Grief

Is Today Worthy Of Being Your Last?

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I sat up in the bed to wipe away my hot tears. I continued watching the woman on my television. She was in disarray. She locked herself in her apartment. She ate junk. She didn’t clean. She cried. She wept deeply. She was a complete mess. She was in the tunnel of grief. My heart ached. I remembered thinking to myself, “It’s just a movie”.  I sank back in the bed and turned to my husband next to me. He was sound asleep. I pressed into him, snuggling him, thanking God he was mine. I never wanted to be like the woman I saw in the movie. I never wanted to lose my husband.

My heart wouldn’t stop pounding and the ‘what if’ thoughts ran rampart in my head. The tears continued to spring forth. I remember pressing my lips so softly on my husband’s back, whispering faintly, “I Love you.”

The woman I was watching was the famous Hilary Swank and her heart-wrenching performance in ‘P.S. I Love You’.

It was the night of Thursday, January 12, 2017. Less than 48 hours before I would become a version of the woman I was watching on T.V.

Irony at its best.

Life is crazy, full of irony and so unpredictable. Just when we think we’ve got it all figured out and we are ‘safe’ in our bubble wrapped lives—everything can change in a split second. Everything we know becomes everything we knew. All of our ‘to do’ lists become insignificant.

I remember this night in such detail because it was the last night I would ever lay next to my husband. Friday, January 13, 2017 was his last full night on this earth. After a fun-filled evening of making a bonfire and eating s’mores with our then 8-month old daughter, we had made plans to watch a movie together as a family. He ended up working half the night in the yard and finishing office work for our company. He never came to bed.

I often wonder, had he known that was going to be his last full night on this earth, would he have chosen to spend it differently…?

What he was doing that night were great things that were assets to our home life. But he chose that over quality time with his family. We all fall short in this area. I have been so guilty of wanting to scratch out my to do list before taking the time to spend with loved ones. We get in a mind state of “tomorrow”.

But what if tomorrow never comes?

Everyone has a first day, and a last day, a first breath and a last breath. After experiencing great loss I try to be so aware of my actions every day. At the end of the day I have begun to ask myself—“Did I live this day like it could be my last? Do the people I care about know how much they mean to me? Did I laugh and smile today more than I cried? Did I live for this day or wallow in the past? Did I walk in integrity and represent Christ to the best of my ability? Was this day worthy of being my last?”

Truthfully… The majority of the time the answer to these questions is no. I have good intentions when the day dawns, but I seem to get lost in life’s mundaneness while beginning to question Gods sovereignty when there’s so much darkness and heartache within. 

Have you ever waded through a season of life and the sadness and disappointments seem unrelenting? I find myself telling the Lord as of late… ‘I don’t want to walk this walk anymore. You picked the wrong person.’

How selfish and weak.

No thing is too great to go through with Jesus carrying us. Through my questions and experiencing Christ’s overwhelming presence when nothing else in life makes sense, I know He is good. He is always good.

Romans 12:2 tells us, “Don’t copy the behavior and customs of this world, but let God transform you into a new person by changing the way you think. Then you will learn to know God’s will for you, which is good and pleasing and perfect.”

The worst thing we can do when we experience life’s tragedies is to stay the same. I invite the Lord to continue to change my mind and mold my heart for His glory. A trying season in life is just that… a season. This too shall pass.

A new day is dawning.

A new season is approaching.

Healing is for the taking.

I challenge you to reach out and take what God has already left for us… His peace, His joy, His unrelenting Love.

Embrace each moment and walk in the healing presence of Jesus. His power to overcome resides inside of you. Become unified in that power and anointing. He will change your life and your view of spiritual mountains and giants. My prayer is that you will seek Gods ultimate and sovereign will for your life. I pray if you don’t know Christ as your savior then you won’t let another day end before asking Him to be Lord of your life. I pray you choose His will over comfort and satisfying the flesh. I pray the Lord gives you a supernatural insight on the importance of being eternally minded.

“Yet you do not know what tomorrow will bring. What is your life? For you are a mist that appears for a little time and then vanishes.” James 4:14

Is today worthy of being your last?

I Trust my God, I Trust my God, I Trust my God.

You Are Mine

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You Are Mine Blog

Photo by Shala Gean

I stood uncomfortably in front of the glass window that was open halfway. I shivered from the cold air circulating the waiting area. The lady behind the window shuffled paperwork and sighed in frustration at her slow computer. “Thank you for your patience, we’re starting a brand new system and we will have to do all of the paperwork from the computer.” I nodded, my hand holding my throat that was on fire, I managed to mutter, “It’s okay.”

I am blessed with rarely getting sick, but not that morning. I woke up swallowing what felt like needles and guessed immediately I had strep. So here I was.

The receptionist muttered in a semi excited tone telling me the system was loaded and we could proceed. She began asking me a series of questions. Nothing out of the ordinary. But then the question came that pierced my soul like a knife. Her tone unchanging, so normal… “So are ya married, single, divorced?” Such a normal question. A question that undoubtedly is asked on paperwork. I stuttered, both from my burning throat, and because I was forcing the hot tears down.

She just stared at me waiting for an answer. I managed to mutter, “Uhh, I guess widowed”. Her eyes studied me up and down. There were three others in the small area behind her who had been lost in conversation, but they must have heard my quiet answer and all eyes shifted to me. I wondered what was going through their minds. I could tell I was younger than all of them by at least two decades. I noticed all of their hands wore wedding bands.

The rest of the questions were a blur. I made my way back to my seat to wait for the doctor. That question still ringing in my ears. I hate the term ‘widowed’. My whole life anytime I’ve heard that title I immediately thought of an elder who got to spend the better part of their life with their spouse, but the one no longer here just beat them home. I didn’t think of a young person, barely into adulthood with a small child/children to raise alone.

This scene was weeks ago, but it keeps dwelling in my heart. I find myself asking God why? And He’s showing me how much I have always put my worth into titles in my life. Wife, Mother, Daughter, Journalist…

I have struggled with feeling like I have lost parts of my identity in many areas of my life this past year.

I mourn the loss of the title, Wife.

I don’t want to claim the title of widow. It makes me uncomfortable. It makes me want to crawl out of my skin.

Though I believe the Lord honors us when we are the best sons and daughters, husbands and wives, mothers and fathers here on this earth. But the Lord has been revealing a deep truth in my spirit. Those titles are but a blink of an eye. They do not define us. If we put our entire worth and value into those titles, into our careers, into something that we’re known for on earth, when tragedy strikes, when the rug is pulled out from under us, when life happens, we would crumble on the inside. When our eyes are on the titles of this world they are not on Who Jesus is and who He says we are in Him.

This is the journey the Lord is taking me on. He is showing me through loss and other deep hurts just who I am in Him. He is showing me His strength that permeates through a broken and shattered soul. It hurts, but I see the beauty of Christ’s sovereignty shining through the darkness and the unknown.

Last week I had the opportunity to go camping with some great friends. As I lay alone in my small tent in the middle of the night listening to the wind, and the hundreds of overlapping chirps and screeches of insects and animals, my thoughts circled on just how BIG our God is. I thought of my life. I thought of all the events that led me to this still moment in that tent. I was alone. But I could literally feel the God of the universe surrounding me with His presence. I began to talk to Him. I asked Him,” Who am I, Lord?” I told Him how lost I have felt lately. I shared my fears with Him (though He knew all of this already) I just wanted to speak it. In my spirit I could feel the words, You are Mine encamp around my heart.

You.Are.Mine.

Those three words wrecked my heart. Though many parts of my life feel so messy and in shambles, I am where I am supposed to be because no matter how things appear through the flesh—I am His. And His plans are far greater than I could ever dream of for myself. His ways, His character, His love, and grace, are things I would not understand without experiencing my plans and dreams being shattered overnight.

One of my favorite songs is Lauren Daigle’s ‘Trust in You’. The opening words have been my hearts cry, “Letting go of every single dream, I lay each one down at your feet. Every moment of my wandering never changes what you see…No matter what I face You’re by my side.”

I’m finding myself daily taking to heart His words for me, You are Mine. With that truth—It compels us to want to lay down our dreams at His feet. I don’t want anything that is not from Him. I don’t want a life where He is not the center. I refuse to live a life of complacency and wandering aimlessly with no real vision of being in the center of Gods sovereign will for my life. All other options are just not options at all anymore. Period.

“But now thus says the LORD, he who created you, O Jacob, he who formed you, O Israel: Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have called you by name, you are mine.” Isaiah 43:1

The Lord is showing me that no title is greater than being called His. I am protected by the Creator of the Universe. I am loved by Him, I am set a part. So are YOU.

“Behold, I have engraved you on the palms of my hands…” Isaiah 49:16

I Trust my God, I Trust my God, I Trust my God.

But Aren’t I Enough?

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Photo By Charles Evans

My face buried in my hands, my cheeks burned from the streams of hot tears rolling down as the sobs escaped uncontrollably and out of nowhere. My body ached from the emotions released. A million thoughts bombarding my mind at once… Memories of a life that could have been. So many memories of being on my face in prayer for that life. A life that seemed so far away. The tears keep rolling at thoughts of the future… just mere thoughts though—because I have no clue about the future. But then who really does? We can all make plans, but our tomorrows ultimately aren’t ours to decide.

Fears are overwhelming me. Fears of never having the deep desires of my heart met. Desires that were fulfilled for a short time and then vanished into thin air as if that life were a dream. I opened my mouth in between the deep cries, words of gibberish escaped. I have no idea what to pray, but my spirit does. I just talk to my God. I talk in anger, I talk in transparency, I talk in sadness, I talk in thankfulness… I just talk. And then my spirit hears a faint whisper… “But Aren’t I Enough?”

My sobs stop immediately. I rise to my knees from my crumbled position on the floor in my prayer area. I lift my head up as if aiming to the Heavens. I repeat the question I just felt pressed upon my spirit—“But Aren’t I Enough?”

Before another thought swarmed my flooded mind, the word “Yes” flowed freely.

“Yes, Lord, YOU are enough”, I whispered. “You are more than enough.” As these whispers left my lips I pictured a daddy leading his child. A good daddy would never leave his child to fend for themselves. How much more can we depend on our Heavenly daddy to lead us?

I continued to pray. Words began to come to my mind… fear, anger, grief, sadness, confusion, un-loveable, rejected, impatience, unworthy, unclean… all of these words that have defined my emotions for a long time. These words are not true but hold power when we don’t strike them down with the truth of God’s Word. It doesn’t matter what words the enemy throws at us. When we make the decision to believe them is when we give our power away.

I’ve been giving my power away.

I recently had the opportunity to speak at a 3 day women’s ministry event. During a pivotal moment in the weekend a young woman testified that the Lord revealed something profound to her. She stated that she realized she needed to Love Christ more than her children, more than her husband.

Ouch.

I cannot get that revelation out of my mind. When she spoke this truth, her words pierced with a supernatural power. How many of us love our children more than Jesus? Our spouses?

After experiencing deep loss, I have gone through a season of not trusting God with my baby girl. That sounds ridiculous as I read it out loud right now. How could I not trust Him with her? He created her. But I was inflicted with deep fear of losing her after losing my husband, her daddy. I didn’t want her out of my sight. I wanted to keep her all to myself all of the time. It was unhealthy. I have definitely come a long way in overcoming those fears. But that fear can still creep up and paralyzes me out of nowhere.

Fear is the opposite of trust… the opposite of love.

1 John 4:18 tell us, “There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear…”

When we surrender every faucet of our lives to Christ, it frees us up to trust in a supernatural manner.

In my moment of disheveled tears and transparency before the throne in my prayer area—I begun to see how I have allowed fear to slither in nearly every area of my life like the slimy snake it is. I have lost sight of the throne. I have lost sight of truth. I have been so focused on something I think I want or think I deserve and my eyes fell off of the One who those things would derive from in the first place. The Lord gave me a vision of a huge rock. On this rock I built a house. I built a family, a career, I have titles. I have ‘purpose’. On this rock my entire earthly life is built so beautifully. But a storm comes and knocks down everything I built on that rock.

All that’s left is The Rock.

“Trust in the LORD forever, for the LORD, the LORD himself, is the Rock eternal.” Isaiah 26:4

“The LORD is my rock, my fortress and my deliverer; my God is my rock, in whom I take refuge, my shield and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold.” Psalm 18:2

When our lives don’t work out how we want them to, when our lives seem to be falling apart, when we are disappointed, fearful, impatient, … The Rock still remains, unshaken, unmoved, acting as our shield.

Christ is the ONLY steadfast thing in our lives. He is the only constant and true centerfold. Everything in our lives should ultimately point to glorifying Him. Every relationship, every position we hold, every place we enter we represent Christ. If He is all we had, all we could depend upon and trust in… Isn’t that enough?

“But Aren’t I Enough?”

Ephesians 1:3 says, “Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who has blessed us in the heavenly realms with every spiritual blessing in Christ.”

In Him we already have more than enough… everything else in this life, every other relationship, our children, significant others, our titles, careers, nice homes, beauty, handsomeness, earthly riches… EVERYTHING else is ‘extra’ and less than essential for the journey to our forever home in Heaven.

He is ENOUGH.

“His divine power has granted to us all things that pertain to life and godliness, through the knowledge of him who called us to his own glory and excellence.” 2 Peter 1:3

I Trust my God, I Trust my God, I Trust my God.

Turning The ‘Extra Ordinary’ Into Extraordinary

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Make me broken

I have always found the word ‘Extraordinary’ to be funny and full of irony. Being a writer I like words—obviously. I like to break words down. Merriam Webster’s Dictionary defines Extraordinary as, “going beyond what is usual, regular, or customary, extraordinary powers, exceptional to a very marked extent.”

Going beyond, exceptional… Those are words describing Extraordinary. But looking at the word ‘extraordinary’ it is made up of two words… Extra and Ordinary.

Extra Ordinary.

So being extra ordinary makes up the word Extraordinary… something exceptional, to go beyond…? Ironic.

This is exactly what God does in His people. He calls extra ordinary people to do Extraordinary things through Him and for His glory.

There have been many times in my life when I have had a dream to accomplish something that is bigger than me. A dream that I want to chase down and lavish in but then I hear those whispers…’ you’re not good enough, you’re not smart enough, they won’t take you seriously, you’re not exceptional enough.’ I know we all experience those whispers in our minds. Those thoughts are obviously not from the Lord.

I am reminded time and time again that perfection in human form does not exist, nor will it ever exist. The more I grow in my relationship with the Lord the more I proclaim the notion that there is NOTHING good in me apart from Christ. Nothing. My flesh is totally fouled and continuously failing. But with Christ as my Savior and with Him residing in me… I become new and spiritually pure. My ‘extra ordinary’ becomes Extraordinary through Christ.

I love the Word of God. The Holy Bible is our physical connection to our Heavenly Father. The power in scripture, the truths, the testimonies of people that God has used gives us hope when we may otherwise have none. The Word of God continuously breath’s life into us.

I want to revisit some of my favorite testimonies in the Bible. Mary was just an extra ordinary young girl who had a dream of being a wife and a mother one day. God took Mary’s dream and multiplied it by infinity.

In the Book of Luke chapter 1 verses 26-28 and verses 30-35 it says, “In the sixth month the angel Gabriel was sent from God to a city of Galilee named Nazareth, to a virgin betrothed to a man whose name was Joseph, of the house of David. And the virgin’s name was Mary. And he came to her and said, “Greetings, O favored one, the Lord is with you!”… The angel said to her, “Do not be afraid, Mary, for you have found favor with God. And behold, you will conceive in your womb and bear a son, and you shall call his name Jesus. He will be great and will be called the Son of the Most High. And the Lord God will give to him the throne of his father David, and he will reign over the house of Jacob forever, and of his kingdom there will be no end.” And Mary said to the angel, “How will this be, since I am a virgin?” And the angel answered her, “The Holy Spirit will come upon you, and the power of the Most High will overshadow you; therefore the child to be born will be called holy—the Son of God.”

God chose this extra ordinary girl to carry, birth, and raise the Savior of the world. He chose her to do something Extraordinary through Him.

David was just an extra ordinary shepherd boy, the youngest of seven brothers. The Lord chose David from an early age. “Then Samuel said to Jesse, “Are all your sons here?” And he said, “There remains yet the youngest, but behold, he is keeping the sheep.” And Samuel said to Jesse, “Send and get him, for we will not sit down till he comes here.” And he sent and brought him in. Now he was ruddy and had beautiful eyes and was handsome. And the LORD said, Arise, anoint him, for this is he.” Then Samuel took the horn of oil and anointed him in the midst of his brothers. And the spirit of the LORD rushed upon David from that day forward…” 1 Samuel 16:11-13.

In chapter 17 we read that through the power of God—as just a boy David took down goliath with a sling and a rock. He had God confidence and knew Who resided in him, making him Extraordinary. God continued to do Extraordinary things in David’s life and he later reigned as king… this extra ordinary shepherd boy became Extraordinary through the power of God.

I love the story of Esther. Another story of an extra ordinary girl—a Jewish girl. King Ahasuerus was seeking a queen. His officers gathered all the beautiful young virgins. Esther, who had lost her mother and father and was being raised by her Uncle, Mordecai, was among these beautiful young women gathered to the Kings palace. It says in Esther 2:9, in reference to Hegai, who was in charge of the women, “And the young woman pleased him and won his favor.” Hegai then chose to advance Esther. In verse 17 it says, “The king loved Esther more than all the women, and she won grace and favor in his sight more than all the virgins, so that he set the royal crown on her head and made her queen…”

A plot was being planned against the Jews and Mordecai overheard the plot. He told Queen Esther of the plot. “For if you keep silent at this time, relief and deliverance will rise for the Jews from another place, but you and your father’s house will perish. And who knows whether you have not come to the kingdom for such a time as this?”

Esther was an extra ordinary Jewish girl who was obedient. Queen Esther had won the favor of the King so drastically that she was able to go to him with the information of the plots against her people and with the King’s help she saved her people. She became Extraordinary.

I could go on and on with testaments of Gods power and how He exchanges our ‘extra ordinary’ for Extraordinary. We serve that same God today.

I don’t know about you… But I want that power in my life every single day. When Christ resides in us we are powerful beyond our comprehension.

I want to trust like Mary did.

I want to have a God confidence like David did.

I want to live in obedience and grace like Esther did.

We don’t have to live mundane and defeated lives. We don’t have to be overcome with complacency, depression, and joylessness. We were made for so much more. We were made to be world changers. We were made to be representatives of Christ. We were made to be powerful in Christ, to rise up and out of the darkness to proclaim the power and goodness of God. I don’t want to remain the same. I don’t want to accept mediocrity in my Christian walk. I want to KNOW God more and more every day I am on this earth. I want to live a life that draws others closer to Christ.

I want my daughter to grow and witness a life of power in Christ. I want to allow God to transform the extra ordinary into something Extraordinary for His glory.

I desire a constant expectancy in my spirit, almost as tangible as if I were physically carrying life inside of me waiting to birth this new life. That is how I want to expect the extra ordinary to grow into something Extraordinary through Christ.

I challenge you to reject the complacency in your walk with Christ. I challenge you to get in a quiet place in your mind and heart and seek Him. Ask Him into every area of your life—not just the easy places… but the scary and hard to reach places in your heart, mind and emotions. We all have things we want to lock away and hide—but then those things will always hold us captive. Lay it down.

“Now to Him who is able to do far more abundantly beyond all that we ask or think, according to the power that works within us.” Ephesians 5:20

When God is in it, little is much.

When God is in it, the extra ordinary becomes the Extraordinary.

I Trust my God, I Trust my God, I Trust my God.

I Will Praise You Through The Pain

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Photo By Brianne Campos Photography

“The LORD is my strength and my shield; my heart trusts in Him, and I am helped; therefore my heart exults. And with my song I shall thank Him.” Psalm 28:7

I made a decision a long time ago that I would praise You, always, Lord.

There was a time in my life when I didn’t understand what praising You meant.

There was a time in my life when You whispered to me to praise You, and I replied with, “I will not praise You when my life is a mess… fix this and then I’ll praise You.”

What a victim mentality that was.

That particular night 4 years ago is a moment I will never forget. The Lord got a hold of my heart and revealed Himself to me in a whole new light. I began to realize it’s not about what God can do for us… We shouldn’t praise Him for what He can do… We should praise Him simply for Who He is. He is The Lord of Lord’s, The King of King’s. He is worthy of all of our praise, all of the time. No matter our circumstances.

Even when we’re hurting.

Especially when we’re hurting.

There is power in praising God through the Pain. There is power in praising God through the storms of life.

And I’m not talking about a flat tire kind of day storm—I am referring to the hurricanes and tornadoes of life… broken relationships, dreaded news…death. Through the dark chaos of life—God still deserves our praises.

Through learning to praise God during what was my greatest fear at that time—a near failed marriage (which God redeemed)… That trial changed my praise. God showed me the power of praising Him through the darkness. A supernatural power arises within us and around us when we lift our hands and eyes to the heavens and pour out our praises to our Creator. Some may think it’s weird, uncomfortable or mystical even. But we were made to praise God. There is something threaded in our souls that yearns for fellowship with Christ. We may not even realize it. But I am living proof of the strength that can be born from praising in the most un-praise-able scenarios. The above picture was captured at my late husband’s funeral on January 24, 2017.

When I look at this picture a swarm of emotions arise within me. I look at my face and don’t even recognize the woman in that picture. I remember that moment as if it were yesterday. It was one of those moments that changes who you are… forever. I will never be the same woman I was a moment before this photo was captured. The praise happening in this picture was one of absolute and complete surrender to God. I woke up that morning not wanting to face the day of burying my husband and the father of my then 9 month old baby girl. I didn’t want to get out of bed. I didn’t want to do this hard thing in front of me.

But God.

Getting dressed that morning was a blur. The drive to the church was a blur. Entering the building and being guided to a secluded room was a blur. The walk down the aisle to take my seat in front of the cedar casket that held my husband’s lifeless body was a blur.

But when the music began… When the words of worship emitted through the air… Something happened inside of me. I have always considered myself a ‘worshipper’. But this day changed that meaning to me.

The Holy Spirit came and ministered to me in my seat. He began to engulf me in peace. He began to shower me with an out of this world strength. In that moment—I knew I was going to be okay. I knew I was not alone. I knew God was bigger than my pain. I could feel the Holy Spirit tell me to surrender. He told me to TRUST. He told me this was not about me.

This tragedy was not about me.

This pain was not about me.

It was not about the cedar casket in front of me that held my husband.

It was not about anyone in that building.

It was about my Jesus.

My Redeemer. My Creator. The One who lives and reigns forever. Because of HIM I had the assurance to know and see in the spirit my husband was ALIVE.

He’s not in that cedar casket. He’s not lifeless.

He is living out his eternity with Jesus. He is more alive than we are.

I couldn’t stay seated any longer. I had to stand and praise my creator for giving LIFE to my husband and all that believe in Christ as their savior.

Christ was to be glorified through this tragedy. I was not to bottle up my hurt and sink into a dark pit.

The Holy Spirit whispered His love to me. He whispered parts of His plan to me. I knew it was going to be a hard road. I knew the grief that lay ahead would be gut-wrenching… But I knew I would survive with Christ living in me. By His power—not mine.

And you will survive the pain of whatever you’re facing too. God is bigger than our earthly pain and sorrow.

I hesitated posting this picture and this blog… But the pull in my spirit is someone needs these words. The pain is real. The pain of death is very real, almost tangible. Grief is its own entity. It’s okay to hurt. It’s okay to grieve. Just remember not to stay there forever. Ask God to help you through the darkness. Ask Him to guide you minute to minute. Ask Him what His purpose for this pain is. He will show you. Going through these last 12 months navigating life after deep loss has allowed me to feel others pain as if it were my own again. The compassion that has been etched into my heart specifically for other widowers is so real. I am thankful for that new emotion. I will carry it for the remainder of my life. I will always pray strategically for ones who face this same road. A road no one wants to travel or thinks of having to travel—This road is hard, but allow God to change your heart on the journey. He will not leave or forsake you, Ever. Even on the hardest and darkest day—HE is there, holding you, breathing life into your loss.

“But an hour is coming, and now is, when the true worshippers will worship the Father in Spirit and truth, for such people the Father seeks to be His worshippers. John 4:23-24.

Praise Him in those moments. Praise Him when it hurts the most. He will show up in the middle of your pain. I promise He will.

“The LORD is a stronghold for the oppressed, a stronghold in times of trouble. And those who know your name put their trust in you, for you, O LORD, have not forsaken those who seek you. Sing praises to the LORD…” Psalm 9:9-11.

“But I have trusted in your steadfast love; my heart shall rejoice in your salvation. I will sing to the LORD, because he has dealt bountifully with me.” Psalm 13:5-6.

“And my tongue shall declare Your righteousness And Your praise all the day long.” Psalm 35:28

When life brings pain, remember you are never alone. The Lord is our strong tower, our ever present help in times of trouble. He makes all things work together for the good of those who love Him, Romans 8:28.

You are so much stronger than you know…

Just repeat after me…

I Trust my God, I Trust my God, I Trust my God.

I Love You… Eternally

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I Love you Eternally

Photo By Daniel Dockweiler

So many emotions the last few days have taken camp on my heart as I face the 1-year mark of Cody being home in heaven. But of all the emotions I’ve faced—Thankfulness is the most prevalent. I am so thankful for having experienced the Love of Cody Lusk. I am thankful to raise the life we created. I am thankful for the new appreciation of life I have. I am thankful for the people the Lord has brought into my life this last year. I am thankful for the deep grief, pain and sorrow, because it has allowed me to experience true joy and peace on a new level.

Tragedy doesn’t have to define you. We do not have to be victims of tragedy for the remainder of our lives. God does not allow tragedy to penetrate our lives for it to be forgotten in the ground… He put in us a strength and a faith that can erupt like a volcano when we Surrender to HIM. That doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt, and it doesn’t mean questions don’t come—but it means we can accept and TRUST that God has us in the palm of His hands—“We are covered under His feathers and under His wings we will find refuge.” Psalm 91:4. I don’t know about you, but there is no place else I’d rather be than covered under His wings.

The word eternity has pierced my heart this last year. I now have a deep desire to be more eternally focused. Over the last year I have re-read dozens and dozens of letters and love notes from Cody over the years of our marriage. Every single one ended with, “I Love you, Eternally”. The definition of eternally is, “in a way that continues and lasts forever; permanently.” That makes my heart smile. Over the last couple of months I am ashamed to admit I have struggled with anger in regards to unresolved things in our marriage. I would angrily cry out to God hundreds of WHY’S?

On New Year’s Eve while praying in my special prayer area, I had my face buried in my hands sobbing and I felt a little hand on my shoulder. I looked up and baby Abby was standing inches from me with her arms outstretched. In that moment I felt the Holy Spirit say, “It is finished. Cody is with me. He Loved you with all that he had and I left the best part of him with you.” In that moment the burden of the unanswerable ‘why’s’ that were haunting me dissipated. The anger was released and replaced with that unexplainable peace that exists when we surrender. In that moment as my daughters little body was wrapped around mine, her little face nestled in my neck, feeling her heart beating and her breath on my skin, a new strength and love arose. I began to see a part of my heart neatly wrapped up with a pretty bow on it—that part of my heart was Cody’s and our life together. I then saw a huge part of my heart beating that I never knew existed. I’m realizing it’s okay to desire certain things again. It’s okay to look to the future with excitement. It’s okay to stop asking why.

It doesn’t matter why.

It doesn’t matter what happened.

It doesn’t matter.

That may sound cold, and I don’t mean it to at all. I just mean I am coming to a place, a new stage of healing and I’m realizing no amount of screams and cries to God or Cody in anger will change anything. Accepting that it was ordained for me to only get 4.5 years with him and Abby was only to get 9 months with him… But we have eternity to look forward to.

When I read the words “I Love you, Eternally” written by my husband, my heart soars and breaks at the same time. But you know what is marinated in my soul even deeper than my husband speaking those words? Is my Heavenly Daddy speaking those same words over me—He Loves me eternally. He will never leave or forsake me or my daughter. He has more than taken care of us these last 12 months and I trust and have faith He will continue to do so.

Romans 5:2-5 tells us “Through him we have also obtained access by faith into this grace in which we stand, and we rejoice in hope of the glory of God. Not only that, but we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us.”

I’ve had people ask me over the last 12 months if I have felt guilty for laughing or having fun. My instant answer is ‘NO’. I will never feel guilty for laughing or for exuding joy and God’s Love. Because joy and love is the essence of life. Cody was one of the most exuberant souls you would have ever met.

He would never want me to live my life in darkness and sadness forever.

So I refuse to.

Grief changes you, but it doesn’t have to be a permanent sad kind of change.

It can be a strengthening change.

A brave change.

A learning to Love deeper kind of change.

A let’s not take life for granted kind of change.

So yes, grief and tragedy has changed me, but not in the worlds way of thinking. God’s eternal love has penetrated my life on so many new levels this year that wouldn’t be had it not been for experiencing deep loss. I would have never chosen to walk this walk, but here I am. So every day I ask the Lord for help and continue to repeat…

I Trust my God, I Trust my God, I Trust my God.

It Is Well With My Soul

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Though these 6 words are so simple—It Is Well With My Soul—they are the difference between spiritual life and death. Literally.

For the last 10.5 months I have been dreading this holiday season. The first holidays without my Cody. When I allow my mind to think too much, my heart feels as if it will palpitate out of my chest. Memories of Cody holding tiny 8-month old baby Abby across his lap as she opened her first Christmas presents invade my mind. The smiles on both of their faces are forever burned in my memories. Never imagining his smile would forever vanish on this earth only 3 weeks later.

But…

It Is Well With My Soul.

No matter the pain, no matter the memories, no matter the grieving times… It Is Well With My Soul.

To say those words and mean them, is truly freeing.

I have such a pressing in my spirit to share what a good, good Father we have. His love is so real. His faithfulness is never failing. So many people base their trust in God on their circumstances—I’m so guilty of this too. But that only hurts us. It’s easy to love someone when they love us and give us what we may think we need or want… But to love when it’s hard—that is the true test of our character.

Our love relationship with our Heavenly Father is the most epic never ending, adventurous love story of all time. I don’t want to stop loving Him or seeking Him because His plans differ from what I had pictured for my life. His plans—though not of this world—are so much more beautiful than we can fathom.

Let go, and let God.

Let go of the hard stuff. Let go of the un-forgiveness. Let go of the shame and guilt. Let God take your burdens. Let God restore your relationships. Let God heal your life and make you white as snow.

He yearns for His children to say—‘It Is Well With My Soul’. No.Matter.The.Circumstances.

“Oh, my soul

You are not alone

There’s a place where fear has to face the God you know

One more day, He will make a way

Let Him show you how, you can lay this down

‘Cause you’re not alone…” Oh My Soul, by Casting Crowns

These song lyrics stir my spirit. They are words testifying that our troubles and trials do not have to dictate the status of our soul.

Jesus took care of that status at the cross. He sacrificed His life so we can say ‘It Is Well With My

Soul’.

“God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble. Therefore we will not fear, though the earth gives way, though the mountains be moved into the heart of the sea. Though the waters roar and foam, though the mountains tremble at its swelling. There is a river whose streams make glad the city of God, the holy habitation of the Most High. God is in the midst of her; she shall not be moved; God will help her when morning dawns. The nations rage, the kingdoms totter; he utters his voice, the earth melts. The LORD of hosts is with us; The God of Jacob is our fortress. Come, behold the works of the LORD, how he has brought desolations on the earth. He makes wars cease to the end of the earth; he breaks the bow and shatters the spear; he burns the chariots with fire. Be still, and know that I am God. I will be exalted among the nations. I will be exalted in the earth.” Psalm 46:1-10

With God as my fortress— I have the confidence to enter a new year and a new season of deep healing as the Lord writes the rest of my story. I pray I will always sing… It Is Well With My Soul.

I Trust my God, I Trust my God, I Trust my God.

Higher Perspective

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Higher Perspective

I leaned my head back against the seat, my face turned toward the small window to my right.  My eyes could not take in the beauty fast enough. They darted to the left, right, up and down.  My heart was pounding so fast.  I turned to my friend and said, “This is as close as I’ll get to heaven on this side of glory.”  The tears welled in the corners of my eyes thinking about my late husband… But they weren’t sad tears.  They were happy tears.  Seeing the beauty of the sky, the clouds the sun setting, the raw artwork of the greatest painter—God. The One who created the Heavens and the earth and all that lay in between.  He painted this sky I was flying in.  I couldn’t help but ponder how much more beautiful Heaven must be.  My tears were caught by the corner of my lips forming a smile out of such awe.  I whispered, ‘it’s a Higher Perspective from here’.

For the last several months the Lord has impressed upon me the words ‘Higher Perspective’ during my quiet time.  This past Sunday, my Pastor, Jason Harris at Evangelistic Temple spoke words that centered around having a Higher Perspective from our earthly seats. He referenced Hebrews 7:25 “Consequently, he is able to save to the uttermost those who draw near to God through him, since he always lives to make intercession for them.”

Knowing that we commune and have availability to partake in a personal relationship with The One who ‘lives to make intercession for us’ baffles my human mind.  Prior to Pastor Jason preaching this message revolving around Hebrews 7:25—I can’t say this scripture has ever stuck out to me in the past.  But wow, what weight it holds. Knowing Christ’s eternal purpose is to constantly be in intercession for us to the Father definitely gives me a Higher Perspective of my everyday life. Details, even mundane, seemingly unimportant details are not forgotten.

Having a Higher Perspective is focusing our minds eternally.

Even when we’re hurting.

2 Corinthians 4:16-18 tells us, “Therefore we do not lose heart, but though we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day.  For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all.  So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen.  For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.”

I don’t know about you, but I want to have that Higher Perspective in every faucet of my life.  I don’t want to be so engaged in self, and the worldliness that engulfs us that I forget to look up… that I forget to make a conscious effort to find that Higher Perspective in all things.

As a child I remember knowing who Jesus was.  I could sense Him in my spirit and have memories of praying and talking to Him at the young ages of 5 and 6.  As I grew older and came to realize not everyone believes in Christ or understands the concept of having a personal relationship with Him, but watching their lives I began to see how we are all searching for something.  Some of us it is the continual seeking to know Christ more.  Some of us fulfill that void (that ONLY a personal relationship with our Savior can fulfill) with riches of this world, lust, over-indulgences, titles, power… the list could go on.  Nothing satisfies like the love of our Jesus does.

If our perspective is focused horizontally and inwardly, we will never reach our full potential in who God has designed us to be.  When our focus is more vertical and outward—it opens our minds and hearts to new levels. It allows us to step back and allow God to dream for us even in the midst of devastation and loss.  After all His ways are much higher than our minds could ever begin to fathom.  “For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways declares the Lord.  For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts higher than your thoughts.”  Isaiah 55:8-9

These scriptures beautifully depict that Higher Perspective that God has for us. I challenge us—my-self included—to search our hearts and minds and study our perspectives on our less than perfect lives and some downright scary circumstances. Where are we putting our hope and trust? If our perspective is one through the lens of Christ then we know that Romans 8:28 will prevail. “…That in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.”

I pray daily for a Higher Perspective.  Whether in moments of gut wrenching grief, moments of unexplained peace, entering new seasons of life, facing un-answerable questions, charting new territory… I crave the wisdom to face all things with the grace and Higher Perspective that is rooted in knowing and surrendering to Christ.

I Trust my God, I Trust my God, I Trust my God.

Finding Healing

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Finding Healing

Photo By Shala Gean

This picture speaks 1000 words. The water. The stump. The wind. The sky. The sadness. The beauty. The healing.

There is deep healing happening in this photo.

A moment can change our lives. On November 14—10 months to the day my husband never came home from the water during a fishing trip—I was on a trip to the Pacific Northwest. We decided to go to Vashon Island. The ferry ride to the island was a quiet one. My friend and I were eager to go to the island, but didn’t quite think it through. Being sensitive in the spirit like she is—she knew I was having trouble being on the water. It was an unspoken silence. But deep down I knew I needed to get to the other side of the water.

Arriving to Vashon Island—it was unique and beautiful. We drove miles to Point Robinson Park. As we were walking through the trails of the park—I felt the Lord walking with me. It was a visceral sensation. The trails parted and in front of us was a lighthouse overlooking miles of water. The beauty was breathtaking. The overcast skies were appropriate. They represented the deep sadness I carry in my heart. Though the skies loomed dark, they were encompassed with boundless beauty. They were engulfed in a sweet tranquility. I couldn’t get to the water’s edge fast enough. Walking the shoreline, I knew I wasn’t alone. I knew the Lord brought me to Washington, to this island, to this shoreline, in this moment for a special and deep healing in my heart.

I looked up and saw a stump overturned. Tears filled the corners of my eyes. “A serenity stump”, I whispered. Cody and I had a stump on the end of our pier—we called it a serenity stump. Lots of quiet time, prayers and laughter were shared on that stump. I made my way down the beach and climbed to the top of the stump. I knew it had been waiting for me.

I sat there in silence. Looking around me. Studying the water. Studying the waves. I wanted to scream. I wanted to cry. I wanted to run into the cold water. But I sat in silence as soundless tears streamed. In that moment I felt a release. My shattered, throbbing heart began to throb a little less. I gulped in cold air. The wind felt like it was turning my tears into ice. But it felt refreshing. It’s okay to cry. It’s okay to sit in silence. It’s okay to reflect. It’s okay to heal. It’s okay to be excited about the future. It’s okay to let go of the guilt.

I don’t talk much about the guilt I felt over the death of my husband. I don’t talk about the guilt the enemy dangles at me daily since his death. But sitting on this stump, listening to the waves of the water crashing, taking in this raw beauty, I could hear the Lord telling me to lay the guilt down. It’s not mine to carry with me anymore—it never was mine to carry.

I could feel the Lord’s sovereignty blanketing me. Through all of the sadness this year, confusion, fear, grief, He still reigns supreme and boundless. He is still a good, good Father.

I am thankful to know my Heavenly Daddy on a deep and intimate level. When you can feel His unending love covering the depths of your heart, telling you to, “keep trusting, keep digging deeper, keep putting one foot in front of the other,” His love is unshakable, impenetrable, and always abounding.

“You call me out upon the waters

The great unknown where feet may fail
And there I find You in the mystery
In oceans deep
My faith will stand” Hillsong

When we go through the deep waters of life, it’s so easy to want to run away. To run from God, but it’s through the deep waters The Lord has the greatest opportunity to mold us from the inside out. I am forever thankful for His molding in me. Though many times my flesh has fought to run—I’ve realized there is no power in running. Our power begins when we surrender our lives and tragedies to our Creator. He is never finished with us.

The story isn’t complete. My story isn’t complete. Your story isn’t complete.
Lean into the Lord through the joy, sadness, mundaneness, and deep grief of this life. Seek His will in all things. Let Him dream for you—His plans will far exceed our own. “For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, declares the Lord. For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts.” Isaiah 55:8-9.

“Your grace abounds in deepest waters
Your sovereign hand
Will be my guide
Where feet may fail and fear surrounds me
You’ve never failed and You won’t start now

Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders
Let me walk upon the waters
Wherever You would call me
Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander
And my faith will be made stronger
In the presence of my Savior” Hillsong

I left a piece of my heart on Vashon Island.

Sitting on the ‘serenity stump’ at the water’s edge, I found healing.

I Trust my God, I Trust my God, I Trust my God.

#Fearless

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me&Abby

Photo by Brianne Campos Photography

“But now, this is what the LORD says—He who created you, Jacob, he who formed you, Israel: “Do not fear, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine.”  Isaiah 43:1

Last week I had the honor of speaking at River of Praise Church in Palestine during their revival week.  While praying about what the Lord would have me speak the word fearless kept coming to mind.  Studying scriptures on the Lord commanding us to not fear, I could not get away from Isaiah 43:1.  I love the NLT version above as it uses the word summoned.

The definition of summoned is “to authoritatively or urgently call on someone to be present—especially in a courtroom of law.  You could be summoned as a witness.”

It is past tense—meaning The Lord has already summoned us.  We are His.  It is already done.  That alone should make us #fearless.  What are we so afraid of?

The feedback I received after speaking this message was confirmation that fear has undoubtedly seeped into our churches and in the hearts and minds of God’s people.  It has become an epidemic.  I want to do what the Lord has commanded of us hundreds of times in the Bible—‘DO NOT FEAR!’

“Have I not commanded you?  Be strong and courageous.  Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go.”  Joshua 1:9

“For I am the LORD your God who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, Do not fear, I will help you.”  Isaiah 41:13

“Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you.  I do not give you as the world gives.  Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.”  John 14:27

These three scriptures should be etched into our minds.  These words should be our weapons against the enemy when he throws arrows of fear at us.  After speaking about the Lord calling us to be fearless—guess what happened?  The enemy tried to attack me with fear tactics.  Keyword tried.  Over the years I have come to recognize the enemy.  We are called to be warriors for the gospel of Christ.  Like any good warrior prior to stepping on the battlefield we need to study our enemy.  We need to understand his plan of attack so when it happens we can cast him down with the Word of God and stand fearless in our rebukes.

But what happens when we don’t draw our swords against attacks of fear?  Fear can become a momentary eclipse over glory.  I use the word momentary because John 1:5 says, “The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome it.”  Though fear/darkness will never defeat us when we have Christ as our Savior, fear can ail us.  Each time we fear, we give the enemy more power over us.  Our trust in the Lord falters when fear arises.

One of my favorite biblical testimonies is of David and Goliath found in 1 Samuel chapter 17.  Goliath of Gath a Philistine Champion was described as having a coat with the weight of five thousand shekels of bronze, he had a helmet of bronze on his head, bronze armor on his legs, and a javelin of bronze slung between his shoulders. The shaft of his spear was like a weaver’s beam, and his spears head weighed six hundred shekels of iron, and a shield-bearer went before him.

David was just a young shepherd boy, the youngest of eight brothers.  Three of his brothers were with Saul and all the men of Israel in the Valley of Elah fighting the Philistines.  Per his father’s request, David took food to his brothers.  While in Elah David witnesses Goliath of Gath challenge any Israelite man to go to battle with him.  Goliath said if an Israelite man could defeat him to death then the Philistines would serve the Israelites and vice versa.  Goliath was feared by the Israelite army.  “All the men of Israel, when they saw the man, fled from him and were much afraid.”  1 Samuel 17:24

But David did not fear Goliath.

“And David said to the men who stood by him… “ For who is this uncircumcised Philistine, that he should defy the armies of the living God?”” 1 Samuel 17:26

David went to Saul and requested he fight Goliath.  Saul said no.  “But David said to Saul “Your servant used to keep sheep for his father.  And when there came a lion, or a bear, and took a lamb from the flock, I went after him and struck him down and delivered it out of his mouth… The LORD who delivered me from the paw of the lion and from the paw of the bear will deliver me from the hand of this Philistine.”  1 Samuel 17:34-35, 37.

Can we take a second and think about David’s fearlessness?  His unhindered TRUST in God produced a fearless nature in him that I guarantee every man on that battlefield envied.  David knew the power of the Lord we serve.  He knew he had nothing to fear because the Lord was with him.

Having no armor and only 5 rocks and a sling David fearlessly approached Goliath.
1 Samuel 17:45-47 is some of my favorite words in the entire Bible.  “You come to me with a sword and with a spear and with a javelin, but I come to you in the name of the LORD of hosts, the God of the armies of Israel, whom you have defied.  This day the LORD will deliver you into my hand, and I will strike you down and cut off your head…that all the earth may know that there is a God in Israel, and that all this assembly may know that the LORD saves not with sword and spear.  For the battle is the LORD’s and he will give you into our hand.”

David defeated Goliath with one stone and his sling.  Goliath falls to the ground and David grabs the giant’s sword and uses it to cut his head off.  The Philistines fled.

This was the beginning of David’s fearless nature and unshakable trust in the Lord.

I keep thinking about how much thicker the Bible would be if everyone the Lord summoned to be fearless in His name had been obedient to the calling and anointing on their life?

I don’t know about you—but I want to walk in a fearless obedience to the things the Lord has called me to do on this side of glory.

I want a faith so big that I run fearlessly into the battlefield ready to cut a giants head off —because I know Who fights for me.  I don’t want to fear anything.  I think we can all say that.  So why has fear made itself so cozy in our lives?

The past 9 months of my life have been what some would describe as fearful.  Being widowed at 27 with a 9 month old baby has ‘fear’ written all over it.

But God.

In April the Lord gave me a vision—I was standing on a rock in the middle of a large body of water.  I am alone physically.  I see the word fearless above me.  In my spirit the Lord is calling me to trust Him, to take His hand and live fearlessly with Him.  I think of this vision daily.

I am not going to lie and say the enemy doesn’t parade fear around me, and oh how easy it is to give into the fear of the unknown of life.  The fear of another devastating tragedy taking camp in my life.  The fear of being alone.  The fear of my daughter not having an earthly father.  The fear of being a single parent.  The fear of grief.

So.Many.Things.To.Fear.

I have to choose daily to be like David.  I choose to face my Goliath’s knowing that my God will never leave me or forsake me.  He will deliver me.  He will protect me.

“I sought the LORD, and he answered me; he delivered me from all my fears.”  Psalm 34:4

We have nothing to fear when the Lord of hosts, the Creator of Heaven and Earth and everything in between, is holding us up.  Even when our lives seem turned upside down, we need to take our eyes off ourselves and look at our situations through the lens of the Gospel and Christ.  The sooner we understand that our lives are NOT ABOUT US, the sooner we will begin to truly live a life of fearlessness that eludes freedom.  Everything is designed for the Glory of God.  He is worthy of that glory, all of the time.

“Even though I walk through the darkest valley, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me.”  Psalm 23:4

“The LORD is my light and my salvation—whom shall I fear?  The LORD is the stronghold of my life—of whom shall I be afraid?”  Psalm 27:1

“When I am afraid, I put my trust in you.  In God, whose word I praise—in God I trust and am not afraid. What can mere mortals do to me?”  Psalm 56:3-4

The Lord is calling all of us to be #fearless.

I Trust my God, I Trust my God, I Trust my God.