Lord, Make Me Broken…
I didn’t know this is what it would feel like to be broken. When I prayed that prayer, I didn’t know what I was praying. I prayed to be broken, so I could be healed. What does that even mean? They say “why fix something if it’s not broken?” Why pray to be broken so you can be healed?
About 2 years ago, the Lord was drawing me deeper to Him. I remember being on my face begging the Lord to break my heart for what breaks His. I didn’t know this is what it would feel like. I didn’t think about the “breaking” process, until now. The song “Keep Making Me”, by Sidewalk Prophets comes to mind. “Make me broken, so I can be healed, ‘Cause I’m so calloused and now I can’t feel. I want to run to You with my heart wide open. Make me broken. Make me empty so I can be filled. Cause I’m still holding onto my will. And I’m completed when you are with me. Make me empty. Until You are my one desire, until You are my true Love. Until You are my breath, my everything. Make me lonely so I can be Yours. Until I want no one more than You, Lord. Cause in the darkness I know you will hold me. Make me lonely.”
Who in their right mind would pray this prayer? I didn’t really know what I was praying for. Until this moment. Until relentless episodes of grief have hit during this new season of my life. I get it now. I get what broken is. I get what empty is. I get what lonely is.
And I am thankful.
Through the pain, confusion, tears, I am thankful to be broken, thankful to be empty, thankful to be lonely. Because that means I can see the Lord shine bigger in my life. I can feel His presence overpowering the brokenness, emptiness, and loneliness. I feel his love in an all-consuming way. When I am weak, His strength comes in and turns everything around for His glory. “But those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.” Isaiah 40:31.
I don’t want to be “complete” in myself. I don’t want to be “full” in myself. I don’t want to be so distracted by this world that I don’t know what loneliness feels like. If I didn’t experience life altering brokenness, I wouldn’t be experiencing the depths of God’s Love. I wouldn’t be able to witness firsthand Him build something beautiful out of the broken pieces. After all He is the Master creator.
Walking this faith journey has made me more sensitive to real things. By “real things” I mean getting out of the way of God’s plan. I mean stepping out of my comfort zone when He calls me to do so. I mean helping others even when I may not feel like it. I mean getting myself off my mind, even on a grieving day. I mean trusting in God when I see only darkness surrounding me. Those are real things.
Jessica is weak. Jessica is broken. Jessica is empty.
With God, Jessica is strong.
With God, Jessica is made whole.
With God, Jessica is filled up.
It is a freeing place to be to admit I am weak, broken and empty. I am nothing without God.
“But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.” 2 Corinthians 12:9-10.
Make me broken.
I Trust my God, I Trust my God, I Trust my God.