (nothing short of the Grace of God and trust me I have my dark days). I have had many people admit to me their biggest fear is losing their spouse or a close loved one. Many people have shared similar descriptions of how fear grips them to the point of a temporary paralyzing feeling. That fear was not and never will be from our Heavenly Father.
What happens when your biggest fear becomes reality? What happens when you wake up one day and you find that your whole world is destroyed by devastation? What do you do? Give into the paralyzing fear that you won’t be able to get up from it? Or fight your flesh and know that all you can do is surrender the fear. Give it up. I no longer want to be a slave to fear. I whisper the word fearless under my breath dozens of times a day. I am fearless in Christ. You are fearless in Christ.
Even in our worst fears—God is still here. Walking this faith journey and living through our biggest fears—brings beautiful glorify to our Heavenly Father. It makes us stronger warriors for Him. It doesn’t mean hard days will not come knocking—but we can have a peace in knowing Who holds those hard days and every trial we face during our time on this earth.
God is perfect love. If we abide in Him, we should have no fear. “There is no fear in perfect love, but perfect love casts out fear…” 1 John 4:18
Three months ago, while praying, The Lord gave me a vision of myself standing on a rock in the middle of water. I was balancing myself on this rock. I was fearful of falling. I was fearful in the aloneness I felt. I looked up and the word ‘Fearless’ was floating around me. I thought I was all alone, but God had His hand outstretched reaching for me.
God has walked me through my biggest fears in life. He is still continuing to walk me through my biggest fear in life.
He is calling me to be fearless. He is calling you to be fearless.
I can hear The Lord prompting me to a life of fearlessness as he reaches for my hand, saying,
“I Love you, are you ready?”
I Trust my God, I Trust my God, I Trust my God.