Author: Jessica Lusk Dennis

Rise Up and Walk Right

Uncategorized

images

Google Image

Do you ever feel like you’ve reached a Y in the road regarding your life?  I am sure most of you are shaking your head “Yes”.  I am at that fork in the road so to speak.  I am standing in front of this gigantic Y.  Not moving.  Just standing still.  I envision myself looking way down each road.  The road on the left is glittery and shining beautifully, calling to me, enticing me.  I just want to run into the fun glitter.  It appears to be the easier path.  But I can only see the beginning of that road.  I only see the glittering lights.  I don’t know how far those lights actually shine.

Then I look to the road to the right.  It’s kind of dark in the beginning— I would have to be brave to step into that unknown darkness.  I envision myself having to put on armor to protect myself against any enemies or any discomfort.  But I can see further down that road.  The path brightens up.  An out of this world brightness of colors shine to no avail.  And keeps going and going into more illuminating purity.  But it’s so dark in the beginning.  How could I bravely step into the darkness not knowing when I will actually reach the luminescence?

I’m still just standing there.  I’m straining my neck and standing on the tips of my toes.  I’m trying to see further down each road.  But I cannot.

I step toward the left a little, the glitter has me mesmerized.  But I hesitate.  That still small voice that has guided my life for so long is telling me to go back.  I run back to the beginning of the Y.  I look to the right.  My flesh does not want to step into the unknown.  It doesn’t look pretty and captivating until way down the road.  My flesh has been through so much.  I just want a break.  I just want instant glitter and shininess.  I just want to walk left.  No more trials, no more tests, no more loneliness.  My flesh is tired.  My flesh is weak.

But God.

Can I take a moment and say that those two words are two of the most powerful words in my vocabulary book.

But God…with these two words the plans of the enemy become ruined and undone.

I fall to my knees in between these two roads.  My flesh is torn.  “… you shall weep no more.  He will surely be gracious to you at the sound of your cry.  As soon as he hears it, he answers you.  And though the Lord give you the bread of adversity and the water of affliction, yet your Teacher will not hide himself anymore, but your eyes shall see your Teacher.  And your ears shall hear a word behind you, saying, “This is the way, walk in it,” when you turn to the right or when you turn to the left.  Then you will defile your carved idols overlaid with silver and your gold-plated metal images.  You will scatter them as unclean things.  You will say to them, “Be gone!”  Isaiah 30:19-22

I know in my spirit, this is a pivotal moment in my walk with the Lord.  I bow my face before Him.  I am reminded of trials in the past.  I am reminded of being in the middle of life and death situations.  Physical death and spiritual death.  I am remembering the darkness of those trials.  I remember Who saved me.  I remember who I am.  I am a Daughter of the most High King.  I am a Daughter to the creator and King of the Universe!  I am made for a time such as this.  I am an overcomer.  I have the wisdom of the Lord.  I have overcome by the blood of the lamb and by the Word of my Testimony.  I may be weak, but He is strong.  I may be weary, but He gives me my strength.  He never leaves me.  He never forsakes me.  He makes a way out of danger.   The power of God tears down the veil.  I believe in the Holy Spirit, and He has given me new life.  Though I fall, He makes me new again.

Lauren Daigle sings the perfect words, “You plead my cause, You right my wrongs, You break my chains, You overcome, You gave Your life to give me mine, You say I am free, How can it be?”

For years I have struggled with perfectionism.  I have tried to maintain an image of perfection, an image without stains.  God is bringing me to a place of transparency in my walk with Him.  Perfection doesn’t exist.  If it did, we would not need Jesus.  There is a world full of broken people who are at a fork in the road.  I can feel the loss of strength in them.  I am here cheering you on, I am here shouting, “Rise Up!” The Lord is your strength.  His Word is a lamp to your feet and a light to your path. (Psalm 119:105)

Now Rise Up, and Walk Right.

It may be dark and quiet for a little while, but His light will guide every single step on the path He has ordained for your feet.  And oh, once you reach the pure luminescence, you will understand the battle will have been worth it.  The momentary darkness, the fear of the unknown, and the discomfort of your flesh was all preparing you for an eternal victory.

I Trust my God, I Trust my God, I Trust my God.

Make Me Broken

Uncategorized

Fear of the Lord

Lord, Make Me Broken…

I didn’t know this is what it would feel like to be broken.  When I prayed that prayer, I didn’t know what I was praying.  I prayed to be broken, so I could be healed.  What does that even mean?  They say “why fix something if it’s not broken?”  Why pray to be broken so you can be healed?

About 2 years ago, the Lord was drawing me deeper to Him.  I remember being on my face begging the Lord to break my heart for what breaks His.  I didn’t know this is what it would feel like.  I didn’t think about the “breaking” process, until now.  The song “Keep Making Me”, by Sidewalk Prophets comes to mind.  “Make me broken, so I can be healed, ‘Cause I’m so calloused and now I can’t feel.  I want to run to You with my heart wide open.  Make me broken.  Make me empty so I can be filled.  Cause I’m still holding onto my will.  And I’m completed when you are with me.  Make me empty.  Until You are my one desire, until You are my true Love.  Until You are my breath, my everything.  Make me lonely so I can be Yours.  Until I want no one more than You, Lord.  Cause in the darkness I know you will hold me.  Make me lonely.”

Who in their right mind would pray this prayer?  I didn’t really know what I was praying for.  Until this moment.  Until relentless episodes of grief have hit during this new season of my life.  I get it now.  I get what broken is.  I get what empty is.  I get what lonely is.

And I am thankful.

Through the pain, confusion, tears, I am thankful to be broken, thankful to be empty, thankful to be lonely.  Because that means I can see the Lord shine bigger in my life.  I can feel His presence overpowering the brokenness, emptiness, and loneliness.  I feel his love in an all-consuming way. When I am weak, His strength comes in and turns everything around for His glory.  “But those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength.  They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.”  Isaiah 40:31.

I don’t want to be “complete” in myself.  I don’t want to be “full” in myself.  I don’t want to be so distracted by this world that I don’t know what loneliness feels like.  If I didn’t experience life altering brokenness, I wouldn’t be experiencing the depths of God’s Love.  I wouldn’t be able to witness firsthand Him build something beautiful out of the broken pieces.  After all He is the Master creator.

Walking this faith journey has made me more sensitive to real things.  By “real things” I mean getting out of the way of God’s plan.  I mean stepping out of my comfort zone when He calls me to do so.  I mean helping others even when I may not feel like it.  I mean getting myself off my mind, even on a grieving day.  I mean trusting in God when I see only darkness surrounding me.  Those are real things.

Jessica is weak.  Jessica is broken.  Jessica is empty.

But God.

With God, Jessica is strong.

With God, Jessica is made whole.

With God, Jessica is filled up.

It is a freeing place to be to admit I am weak, broken and empty.  I am nothing without God.

“But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.”  Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.  That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties.  For when I am weak, then I am strong.”  2 Corinthians 12:9-10.

Make me broken.

I Trust my God, I Trust my God, I Trust my God.

 

An Eternal Romance

Uncategorized

An Eternal Romance

Photo Credit: Google Images- Return of Christ Banner

If you follow me on Facebook, you may have noticed more recent posts referring to missing being romanced by my husband.  I have had to really take this to the Lord.  I have had to lay these feelings at the foot of the Cross.  Of course after the death of one’s spouse, or even a breakup or divorce—you’re most likely going to miss the romantic sparks.  The sweet surprises, love notes, flowers, the whispering’s of “I Love you”… whatever it is that defined romantic gestures in your relationship.  I know it’s normal.  I know this is a part of grief I have to walk through.  But I also know my personality.  I know if I dwell on this part of my life being lost along with my husband it can create a dark pool of self-pity.  It can create a selfish monster who says, “I deserve that in my life”.  That selfish monster would not make wise decisions.  I don’t have time to not be wise.  Neither do you.  Can I get an Amen?

Let’s take a moment and really think about our society—All of these dating apps, dozens and dozens of Reality shows designed for finding love, The Bachelor, The Bachelorette, Blind Date, Married at First Site, Love Connection, Bachelor in Paradise… The list can go on and on.  There is nothing wrong with yearning for love, and seeking love, or watching people go out on a limb to find it—I admit I watch a few of these shows myself.  They can be quite entertaining.  And yes, some really do find love at the end of the show.

But what if these individuals focused more on an eternal romance rather than an earthly one?  I bet their perspective and satisfactory levels in life would sky rocket.

Through my current stage of grief I can feel the Lord prompting me to dissect my own heart.  My relationship with him is designed to fulfill ALL my emptiness and longings.  “Lord be enough for me,” I pray daily.  Psalm 107:9 says, “For he satisfies the longing soul, and the hungry soul he fills with good things.”  Those aren’t just nice words strung together to make a pretty sentence.  It is TRUTH.

He satisfies, He fills.

Jesus wants every area of our heart and soul.  He wants to be the One who fills us.  All other fillings will fade away.  Even the great loves of our earthly life.  People will let us down and disappoint us.  We will let people down and disappoint them.  Death parts earthly love.  Death will never ever part the eternal love of Jesus.

We live in such a dissatisfied culture and generation.  We seem to always be striving for more.  And then when we obtain that ‘more’.  Guess, what?  We want even more.  Singles seem to be in a downward depression because they want to be married.  Married folks aren’t appreciating their spouses and wish they were single.  It’s a never-ending battle of unsatisfactory circumstances from our fleshly perspective.

Here is some earth-shattering, life changing news—We have the answer to a more than satisfactory life.  His name is Jesus.  And He literally saves souls.  He wants to romance you to depths that your human mind cannot imagine.  He wants to have an intimate relationship with you.  Not a religious one, an intimate one.  This is the place I am at in my walk with the Lord.  I have walked with Him since I was a child.  But there is something about this season of grief that has opened my eyes to new realms of who God really is.  During my marriage I faced seasons of loneliness, and disappointment—as did my husband.  I was a difficult person to be married to, especially in our first year.  Nothing satisfied me.  I wished I knew then what I know now.  The more you allow the Lord to work in you, the more you want to LOVE others with a passion.  Even when life seems to be turned upside down, we can react in love because of the love of Christ living inside us.

When I get stuck in my selfish, fleshly mind, I begin to fear my future.  I begin to pity my title of widow, and my daughter’s title of fatherless.  I become angry.  I am overcome with deep sorrow.  I yearn for my husband’s strong arms around me in the middle of a long grief filled sleepless night.  But the Lord is drawing my heart to Him in a way that would never be without facing this dreaded earthly pain.  He is bringing my heart, mind and spirit to focus eternally.  It’s not about what I can see in front of me.  It is about the unseen, for the unseen things are the eternal things.

He is bringing me to an Eternal Romance with Him.

It is ironic how such dark, bleak, tragedy can change you to the core for the better.  Christ uses life altering phenomenon’s to draw us nearer to Him when we are at our lowest points.  If we surrender through the pain and darkness, He will lift us up.  He will set our feet on the rock of His foundation, on His steadfast love.

In the first weeks following my husband’s death—all I could do spiritually was cry out “I Trust my God, I Trust my God, I Trust my God.”  I had no other words to pray.

Every great love story begins with trust.  It’s no different with the love story of our Savior.  I know my heart being drawn to the eternal romance of Christ began when I surrendered.  When I put all of my trust into Him.  Not some of my trust—but all of it.  (I have to do this daily)  I had a revelation that my life is not my own.  Our earthly lives are but a blink of an eye— however our eternal lives are just that… eternal.  Forever, and then forevermore.

Realistically, I am young—one day, Lord willing, I hope to be re-married.  But my focus is not on an earthly love.  My desires, my heart, my yearnings are on an eternal love.  An Eternal Romance with my Savior.  Everything else falls into place after that.

“For this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, as we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen.  For things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal.”   2 Corinthians 4:17-18.

“You make known to me the path of life; in your presence there is fullness of joy; at your right hand are pleasures forevermore.”  Psalm 16:11.

I Trust my God, I Trust my God, I Trust my God.

Until Death Do Us Part

Uncategorized

Until Death Do Us Part

Photo By A Smile Is Forever Photography, Marisa Durrett

This past weekend I had the humbling honor of standing next to my best friend, Shala, as I witnessed her make vows before God, family, and friends, uniting as one with her, “Redneck Romeo”, Ryan.  It was a beautiful, Christ centered ceremony.  As I stood there watching the Holy Matrimony being created I couldn’t help but be overcome with emotions.  As the tears streaked my face I could vividly see me and Cody standing at the altar almost five years ago.  I could remember my heart racing with excitement and a little fear of the unknown.  I remember thinking—this is it.  My life is “complete” now.  I have the one that will be by my side until I’m old and grey… Or “Until Death Do Us Part”.

When the Officiating Pastor, Willie Williams, spoke the words “until death do you part” during yesterday’s ceremony, it was an arrow piercing through my heart.  My eyes closed as I prayed that this beautiful couple have a lifetime together—I prayed they will indeed get to grow old with one another before that vow is fulfilled.

During the ceremony there were bay windows overlooking beautiful landscape with unique trees.  As my ears listened to the words being exchanged, my eyes were being drawn outside.  My eyes saw past the trees, pasture land, blue skies, and perfect white clouds.  I saw raw beauty.  I saw hope.  I saw God.

The wind was blowing ever so slightly—I could see a bush standing alone—just swaying back and forth.  There was something spiritual about watching this bush dancing in the wind as the beautiful vows were being exchanged.  God created that bush.  God created the wind.  God created this moment.  God created all things—something as simple as a dancing bush to something significant as this man and woman pledging their earthly lives together.  God created the unity between the wind and the bush and the unity of this man and his bride.  God is in everything, He is omniscient—all knowing, all-wise, all-seeing.

My eyes rested back on the couple standing before me and I could literally feel the Love and adoration exuding between them.  It was beautiful to be a part of.  Again, my heart felt as if it were going to palpate out of my chest.  My mind raced with a million thoughts.  Why was my marriage cut so short?  Why couldn’t my husband be here with me?  Why is being in a season of widowhood God’s plan for my life?  Why?  Those questions may never be answered on this side of glory.

As thoughts of my own wedding ran through my mind—I realized I am  a completely different woman than  I was when I made my vows to my Cody until “death parted us”.  Reflecting on my first year of marriage, I admit I looked to my husband for things only a sincere relationship with our Heavenly Father can give you.  Though your spouse is supposed to fill many roles such as being your helpmate, best friend, and lover, only God can fill your heart, mind, and soul to depths that one cannot even put into words.  God’s Love feels like glitter running through your veins.  As much as I desire for my married status to still be intact, I am so awe-inspired and grateful to walk with God.

His Love has become so much more real and tangible to me in these last 7 months.  His Love is so evident all around me, even during intense grieving.  I know His Love has always been there, but I am seeing life through new lenses now.  It’s beautiful.

I feel like that secluded swaying bush.  I am alone, dancing.

Oh, but I am far from alone…  

Though I cannot see my Heavenly Daddy—just as the wind cannot be seen—He has me wrapped up in His arms dancing with me ever so sweetly, guiding my feet where they shall go as He leads this dance.

There is no place I would rather be than in His Love.  His Love is the only sure thing in this life.

Nothing can separate us from it.  “For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angles nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.”  Romans 8:38-39.

Nothing.Can.Separate.Us.

I may no longer be a man’s bride, but I am the Bride of Christ.  And for those of you who are ‘a man’s bride’—Remember you were Christ’s Bride first—and that is an eternal title.

I Trust my God, I Trust my God, I Trust my God.

He Is In The Fire

Uncategorized

fire3

During one of my many sleepless nights as of late, lying in my king sized bed, with my eyes wide open, I was trying to hold back grieving cries.  Because once I cry, I don’t stop for hours.  In this particular moment I was at a loss for words due to the pain of my husband not being next to me.  I closed my eyes.  I opened my mouth and all that came out was “Lord, You are enough.”  Silent tears streaked my face.   I repeated this over and over in a cadence rhythm.  “Lord, You are enough.  Lord keep being enough for me, Lord You are enough.”

As I repeated this over and over, an out of this world tranquility washed over me.  The unexplained kind.  In this moment I had a vision of being in a raging fire.  I was in the center of the flames, not knowing what to do.  I could see a figure come to me.  He wrapped His arms around me—shielding me from the flames.  It was my Heavenly Daddy.

He got in the fire with me.

He is in the fire with me.

I sat up in the bed and sobbed a deep sob.  I praised my God through the fleshly heartache.  He is in the fire with me.  He is shielding me from the flames.  He knows I have to walk through the fire.  This fire is molding me more into His image, but He is with me in the fire.  I know He will never leave me.  That changes everything.

When I was a young teenager my favorite song was “Through the Fire” by The Crabb Family.  I have so many memories of blasting this song through the house with my mom.  Through the years the powerful chorus has stayed with me: “He never promised that the cross would not get heavy and the hill would not be hard to climb.  He never offered victories without fighting.  But he said help would always come in time.  Just remember when you’re standing in the valley of decision and the adversary says give in, Just hold on, our Lord will show up, and he will take you through the fire again.”

My spirit rises when I think of the recorded events of Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego in the Book of Daniel.  They disobeyed King Nebuchadnezzar’s orders to worship the golden image.  “…But if you do not worship, you shall immediately be cast into a burning fiery furnace.  And who is the god who will deliver you out of my hands?”  Daniel 3:15.  Their reply, “If this be so, our God whom we serve is able to deliver us from the burning fiery furnace and he will deliver us out of your hand, O king.  But if not, be it known to you, O king, that we will not serve your gods or worship the golden image you have set up.”  Daniel 3:17-18.

What a testament of faith from Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego.  The words “But if not” in reference to even if God didn’t save them from the fire—they still were NOT going to worship any other gods.  They were willing to go into the fiery furnace, amongst the flames.  The king was furious with their answer.  He ordered the furnace to be heated up seven times more than usual.  The three God fearing men were bound in their cloaks and thrown into the fire.  The fire was so hot that the King’s men that threw them in the fire perished from the flames.

What happens next is nothing short of a miracle and beyond power-filled.  “Then King Nebuchadnezzar was astonished and rose up in haste.  He declared to his counselors, “Did we not cast three men bound into the fire?… I see four men unbound walking in the midst of the fire, and they are not hurt; and the appearance of the fourth is like the son of gods.”  Daniel 3:24-25.

The king went to the door of the furnace and declared the three men to come out.  When they got out of the furnace they were unharmed, not one hair on their heads were burnt.  They didn’t even smell like smoke.

God got in the fire with them.

He shielded them from the flames.

We serve that same God today.

Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego had radical faithfulness to God.  They did not falter in their answer to go through the fire, refusing to worship the golden image.  Radical faithfulness changes us.  That kind of faith bleeds into every area of our lives and those around us.  Because the three men stayed true to God—King Nebuchadnezzar was changed.  He made a decree that “any people or nation that speaks against the God of these three men they shall be torn from limb to limb and their houses laid in ruins, for there is no other god who is able to rescue in this way.”  Daniel 3:29-30.  The King then praised God.

I want to be like Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego.  I want to be willing to walk through the flames of this broken world for my God.  Even when my flesh doesn’t want to.  Even when my flesh is screaming in heartache.  Even when my flesh is fearful of the flames.  I want a faith that changes the world around me.

There is power in the fire.

I may have to go through the fire, but I will be unbound and praising Him through the fire.

No matter what I face in this life— No matter what you face in this life—Our Lord will always get in the fire with us.  He will never leave us or forsake us.

During moments in my life when the flames were surrounding me—When I am in danger, when my heart hurts so badly I don’t think I can take another breath, when I don’t see His plan and darkness abounds my view—He is there, always, shielding me from the flames.

He is in the fire with me.

He is in the fire with you.

He is my rock and my redeemer.  He is my ever present help in times of trouble.

I Trust my God, I Trust my God, I Trust my God.

I Have to Face It

Uncategorized

Sunrise

Photo by Cody M. Lusk

Lately at night I wake up and I need him.  I need to feel him close to me.  So I give in and randomly select videos out of the hundreds of him I have stored over the years.  Tonight I landed on a video of us on the same aluminum boat I watched him take his last steps onto.  The video was recorded on March 22, 2016 at 9:01 a.m.  Cody was checking juglines—the same thing he was doing the night he never came home.  He was fishing for catfish.  I am recording our morning adventure.  I found myself smiling through tears as I watched my beautiful husband sip his coffee, watched the steam escape from his mouth as he talked into the cold air.  That steam off his breath meant he was breathing and alive.  Our commentary on the video is so normal.  Life was so normal.  Watching back, I just wanted to climb into the video and wrap my arms around his body and never ever let go.  But I just sit and watch the screen.  He caught a catfish at the end of the jugline.  What I watched him do next sent my stomach in a whirlwind of knots.  He knew I was recording.  He wanted the fish to be well seen for the camera.  So he stood up.  The small boat shook.  He put both arms out to balance.  He sits down quickly, knowing he shouldn’t have stood up.

But he did stand up.

The water was 50 something degrees on the night of January 14, 2017.  In my heart, I know he stood up for some reason or another.  (Because out of the dozens of times we were on the boat together, I witnessed him stand up more than once.  He had to get onto me about standing up while trying to reach for a fishing pole).  Mind you, most parts of the lake were not even 6ft so thoughts of wearing life jackets were nonexistent.  He fished on that same boat, on our little lake, running those same juglines literally hundreds of times.  Day, night, in the cold or heat.  It was second nature to him.  Like driving to the same place every day.  It becomes second nature—you think you could do it in your sleep.  That’s how I know he viewed being on our lake.  He became too comfortable.  As I sat here and watched him stand up on the video, I find myself screaming at him.  “Why did you stand up?”  “Why?”  How can one slight movement become the domino effect resulting in the end of a life? Obviously I have no way of knowing what really and truly happened that night.

I have played and replayed what could possibly have happened the night he never came home.  The only thing that makes sense is he he stood up, lost his balance, hit the water, tried to save the boat, his body went into shock from the cold water.  It was dark.  His lantern light would have diminished hitting the water.

I have spent the last 204 days forcing myself not to think about that night.  To just block it out of my mind.

But I have to face it.

I have to work through the devastation.  I can accept that he’s in heaven with our Creator, he’s in ultimate glory.  I can accept that.  But I’m still flesh.  I have to accept his earthly death.  The suddenness of tragedy is what penetrates the heart like a knife.  One day your life is so normal.  You have a whole family.  You have your protector, and best friend, lover, partner, spiritual leader of your home—He’s here, by your side, doing life with you—To nothing.  It’s dark.  I wake up from dreams looking for him.  It’s always so dark and I can’t find him.  I become so angry and broken.

I think of the aluminum boat being pulled out of the lake 5 days later.  I think of the tackle box recovered, the fishing poles, the ore, the boat seat—random things.  I hate these things.  They mean nothing.  They hit the water that night too.  They were recovered.  They can be reused again.  They are still here serving their purpose.  But my beautiful husband hit the same water these things did.  But he’s no longer here.  He was recovered from the lake but his purpose was fulfilled.  But these things are still here.  That is hard for me to grasp and accept.

I feel selfish lately.  I want him here with me so badly.  To the point where I would selfishly call him out of glory to live with me and our daughter in this broken and fallen world again.  Just to feel his strong arms around me.  To lay my head on his chest and hear his heart beating.  To feel his hands on my face.  To just be in his presence and experience his exuberance again.  I can’t express enough to LOVE your Loved ones.  Spouses, if you’re upset with your husband or wife- don’t procrastinate a solution.  Don’t stay angry too long. Don’t let a day escape without an affectionate touch or word.  I am so thankful Cody and I said “I Love you”, every single day.  We hugged and kissed every single day.  I know he Loved me, I am forever changed by that Love.

Lately the grief is freshly intense.  Almost as if I am back in the 5 days of the search or the preparation of the funeral.  It doesn’t feel like it’s been nearly 7 months.  It feels like it happened yesterday.  I guess that’s stages of grief.  The intensity rushes in like an unannounced flood and overtakes you.  Even though I don’t want to do this, this life as a widow or single mother—I have to face it.  I have to walk through this season.  I know the Lord is calling me to walk through these emotions that pierce the soul.  I know I am not to run away from this.  I have to face it.  Every single part of it.  I have to own it.  Writing helps.  To put into words what my mind and spirit are working through.  It is a deep release and therapeutic for me to write.  I have to allow myself to feel what needs to be felt.  My heart feels like it is bleeding.  I have to allow it to.

As much as I miss my husband and our life together is as much as I can feel my Heavenly Daddy wrap His omniscient, powerful, Agape Love around me.  He will never leave me or forsake me.  He has not forgotten me.  He has not forgotten Abigail.  He is not far away, but rather tucking us under His wings.

“He will cover you with his feathers, and under his wings you will find refuge; his faithfulness will be your shield and rampart.”  Psalm 91:4

I Trust my God, I Trust my God, I Trust my God.

Grief… Such a Small Word

Uncategorized

grief

Grief.

Late nights of counting sheep, can’t sleep.  I want to scream.  The king sized bed is empty.  I am a mess.  I miss you like crazy.  I can’t catch my breath.  I am angry.  I am trying to stay strong.  I don’t get why you couldn’t be here.  I am angry at you for fishing that night.  I am angry at you for having to check the jug lines one more time before you planned to come in.

That one more time took you.

I can’t breathe sometimes.  I am suffocated with anger, fear, loneliness, guilt, memories, love that I can no longer give.

Grief.

But I have to be strong.  There is a little blue-eyed, blonde-haired baby girl that looks up to me.  She grins and my world is right again… for a moment.  And then I remember I will never see her in your arms again.  The lump in my throat returns.  I gulp it back.  Blinking back my tears rapidly so I don’t feel the hot liquid run down my cheeks.  Because then I can’t stop the streams.

Grief.

I question God.  I used to think I should never do that.  But now I find myself screaming questions at Him.  He loves me the same.

Grief- such a small word.

People use the word ‘Grief’ so loosely.  Like you can just get over grief.  Or grieve faster.  It doesn’t work that way.  Grief is its own entity.  I find myself grieving my husband’s untimely death and my marriage.  The unity I had with one person out of 7-billion people on this planet, is no longer intact.  I’m grieving the loss of my team.  My team was broken.  My family was broken.  These are not pity words.  These are raw words.  How does someone come up from this?  Truly rise up from such devastation?  Some mornings I lie in bed and have to talk myself in to getting out of bed and face another ‘great’ day.  Because I am a Christian- everyday should be ‘great’, right?  Wrong.  Not realistic.  I’m craving to be transparent and real.  Life is hard.  This season has been dark and hard.

This season has been lonely.  I am craving my best friend.  My heart aches with thoughts of never running my hands through his hair again.  Or holding his hand.  Kissing his lips.  I beg God to answer me why?  I yearned to be married at a young age.  I waited for Cody to come into my life- my ‘to be’ Husband.  Impatiently waited I might add.  I loved being a wife.  His wife.  He challenged me in ways I never knew I needed to grow.  That’s what marriage is supposed to do.  Challenge you, make you more holy, reflect the image of Christ.  God redeemed our marriage through dark seasons.  Both of us had failed one another.  But God.

But God… Those two words are beyond powerful.  I no longer have a ‘But God’ in my marriage.  I no longer have a marriage.  I no longer have my daughter’s father.

Grief.

Have you ever hurt so much that you wanted to crawl out of your skin?  Out of your being?  Just vanish into thin air… Just to eliminate the pain in your soul?  A deep pain in your spirit that you can literally feel your physical heart throbbing and aching.  The pain is so intense it’s shocking to your body.  I’ve thought in those moments how someone could literally die of a broken heart.  I hate those moments.  I beg God to take the pain away.  I’ve begged God to take the memories away.  That sounds so cold, but the memories are a flood and I can’t think straight, or function.

Grief.

The following words depict grief so purely to me.  “Grief, I’ve learned, is really just love.  It’s all the love you want to give but cannot.  All of that unspent love gathers up in the corners of your eyes, the lump in your throat, and in that hallow part of your chest.  Grief is just love with no place to go.”

Tragedy changes you.

Grief changes you.

It makes you bleed with rawness.

It brings realness to life.

One of the most beautiful things in life is to feel.  To feel love.  To feel emotion.  To feel passion.  To feel life.  God made us emotional beings who have the capability to feel on dimensional levels.  I used to run from my emotions, for fear of looking weak, for fear of looking ‘human’.  I am learning to embrace those feelings.  To become empowered by them.  To allow these roller coaster of emotions to deepen my relationship with Christ.

I changed on January 14, 2017.  I will never be the same person I was.  One of the things I am truly grateful for through this- is that change.  I saw myself from the outside looking in.  I didn’t like what I saw.  I saw someone who rushed through life.  Who was selfish.  Who took loved ones for granted.  Losing someone you didn’t think you could live without knocks all of your ‘props of life’ out from under you.  All you have standing in front of you is your faith and the choice to choose hope in a more than hopeless situation through the eyes of the world.

I am still here.  I ask God why?  His answer… To bring glory to Him.  It’s not about me.  I find the ultimate freedom in that revelation.  To bring glory to Him.  My time spent on this earth is to bring glory to my Heavenly Father.  In good days, in bad days.  In seasons of harvest and in seasons of loss… I am to bring glory to Him.  Even when it hurts.

I surrender.  Every day, I surrender.  Every day I have to choose to LIVE.

I Trust my God, I Trust my God, I Trust my God

“My Wife Can”

Uncategorized

My Wife Can

Photo by Cori Lusk Ford

As he hurriedly walked through the house with a level and tape measure in one hand and his phone to his ear with the other, he stopped to smile at me as I held the sleeping body of our 8-month old baby girl.  He was on the phone with a project coordinator lining up contracts for our telecommunications company.  His business call ended.  His smile turned to glossy eyes as he admired what he called a “beautiful sight”.  He updated me on the content of the business call- as I was now our Office Manager.  We were more a team than ever.  We were new parents who both had the privilege of working from home—which is where we both desired to be.  With one another and the new edition to our family.  How blessed we were.  And we discussed that often.  Nothing was short of the Grace of God.  During the hustle and bustle of this day—Cody asked me a question that still crosses my mind on the regular, “If something were to happen to me, can you handle all of this?”  I looked at him, and immediately shook my head “no”.  His next words will never leave my mind… “My Wife Can.”

He was referring to life.  He was referring to the remodel of our home.  He was referring to taking care of our precious baby girl who was demanding of attention.  He was referring to running our telecommunications company.  He was referring to the upkeep of our home, vehicles, and our fur babies.  He was referring to the life we had created.  Could I handle this without him?  What an odd question to ask.  And just weeks before he departed from this earth.

“My Wife Can.”

Such three simple words.  These three simple words have changed my mentality these last 6-months.

His Wife could.

I am she.

I can.

So many times a day, doubt seeps over me.  I second guess my every decision of the last 6-months.  I doubt my newly single parenting skills.  I beat myself up over the slightest failure- or what I see as a failure.  But then I hear those words—“My Wife Can”.  And I stand a little taller.  My God confidence arises again.  I am called for a time such as this.  For whatever reason—This is the path the Lord has ordained for my feet to walk.  So I shall.  With faith, with hope, with peace, with joy.  Faith, hope, peace, and joy.  Those four words, those four beautiful action words seem impossible to encompass during seasons of grief.  But they’re not.  With God, all things are possible.  I am living proof of that.  That is not an arrogant statement.  It is a testament to the living power of Jesus who resides in me.  In reference to we are the bride of Jesus and He is the Bridegroom—I can hear my Lord saying, “My Bride Can”.  We are the Bride of Christ.  That is beautiful.  That is all-consuming to grasp.  I am the Bride of Christ.  You are the Bride of Christ.  I am not alone during this ‘aloneness’ season of life.  And with Him…I can.

If my soul is stirred with the memory of my Husband’s voice proclaiming “My Wife Can”, oh… how much more my soul and spirit awaken when I hear the sweet and powerful voice of my Lord decreeing “My Bride Can”.

“For your Maker is your husband, the LORD of hosts is his name; and the Holy One of Israel is your Redeemer, the God of the whole earth he is called.”  Isaiah 54:5

I Trust my God, I Trust my God, I Trust my God.

I Love You, Are You Ready?

Uncategorized

love

Photo By Katherine Culpepper 

Cody and I were standing in our bedroom.  We were panicked.  There was danger outside.  Devastation looming ahead of us.  We could see vividly out of the two double windows.  The lake, the beautiful and peaceful lake lay in front of us.  On the lake were six tornados coming our way.  Six tornados spinning our direction, not slowing down.  Cody in all his protective nature remained level headed.  We thought we had more time.  We took one more look out the window, it was inevitable—The tornados were too close.  Cody grabbed my hand and said, “I Love you, are you ready?”  The tornados ripped through the bedroom, ripped through our lives.  Chaos abounded.

Then I woke up…

Cody and I were driving down the road.  Cody was driving, while I was in the passenger seat.  Something was happening.  Danger was around us.  Cody was trying to get away.  We were going too fast.  He went up a big hill of some sort.  All of a sudden the vehicle was flying through the air.  I looked out of the window and saw darkness.  We began falling.  Cody grabbed my hand and said, “I Love you, are you ready?”  Darkness eclipsed us. 

Then I woke up…

Cody and I were in our home office area.  He was sitting in our nice leather office chair, reclining back a little bit.  I was sitting on my knees next to him.  He was working patiently teaching me something about our company office procedures.  All of a sudden a huge explosion erupted outside of our home.  We both grabbed our ears to stop the ringing.  We looked around and it was beautiful, indescribable colors floating around us.  Out of this world coloring and images.  Gravity was failing us.  We began floating in these colors.  Cody grabbed my hand and said, “This is it, this is the end, I Love you, are you ready?”

Then I woke up…

My heart is beating out my chest recalling these dreams.  All three dreams I had within the last 6 months of Cody’s life.  All three dreams woke me up out of my sleep, shuddering from the realness. Shuddering with fear.  I remember waking up and turning to my husband for him to cuddle me close.  The dreams left me feeling insecure and aware of devastation looming.

But can we really be prepared for devastation?  No. We. Can’t.

Over the six month period of having these dreams, I recalled each one to my husband the next morning.  We would talk about what they could mean.  If you know me, you know I have always had vivid and very detailed dreams.   Some have a deep, underlying meaning, or some derived from eating too close to bedtime.  These felt deep though.  I thought about them regularly afterward and even shared them with my mother.  The last one I had was within weeks of Cody’s death.  I often think to myself if The Lord was trying to prepare my spirit in some way?  Again, you can never be prepared for devastation.

My flesh cried out in fear after these dreams.  Fear of the devastation becoming reality.  But God did not give us a spirit of fear.  “For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind.”  2 Timothy 1:7.

Power, Love, and a Sound Mind.  For years I have fought to have these God characteristics.  I have struggled to put on fearlessness.  When I think back to the first year of marriage, as most newlyweds do, we had a tough first year and half of marriage.  When I say tough, I mean tough.  My biggest fear then- was our marriage ending in divorce.  My biggest fear was becoming reality when we separated for 5 weeks and divorce papers were drawn.  But God.  God showed up.  God changed me in those 5 weeks.  My trust in Him grew more in 5 weeks than in my 25 years.  I will never forget the day we had a supernatural breakthrough and we cried in joy as we shredded the divorce papers.  Was marriage perfect after that season of darkness?  No.  But we were stronger for it.  God walked me through my biggest fear then.  To be honest, the enemy still had a stronghold of fear over me.  The fear of ‘losing’ Cody never subsided.  The fear of aloneness remained in the back of my mind.  Aloneness was and is the root of my biggest fear.

Since my husband’s death, I have had many people share with me how amazed they are at my faith through this season of loss (nothing short of the Grace of God and trust me I have my dark days). I have had many people admit to me their biggest fear is losing their spouse or a close loved one.  Many people have shared similar descriptions of how fear grips them to the point of a temporary paralyzing feeling.  That fear was not and never will be from our Heavenly Father.

What happens when your biggest fear becomes reality?  What happens when you wake up one day and you find that your whole world is destroyed by devastation?  What do you do?  Give into the paralyzing fear that you won’t be able to get up from it?  Or fight your flesh and know that all you can do is surrender the fear.  Give it up.  I no longer want to be a slave to fear.  I whisper the word fearless under my breath dozens of times a day.  I am fearless in Christ.  You are fearless in Christ.

Even in our worst fears—God is still here.  Walking this faith journey and living through our biggest fears—brings beautiful glorify to our Heavenly Father.  It makes us stronger warriors for Him.  It doesn’t mean hard days will not come knocking—but we can have a peace in knowing Who holds those hard days and every trial we face during our time on this earth.

God is perfect love.  If we abide in Him, we should have no fear.  “There is no fear in perfect love, but perfect love casts out fear…” 1 John 4:18

Three months ago, while praying, The Lord gave me a vision of myself standing on a rock in the middle of water.  I was balancing myself on this rock.  I was fearful of falling.  I was fearful in the aloneness I felt.  I looked up and the word ‘Fearless’ was floating around me.  I thought I was all alone, but God had His hand outstretched reaching for me.

God has walked me through my biggest fears in life.  He is still continuing to walk me through my biggest fear in life.

He is calling me to be fearless.  He is calling you to be fearless.

I can hear The Lord prompting me to a life of fearlessness as he reaches for my hand, saying,

“I Love you, are you ready?”

I Trust my God, I Trust my God, I Trust my God.

If I Die Before You, Can You Be Happy For Me…?

Uncategorized

If I die before you can you be happy for me

Photo by Cori Lusk Ford

“If I rise, let me rise on you.  Not on all of my success, my esteem or my pursuits.  If I lose, let me lose my life.  Cause if I belong to Jesus, the flesh is crucified.  For me to live is Christ, to die is gain.  If I grow, let me grow in You.  Wilt the seeds of wanting more.  Rippin’ pride out by the roots, and if I’m still, let me hear You speak.  Not the tone of my transgressions, but the song of the Redeemed.  For me to Live is Christ, to die is gain.  My great desire is to be with you.  But this is the place you chose for me.  To lift my cross and give everything.  This is the time you gave me… For me to live is Christ, to die is gain.  I’ll never be the same…” To Live is Christ by Sidewalk Prophets.

I closed my eyes and worshiped to this song as we drove down the road.  Cody squeezed my hand gently, bringing me back to reality.  I looked over at him from the passenger seat.  “If I die before you, can you be happy for me?” I asked him.  Cody’s eyes grew wide as if to say, “Why are you asking me this?”  He immediately responded, “Don’t say stuff like that.”  I shook my head, “I’m being serious.  Death is inevitable.  We’d be home, dancing with Jesus!” I exclaimed.  Cody squeezed my hand again, interlocking our fingers and just grinned.

Ten days later this question was ringing in my head.  Ringing in my heart, shattering it to pieces.  Repeating over and over in my ears.  “If I die before you, can you be happy for me?”  What made me ask such a question?  Could I fulfill my own request I had asked of my husband just 10 days prior?  No.  I was not happy.  I am still not happy.  Nor will I ever be fully happy with the way my life is being written.  It feels like chapters and chapters of my life have been ripped out, shredded to pieces and the little pieces are floating through the air aimlessly.  Chaos.  The ripples of paper are pure chaos.  Chaos of emotions.  Chaos of fears.  Chaos of anger.  Chaos of memories.  What will make the torn pieces of paper whole again?  Nothing.

There is nothing that will puzzle those same pieces of paper together like they were.  God is showing me that the torn pages are not supposed to be reclaimed and put back together neatly again.  He ripped them up for a reason.  He has a purpose for the chaos.  He has a purpose for the pain.

He has a purpose.

If we were whole, intact, in perfect condition, had flawless lives, experienced no death, no poverty, no ailment, no shipwrecks to endure, why would we need Jesus?  We wouldn’t.

I get it.  I need Jesus.  But my flesh is also screaming how much I need my husband and the father of my child.

“If I die before you, can you be happy for me?”  I am remembering my spiritual emotions while asking this off the wall question.  The words in the above song evoked passion and ignited my spirit to crave to be with our Creator.  To be in His presence.  To be face to face with Him in glory.  I couldn’t contain my praise or spiritual excitement.  I was imagining what it would truly be like in heaven, and in that moment I wanted to go.  Not because I didn’t want to live my life here, but because I know this is not my forever home—Heaven is.  I wasn’t worried about what it would be like for my loved ones in the wake of my departure.  I didn’t think that far in advance asking my question.

Heaven has a new meaning to me now.  I can close my eyes and visualize Cody, so purely and magnificently LIVING.  Let me say that word again—LIVING.  To be absent from the body is to be present with The Lord.  Cody is LIVING in the presence of the One who created him.  The One who knew the number of hairs on his head and how many freckles were on his body.  Cody is more alive than he ever was walking this earth.  That is freeing.  I have to focus on Heaven.  Otherwise my mind becomes a hell.

If Cody had asked me the same question, I would have been struck with an instant fear just as he was.  Our flesh doesn’t have another response for death.  Death is so dark and lonely this side of glory.  Dark and lonely doesn’t even come close to sufficient enough descriptive words.  But death is lost somewhere between earth and heaven.  Its death for us mourning the loss of our loved one(s) here on earth and then its ultimate, joyous eternal LIVING for those that departed having Christ as their Savior.  Eternal—Forever and then forever more.  Never ending time.  Cody is LIVING in Heaven in never ending time.  He is more alive than I am, than you are.  Wow!

The best thing we can do in the wake of losing a loved one(s) is to get up every day and despite the pain and loneliness we have to choose to LIVE.  We have to LIVE with a purpose and Laugh on purpose.  Be selfless.  Praise God with a passion.

I Trust my God, I Trust my God, I Trust my God.