If grief were a person…. It’d be you.
Grief would be handsome.
Grief would be strong.
Grief would be full of life.
Grief would be you.
Some days when your memory is just too strong I jump in my red SUV and drive. Then I drive some more. Sometimes I blast Worship music and sing to the Heavens that is now your home. But sometimes I listen to our songs. Sometimes I listen to bad rap music and I force myself to let the anger out. Sometimes I just drive and cry. Today was one of those days. I could feel you in the passenger seat. I could feel your presence. Your overwhelming, undeniable, all-consuming presence. I wanted so badly to reach out and touch your face. To feel your strong hands and arms around me. But then I force myself to shake away the thoughts that will inevitably send me into a dark spiral of emotions.
It’s been 3.5 years. Yet some days it feels like yesterday. Every time I feel strong and steady in my new life I’m knocked down with triggers of you, us, our life, the good and bad. It is literally all consuming. I still… after 3.5 years wake up looking for you… reaching for you. Sometimes I wear your deodorant to bed just to smell you near. That is so weird, I know, I know. But loss and grief make you do weird things.
I’ve grown a lot these last 3 years. I wonder if you’d even recognize the woman I am. Almost every big decision I’ve made since you’ve been gone, I see your face. I wonder if you’d be proud. I wonder so many things. I wonder when I will be able to let you go. I wonder when your memory will fade so much so that I can truly allow someone else in. I wonder. I wonder so many things.
I feel selfish. I see other’s lives move on. Marriages, babies, family vacations, and in some ways I feel so stuck in the past. I know where my mind goes isn’t healthy at times. But this journey is just that- a journey. Some days I get it right and I’m strong and can inspire others to be strong during life’s tragedies. But then there are the days I’m crumbling inside. The days I take out my grief box and I delve in. “Missing you comes in waves, and tonight I’m drowning”. Some days I have to allow myself to drown in you.
My scars are bleeding. My heart is throbbing with pain and love. My mind is jumbled with confusion and frustration, anger, but acceptance. Grief is literally a million emotions and thoughts mangled together. It changes you. Sometimes I’m thankful for the change. Other times I hate who I’ve become because I’ve forced myself to be cold and uncaring.
Tonight I’m drowning. Tonight my scars are bleeding.
I know I’ll see you again. But I want “again” to be right now. I want to hit your chest with my small fists. I want to run into your strong arms. I want to scream into your ears. I just simply want you. I want to go back in time and change so many things. All we needed was a little more time to get things right. I could see us flourishing. But we ended too soon and I will never understand that part. But I have to force myself to choose every day to accept it.
I know God has an amazing plan for my life. A plan that somehow had to include all of this. It had to include all of the scars I carry.
I remember July 4, 2012 like it was yesterday. The day I met you. That morning I woke up from a dream crying. I dreamt I was a mother. I dreamt of a little blonde haired, blue eyed girl, holding me and whispering in my ear that she loved me. That was the day a seed was planted and I had an overwhelming desire to be a mother. Looking back on that dream, it was our baby girl holding me and whispering “I Love You”. God gave me that dream, I have no doubt.
Now she’s 4 years old, vivacious, full of life and creativity. She’s a part of you, but without you.
She doesn’t remember anything about you.
It’s like a whole other life I lived. A life that only I remember. It’s so surreal. Tonight I’m drowning in you. Drowning in your songs, drowning in your words, drowning in your pictures, drowning in you.
I know tomorrow will be better. It always is. But tonight I’ll let my scars bleed.
“Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go.” Joshua 1:9. This scripture gives me so much peace. God is with me on my good days and my bad days. He is with me on the days I get it right and the days I fall down and allow myself to feel the pain of your absence. He is my rock, my strength, my salvation.
Maybe tomorrow I’ll get it right.
I Trust my God, I Trust my God, I Trust my God.