Healing

Be A Truth Teller

Jesus Is Lord, Trusting God

“But our citizenship is in heaven, and from it we await a Savior, the Lord Jesus Christ, who will transform our lowly body to be like his glorious body, by the power that enables him even to subject all things to himself. Therefore, my brothers, whom I love and long for, my joy and crown, stand firm thus in the Lord, my beloved,” (Philippians 3:20-4:1 ESV).

In a world full of sinful delusions masked as “love,” be a Truth teller.

We are in a war for truth. As a redeemed believer and follower of Jesus Christ, we are commanded to speak the truth of His Holy Word and share the gospel—the literal Good News of Jesus SAVING people who fall short of the glory of God. Reality check—WE ALL fall short of His glory everyday of our lives, hence why we ALL need the Savior, Jesus Christ. (Romans 3:23)

My feelings can’t save me. My good deeds can’t save me. My “good person” status can’t save me. My mom can’t save me. The government can’t save me. My bank account can’t save me. My health can’t save me. My strong will can’t save me. My college education can’t save me. My husband can’t save me. My children can’t save me.

Jesus saves me.

In the Gospel of John, he records Jesus’ words, “… I am the way, and the truth, and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me,” (John 14:6 ESV).

Jesus is the way. Jesus is the truth. Jesus is the life.

End of the story.

Jesus is truth. He is the standard of truth. He is the standard of goodness. He is the standard of righteousness. He is the standard of holiness. Any other “truth” or standard is rubbish, foolish, and fades.

In other words of Jesus, He tells His disciples a truth that is overwhelmingly unpopular to the world. “…If anyone would come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross and follow me,” (Matthew 16:24 ESV).  

Deny himself. Ouch. We are living in a cowardly culture that has zero concept of what it means to deny fleshly appetites. One wakes up and feels a certain way—that then becomes their twisted version of truth and reality. It’s madness. It’s no less than the days of Sodom and Gomorrah.

Believer, what then should we do with all these delusions of reality that invoke such gross evil and attempts to smother the truth of Jesus and His Word?

We set like flint and follow after Jesus in every aspect of our lives. We take up our cross, daily. We armor ourselves with the Holy scriptures. We share the gospel. We do not grow weary of doing good. We persevere until the end, like so many of our brothers and sisters in Christ have done before us. We take up the torch of truth daily, shine it, and light others torches around us. We can’t sit down. We can’t slumber. We can’t silence.  

Like so many across our country, my heart is devasted over the senseless, evil, assassination of a brilliant, wise, TRUTH-telling, husband, father, and Brother-in-Christ, Charlie Kirk. He encouraged countless with the Word of God. He stood firm on Biblical principles. He boldly pointed others to the truth of Who Jesus is—Savior. He not only stood on Biblical principles but also stood for the United States Constitution and what our Founding Fathers built.

What a loss for our country.

But what rejoicing he is doing in Heaven at this very moment. He won.

He was taken down by the schemes of satan, but ultimately our sovereign and perfect God allowed it. Somehow, my God gets the glory, every time. Even when we can’t see it or do not understand it.

Jesus said, “For whoever would save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for my sake will find it,” (Matthew 16:25 ESV).

Are you willing to lose your life for the Truth of Jesus?

Martyrdom isn’t something our country faces daily. But what if it was? Is your following after Jesus whimsical and wavering? Or are the seeds of the Truths of Jesus and God’s Holy Word so richly planted in you, that without a doubt you would have His truth on your lips until your final breath, even if you’re threatened to stop speaking Jesus’ truth?

This is a wake-up call, Believer. I pray you seek God so intensely and have a holy conviction to be rooted in His Word that there is no second guessing your stance.

Believer, we must tell the truth of Jesus. Wherever the Lord has ordered you in this life—tell His truth. Whether it’s at your seemingly boring 8-5 job—tell His truth. Whether it’s a platform that garners the attention of thousands or millions—tell His truth. Whether it’s in your living room to the young hearts the Lord has entrusted to you during your time on earth—tell His truth.

What do we have to lose?

Our lives?

Not really.

In the words of the late John MacArthur, “All death can do to the believer is deliver him to Jesus.” Charlie Kirk has been reported to have spoken these same words. The beautiful irony.

As followers of Jesus, we should have this same boldness surrounding our thoughts of an earthly death. This boldness should stoke a fire so bright to LIVE for Christ and His glory.

Paul writes about this truth to the church at Philippi, “as it is my eager expectation and hope that I will not be at all ashamed, but that with full courage now as always Christ will be honored in my body whether by life or death. For me to live is Christ, and to die is gain,” (Philippians 1:20-21 ESV).

I challenge you, Believer, not to embody a mindset of flesh-fueled anger, but one of deep sorrow over the sin that is rampart around our nation and world. I pray it brings us to our knees. Do you realize that among these current scoffers of Jesus, there are some that are still yet to be called as Child of God? But, make no mistake, if they belong to Christ, He will get them. (John 10:14-16). What a beautiful thing that the Lord has graciously allowed us to be a part of… sharing the gospel of His Truth to help bring the lost to salvation and repentance.

I want to conclude with a beautiful exhortation written by Paul to the Church at Philippi that is still for the believer today,

“Not that I have already obtained this or am already perfect, but I press on to make it my own, because Christ Jesus has made me his own. Brothers, I do not consider that I have made it my own. But one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and straining forward to what lies ahead, I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus. Let those of us who are mature think this way, and if in anything you think otherwise, God will reveal that also to you. Only let us hold true to what we have attained. Brothers, join in imitating me, keep your eyes on those who walk according to the example you have in us. For many, of whom I have often told you and now tell you even with tears, walk as enemies of the cross of Christ. Their end is destruction, their god is their belly, and they glory in their shame, with minds set on earthly things. But our citizenship is in heaven, and from it we await a Savior, the Lord Jesus Christ, who will transform our lowly body to be like his glorious body, by the power that enables him even to subject all things to himself. Therefore, my brothers, whom I love and long for, my joy and crown, stand firm thus in the Lord, my beloved,” (Philippians 3:12-4:1 ESV).

Be a Truth teller until the end.

I Trust my God, I Trust my God, I Trust my God

Ardently His,

Jess

Promise Keeper

Sanctification, Trusting God

“For all the promises of God find their Yes in him…,” (2 Corinthians 1:20 ESV)

As the recent local rainstorms poured fervently, many grounds undertook more water than they could hold, resulting in flooded areas. Because of the rising waters, my mind was tempted to run to anxious thoughts. The insurgence of rain affected someone close to me as they cried watching the water enter their humble home. With this gut-wrenching phone call the temptation to run to anxious thoughts was no longer a temptation, but a full-blown affair with anxiety.

I’m a fixer. It’s difficult for me to hear someone’s woes and trials and not attempt to curate a solution to ease their pain and suffering. But sometimes we’re not called to “fix it.” What we are called to do at all times is to: rejoice always (1 Thessalonians 5:16), pray without ceasing (1 Thessalonians 5:17), give thanks in all circumstances (1 Thessalonians 5:18), rejoice in the Lord always (Philippians 4:4), do not be anxious about anything (Philippians 4:6), think on what is true, honorable, just, pure, lovely, commendable, excellent, and worthy of praise (Philippians 4:8), and to count it all joy when we meet trials of various kinds (James 1:2).

These biblical imperatives are not a means to bury our heads in the sand of real-life devastations and griefs. They do not give us a right of passage to judge our suffering and hurting brothers and sisters as they wrestle with the reality of a current fallen world-wreckage. We aren’t to mask the realness of ruins by painting a false narrative that a “blessed” Christian mirrors a rainbow and butterfly life because all you must do is name it and claim it. Insert eyeroll emoji. No. These biblical imperatives should charge us with a desire to nosedive into the depths of scripture. How can I rejoice always, pray without ceasing, give thanks in all circumstances, be anxious for nothing, think on truth, and count it all joy?

We can’t walk in these biblical orders apart from knowing the One Who makes any of these beautiful commands possible. Our holy and good God. The God of the Bible. The God of Genesis. The God of the Old Testament. The God of the Gospels. The God of the New Testament. The God of Revelation. My God is the same God as yesterday, today, and tomorrow.

What I learn and am reminded from scripture daily is that my God is a Promise Keeper.

As the waters rose from multiple days of rain and anxiousness drove its way to the center of my heart, my gracious God led me to truth as He displayed His beautiful bow in the sky radiating candescent colors. My anxiousness didn’t stand a chance against the rainbow invading my God’s skies. His promise to Noah from long ago still stands today.

“I establish my covenant with you, that never again shall all flesh be cut off by the waters of the flood, and never again shall there be a flood to destroy the earth.” And God said, “This is the sign of the covenant that I make between me and you and every living creature that is with you, for all future generations: I have set a bow in the cloud, and it shall be a sign of the covenant between me and the earth,” (Genesis 9:11-13 ESV).

During these recent days of rain, it’s not that I feared God was going to lapse in memory of His covenant with Noah—His promise to never flood the earth again, but anxious thoughts of water damage, road closures, and potential wrecks invaded so swiftly. It pains and convicts me that I fall for this trickery of the enemy all too often. These fallings to anxious thoughts affect my reactions to life’s circumstances in a way that is not honoring to my Lord and doesn’t uphold His directions in scripture. It bears rotting fruit of not trusting Him. It reflects a heart that doesn’t reverence His title as Promise Keeper.

It’s with protruding pride that I forget the Promise Keeper title of my Lord. But His bow after the rains reminds me of this truth that will stand until His day of judgment comes to pass. I pray the assurance the rainbow represents mortifies my pride every time my God orders it to shine across His skies.

My God promises many things to His children all through scripture. His promises are fulfilled and without error. Because He is the Promise Keeper, that makes Him trustworthy. When His trustworthiness takes root in our hearts our desire to submit under His beautiful authority should grow without ceasing.

Even when.

Even when our lives are held to the flames. Even when relationships experience division. Even when we’re burying a loved one. Even when the rising waters surround.

Even when.

He is still the Promise Keeper.

Our circumstances change. Sin still tempts. Homes deteriorate. Bodies grow old. Minds forget. But God never-changes and He never breaks His promises to His children. He seals His child for salvation, justifies them, sanctifies them, and glorifies them. God will continuously draw His child close to Himself resulting in continual and life-changing repentance. No matter the outer circumstance, He is committed to His glory by changing us from the inside out with His wonderful beautification process that renders our flesh to pain from time to time.

When we recognize the Lord as Promise Keeper it becomes easier to look past mere earthly circumstances and look to Him. He is outside of our circumstances, yet He is right there with us in our circumstances. He is near to His child. In His forever nearness He continuously gives good gifts to His child. His good gifts are not limited to earthly provisions but aligns with His boundless riches in glory in Jesus Christ. Our Promise Keeper’s oaths are saturated in the heavenly kind. We cannot fathom what He has waiting for us in eternal glory.

My God is:

Promise Keeper, (Hebrews 10:23)

Faithful Father, (Deuteronomy 1:29-31)

Sovereign Salvation, (Jonah 2:9)

Kind King, (Psalm 145:8-9)

Magnificent Maker, (Psalm 104)

Glorious God, (Psalm 19:1)

Loyal Lord, (Deuteronomy 7:9)

Joyous Jehovah, (Zephaniah 3:17)

Radiant Rabbi, (Hebrews 1:3)

Peaceful Prince, (Isaiah 9:6)

Holy Hosanna, (Psalm 22:3-5)

Devoted Deliverer, (Psalm 40:17)

I encourage you to take the time to look up each of these scriptures and commit to continue to grow in knowing more of Who God is through His wonderful Word.  

Here are some of my favorite assurances etched in scripture that my holy God is bound to as Promise Keeper:

“And my God will supply every need of yours according to his riches in glory in Christ Jesus,” (Philippians 4:19 ESV).

“Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand,” (Isaiah 41:10 ESV).

“He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away,” (Revelation 21:4 ESV).

“For all the promises of God find their Yes in him. That is why it is through him that we utter our Amen to God for his glory,” (2 Corinthians 1:20 ESV).

I Trust my God, I Trust my God, I Trust my God

Ardently His,

Jess Dennis

If I Only…

Sanctification, Trusting God

“You will seek me and find me, when you seek me with all your heart, I will be found by you, declares the LORD…” Jeremiah 29:13-14

If I only…can just get my workout completed before 7 a.m., I’ll be sure to have a productive day. If I only…can just get my Bible reading completed before I make my coffee, I’ll feel like I can enjoy my cup of coffee. If I only…can just get school completed with Abby for the day, I’ll feel like a good mom. If I only…can just get all of the laundry washed, dried and put away, my mind will be more freed up. If I only…can just get the floors swept and mopped, I’ll feel more accomplished. If I only…can just get the next chapter started on my writing project, I’ll feel like I’m doing something productive. If I only…can just get everything checked off my to-do list before everyone else gets home, I’ll feel better about myself. If I only…can just get dinner going, I’ll feel like I’m serving my family well. If I only…can just get the kitchen cleaned up, I’ll finally feel like I deserve to rest.

Task-oriented, list-checker, tight schedule-keeper… these are just a few ways I’m sure my family would describe my compulsion and desire to be productive and efficient. Though I’ve pretty much always been this way, I thought when I left my career in the middle of 2022, I would leave my notepads of lists in my desk drawer. I thought I’d begin a new chapter of life that didn’t include daily struggling with my over-working brain that is never satisfied or happy until every.single.thing.is.done.

But, the reality is… every single thing will never be done. I’m home all day, homeschooling my girl, working in ministry, co-teaching a weekly CO-OP class, taxi-driving my teens around, cooking for my family, keeping my home clean and inviting. And yet, daily I find myself seeking a meaningless relief and self-satisfaction by checking off my never-ending list of to-do’s.

Some days I get to the bottom of the list. I strategized all day, and never truly enjoyed any of it, just to get every box checked. Guess what? It still wasn’t enough. I still wasn’t satisfied. I still felt I could have produced more, “I should have added to the list,” I’ll silently tell myself. It can truly be madness.

Can you relate?

More recently I’ve realized how deep these notions of time-keeping and list-checking run. They’ve become mental idols. I’m consumed with them. I have a deeply rooted fear of appearing lazy to my family because I’m home now, so I never want to sit down until all of the laundry is completed, all of the meal is cooked, all of the mess is cleaned, and all the things in the house are perfect…. So I basically never sit down. Because I’m reaching for something that doesn’t exist. I’m exhausted. Mentally, emotionally, spiritually, physically…exhausted.

If I only….

I want to be more like the women in the Bible who struggled for twelve years with a discharge of blood. I’ll pass on her physical ailment, but I want more of her heart set on Christ.

“For she said to herself, “If I only touch his garment, I will be made well” (Matthew 9:21 ESV).

Her eyes were set on Christ as her healer.

We’re the same, she and I. She needed something that only Christ could offer her. I need something that only Christ can offer me. Though hers was a physical illness that ailed her for over a decade, deeming her unclean for society—she knew she had to get to this man named Jesus. “If I only touch his garment…” She knew where the ultimate and true source of healing was…Jesus.

Don’t I know this, too? Why then do I not slow down, stop everything, put my notepad of lists away, and have the heart posture of… “If I only touch his garment…” And, I have something this woman didn’t have…she no doubt had to travel and weave her way through crowds surrounding the Messiah to draw near to Him. But, He’s already near to me. He lives on the inside of me! Because of His death on the cross by taking the wrath that you and I deserve from our Holy God because of sin, His burial, His glorious resurrection, and His ascension to heaven, He left us a gift… the gift of the Holy Spirit that comes and dwells inside of the believer! He is near, He is always near.  

Our perfect God left a beautiful promise to Jeremiah, “Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will hear you. You will seek me and find me, when you seek me with all your heart. I will be found by you, declares the LORD…” (Jeremiah 29:12-14 ESV).

This promise is for the believer today, too.

If I seek Him with all my heart, He promises to be found. Though, I know I’m sealed for salvation, I never want to stop seeking my God, I never want to take a break in getting to know my God, I never want to halt falling deeper in love with my God, and I never want to cease trusting my God.

“…If I only touch his garment, I will be made well.” Jesus turned, and seeing her he said, “Take heart daughter; your faith has made you well.” And instantly the woman was made well” (Matthew 9:21-22 ESV).

My God has made me well by the gift of His salvation and the grace He continues to pour out on me. He never stops drawing me deeper into sanctification, making me more holy like Him. He even pursues me in the midst of my meaningless battles of attempting to control the day by lists. He is near, He is always near.

Next time I write a to do list, I vow to begin with, “If I only touch his garment…” meaning if all I do is abide in Him, walk in step with His Holy Spirit, and I don’t mark anything else of my self-gratifying list…I will have been made well…

I Trust my God, I Trust my God, I Trust my God

Ardently His,

Jess

2024 Reflection

Sanctification, Trusting God

“But when one turns to the Lord, the veil is removed. Now the Lord is the Spirit, and where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom. And we all, with unveiled face, beholding the glory of the Lord, are being transformed into the same image from one degree of glory to another. For this comes from the Lord who is the Spirit” (2 Corinthians 3:16-18, ESV)

The end of a year and the beginning of a new—It’s as if most of us have “reflection time” marked on our calendars on these end of the year days leading to what we all hope to be a fresh start as a new year dawns, forcing our brains to overpower our hand as we begin the task of writing the numbers of a new year. My mental make-up is one of constant reflection. I feel blessed to have a desire for consistent growth, crushing goals of all kinds, and being in competition with my best competitor—myself. It’s no surprise that reflection time saturates my mind even more on these last days of the year. So reflection time it is.

As a Christ follower—my reflection is centered on my growth and walk toward Christ’s image in all the details of my life.

In reflection of this year, words like; order, acceptance, surrender, obedience, love, and joy invade my mind. My flesh has experienced a slaying to an extent I had not yet experienced, reaching deeply to matters of the heart. My God has orchestrated my life in such a way that His order has been despised in the trenches of warring with my flesh. But my God didn’t leave me there in the trenches, resenting where He ordered me. No, no, not my good Father, who loves, claims, and corrects. And for that, my soul soars in absolute praise to My God. My God in whom my flesh wars to steal His glory in my life, but because of the work of my Savior at the cross and the continued work of the Holy Spirit inside of me, I am engulfed with strength to endure and persevere.

“For you have need of endurance, so that when you have done the will of God you may receive what is promised. For, “Yet a little while, and the coming one will come and will not delay; but my righteous one shall live by faith, and if he shrinks back, my soul has no pleasure in him.” But we are not of those who shrink back and are destroyed, but those who have faith and preserve their souls” (Hebrews 10:36-39).

There was a season not long ago, I screamed in anger and anguish at so many uncontrollable things happening in my daily life. The hatred and contempt from another my life was experiencing was enough for me to want to flee. I wanted to run. I wanted to hide. I wanted to escape. I wanted to un-commit to what I committed to. I wanted to fashion my flesh in a sweater of self-pity. I wanted to parade my pride in the streets rather than punish it. My reactions to this internal trial were ones of voicing my rendered anger that teetered toward hatred. But wait, I’m a Christian. Shouldn’t I react in love? Shouldn’t I react in righteousness? Shouldn’t I be ready to obey the words I claim I’d die for? But here was my opportunity to die to myself and to live in the way my God instructs and I was choosing to drop my sword of the spirit and pick up my pride and hold it all too close. Comforting it with the milk this fatal world offers. Have you been there? My sister-in-Christ, we don’t have to stay there. We don’t! Christ took this with Him to His death on the wooden cross for all who were established as children of God before the foundations of the world. As Christ-followers we are no longer bound to sin, nor are we controlled by our flesh.

“There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus. For the law of the Spirit of life has set you free in Christ Jesus from the law of sin and death. For God has done what the law, weakened by the flesh, could not do. By sending his own Son in the likeness of sinful flesh and for sin, he condemned sin in the flesh, in order that the righteous requirement of the law might be fulfilled in us, who walk not according to the flesh but according to the Spirit” (Romans 8:1-4).

During this deep and dark internal battle sparked from an external circumstance, my sweet husband—full of the love and wisdom of the Lord—asked me something that awakened truth inside of me to new heights. “Is God sovereign? Or is He not? Is God good? Or is He not?” In my self-centered, pride-adorning, flesh-flexing, temper-tantrum, I shuddered at his question. He rose up to defend a sovereign, good, righteous, loving God, while I melted in a whirlwind of immature selfishness. Can I just take a second and praise my God for allowing me to do life with a man who stands on these truths in love and gentleness, but with a boldness only empowered by the Holy Spirit!

I go back to this moment often. It has been a pivotal mark in this specific sanctification journey. Of course my God is sovereign! Of course my God is good! Just because we don’t understand something or are being wronged by another, doesn’t mean our God isn’t sovereignly in control and continually expressing His goodness through each and every ordered circumstance our lives experience. Okay, so this light-bulb moment set me on a journey of accepting what my God had ordered for my life in this season. But it wasn’t enough to just accept a circumstance that I couldn’t control. I had to surrender to the sanctification journey my God prepared for me.

With the daily surrender to let go of what my flesh craved came the hard work of obedience in daily details and matters of the heart. But, not an un-biblical, righteous, pharisaical, fulfilling of rules or laws to “stay saved” kind of obedience—no, no, it went much deeper. My spirit was awakened to the beauty of obedience and the joy that erupts in our souls from walking in obedience to our sovereign and Holy God.

“For this is the love of God, that we keep his commandments. And his commandments are not burdensome. For everyone who has been born of God overcomes the world. And this is the victory that has overcome the world—our faith. Who is it that overcomes the world except the one who believes that Jesus is the Son of God?” (1 John 5:3-5).

My God loves me—though there is nothing lovable about me accept Christ’s atoning work at the cross—Because of God’s love and mercy abounding in my life, I want to honor Him. I want to please Him with my life. This brings forth an out of this world understanding of God’s love, followed by a radiating joy that is only culminated with a genuine relationship with Jesus.

This year I began pursuing the joy of my salvation again. Though the joy was never taken away—I just stopped relishing in it. I stopped meditating on the truth of my eternal status. I stopped holding it close and centering the gospel in my every-second-of-the-day moments. I experienced a renewed love flourishing in my soul that only comes from obeying the Word of God and delighting in Biblical truth.

The hidden sin, the wrong motives, and the matters of the heart that the Holy Spirit revealed to me through meditating on God’s Word this year have become treasures that have nursed my hurting soul and crushed spirit. These jewels of truth have slain my perfectionist tendencies. These gems laced in glory have demolished the handcuffs I’ve strutted for years. My God is worthy of EVERY area of my life. My God is worthy of EVERY area of my mind. My God is worthy of EVERY area of my heart. Not just the crumbs of what I sinfully give Him at times…just enough to ‘look’ the part. I am nothing without my sweet Savior. His merciful and continued correction marks the believer with His love.

“My son, do not despise the LORD’S discipline or be weary of his reproof, for the LORD reproves him whom he loves, as a father the son in whom he delights” (Proverbs 3:11-12).

I want to encourage you to have a 2024 reflection time if you haven’t already. Ponder the matters of the heart. Those deep places where wrong motives root, deceit rises, jealousy grows, sinful thoughts fester, and miniscule manipulations come to life. Those secret places that no one knows about, except you and our Holy God, are still to be put to death with the help from the Holy Spirit.   

My prayer for you and I—is that right now and as we enter into a new year—we have a hunger for God’s Word like we’ve never experienced before. Lord, I pray you give us an unearthly craving to be sanctified and stand firm against every detail of sin in our lives. Lord, help us not to be satisfied in conversations that reek of gossip and slanderous speech. I pray Lord, that You make us detest every utterance of complaints that leaves our lips. Give us a great yearning to chase after holiness in every area of our lives. Father, God, I pray You give us a longing to honor You and this longing takes precedence over any other New Year’s goals we may have. Encourage us with Your Holy Spirit as we are being transformed into the image of Your Son, Jesus. Help us to find a never-ending joy in the eternal salvation You’ve gifted us with through Jesus’ sacrifice. Lord I pray you embed a deep desire in us to spread the gospel to all who will listen. May we continually find profound hope in the waiting for Your second coming our Lord and Savior, in Jesus Name. Amen.

I Trust my God, I Trust my God, I Trust my God.

Ardently His,

Jess Dennis

Somewhere Between Answered Prayers & Internal Wars

Sanctification, Trusting God

“I have been crucified with Christ. It is no longer I who live, but Christ who lives in me. And the life I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me.”

(Galatians 2:20)

Though, I’ve all but patented the words…I Trust my God…I haven’t lately…trusted my God. In fact, I’ve been plagued with worry, anxiousness, and self-consumed with what I want in this momentary life. I’ve tainted my answered prayers…the prayers nesting and manifesting all around me. My current state can become distorted and lost somewhere between the myth of a rainbow and butterfly life and the reality of a life filled with dying to self, pushing me in the trenches of my sanctification journey—cutting and burning my sin, self-centeredness, and worldly desires—leaving more purified places that took a lot of pain to reflect my Jesus even just a little bit. Then in my weakness and self-centeredness I find myself picking up the cut and burned pieces of darkness and my flesh aches and I want to put the pieces back into their familiar places.

But they don’t quite fit anymore.

And I’m sad, and I’m thankful at the same time. My flesh craves those pieces back where they’ve camped for years. But my spirit knows they don’t belong there anymore. And it’s a war, a never-ending war on this side of glory. Battles come and battles go. Victories are celebrated with praises to My Lord for strengthening me for my journey. But battles are lost too. At the end of some days I am met with defeat, exhaustion, tears, and fear of the unknown.

I don’t want to give up some things in the way I know the Lord is calling me to do.  

I.don’t.want.to. 

But I know I have to. 

I crave to be understood by those around me. I crave to be different. I crave to be more Christ-like in all circumstances. And I fail, over, and over, again. I fail. 

But God.

You know Who doesn’t fail? My God.

And He’s doing something. He’s so personal, He’s so near. The Creator of the universe is doing something in me. He’s working and rearranging all of the things that don’t align with His truth, His Word, His goodness. And it hurts. It’s as if a limb is being dismembered. I don’t care if that queues the dramatics curtain. It hurts. The cutting, the burning, the dismembering of a sin nature so masked that it didn’t even feel like sin until it’s exposed and held to the light of truth illuminated through God’s Holy Word. 

It hurts. I hurt. And it’s time to say goodbye to things I’ve held so close, idolized, and found temporal peace in for far too long. 

My time.

An uninterrupted schedule. 

A life of order.

A perfect home.

A surface reaching peace. 

A facade of control.

Cut it off. Burn it to pieces. Dismember it. 

Whatever it is the Holy Spirit is leading you to kill, stop fighting it. Surrender. Draw your sword and slay it with help from the Holy Spirit.

As Christ followers our individual journey is different—but has one goal—to reflect the image of Jesus. The moral standard of right and wrong and revelation of “big” sins should be blindingly clear—but sin and darkness comes in many forms—All-consuming, reeking of death, but also slow and subtle. Sin can sneak in and disguises itself as good and peaceful, but slowly becomes poison that screams to be poured first as our day begins. 

What is your slow and subtle poison? What is creeping to the center of your worship?

Or, maybe it’s just me struggling to lay aside these subtle—unknowing to anyone else sins—that are stealing my joy, peace, and creating a false reality of a life that doesn’t exist.

In Romans chapter 7, the apostle Paul writes about being freed from the law through Christ.

“…You also have died to the law through the body of Christ, so that you may belong to another, to him who has been raised from the dead, in order that we may bear fruit for God. For while we were living in the flesh, our sinful passions, aroused by the law, were at work in our members to bear fruit for death. But now we are released from the law, having died to that which held us captive, so that we serve in the new way of the Spirit and not in the old way of the writing code.

What then shall we say? That the law is sin? By no means! Yet if it had not been for the law, I would not have known sin. For I would not have known what it is to covet if the law had not said, “You shall not covet.” But sin, seizing an opportunity through the commandment, produced in me all kinds of covetousness. For apart from the law, sin lies dead. I was once alive apart from the law, but when the commandment came, sin came alive and I died. The very commandment that promised life proved to be death to me. For sin, seizing an opportunity through the commandment, deceived me and through it killed me. So the law is holy, and the commandment is holy and righteous and good” (Romans 7:4-12 ESV).

I’ve read this passage dozens of times through the years. But in the more recent years, these words have come to life to me. Paul describes the war of flesh and spirit so perfectly. Though we are freed from the law of just following these religious rules—the law is necessary, but apart from Christ the law leads to death.

Have you ever found yourself in a season of knowing all the right answers, knowing all the right Bible verses to turn to, but yet the discipline of surrendering to the Holy Spirit is left dusty on the top shelf?

Paul continues with, “Did that which is good, then, bring death to me? By no means! It was sin, producing death in me through what is good, in order that sin might be shown to be sin, and through the commandment might become sinful beyond measure. For we know that the law is spiritual, but I am flesh, sold under sin. For I do not understand my own actions. For I do not do what I want, but I do the very thing I hate. Now if I do what I do not want, I agree with the law, that is good. So now it is no longer I who do it, but sin that dwells within me. For I know that nothing good dwells in me, that is, in my flesh. For I have the desire to do what is right, but not the ability to carry it out. For I do not do the good I want, but the evil I do not want is what I keep on doing. Now if I do what I do not want, it is no longer I who do it, but sin that dwells within me” (Romans 7:13-20 ESV).

When we are in Christ—sin in our lives will be revealed to us, even sins that are masked with good intentions, but are still a form of idolatry since we’re seeking peace from those things rather than our Lord and Savior.

It hurts our flesh and natural depraved nature knowing we have to lay these sins down over and over daily until our final day on this earth. But, what a gift the Lord has given us as one who He has mercifully gifted salvation to—the gift of Himself. We know through God’s Word that He won’t abandon, forsake, tire of, push aside, or leave us to fight our fleshly battles alone. NO! His Word PROMISES Himself to the believer in Jesus Christ.

In Deuteronomy 31:18, Moses summons Joshua and says, “It is the LORD who goes before you. He will be with you; he will not leave you or forsake you. Do not fear or be dismayed.” Then in verse 23 of the same chapter, the Lord Himself commissions Joshua saying, “Be strong and courageous, for you shall bring the people of Israel into the land that I swore to give them. I will be with you.”

The Psalmist pens in Psalm 9:10, “And those who know your name put their trust in you, for you, O Lord, have not forsaken those who seek you.”

I don’t want to covet, idolize, or submit to my own comforts in my daily life any longer. I want what my God wants for my life—which is to look more and more like my Jesus. Regardless of the pain it causes my flesh. The pain won’t matter in eternity. The obsessiveness with time, perfection of space, and resentfulness of chaotic schedules won’t matter.

…And if those things won’t matter in eternity, why should they consume me now?

Rather, I want to be consumed with God’s Word. I want to be consumed in growing in knowledge of the holiness and goodness of God. I want to be consumed with God’s love and learning to love others with the love of Christ.

No matter the battles we face in this fallen world, no matter the difficulty we endure from the daily slaying of our flesh, no matter the deep submission to sufferings beyond our control in this momentary life… no matter… God is with us until the end…and for eternity… Emmanuel.

I Trust my God, I Trust my God, I Trust my God.

Ardently His,

Jess Dennis

Let the Plate Pass

Forgiveness

“…It’s ok to let the plate pass.” As I sat in the familiar pew, eyes closed, head bowed, listening to my Pastor’s prayer before our time of communion, my heart throbbed with conviction at his honest and truth-filled guidance. He was instructing our body of believers on when to break this bread, partaking in the Lord’s Supper, and when to let the plate pass. His biblical guidance stood firm on having a moment of true reflection. (1 Cor. 11:27-32)

Waking up that morning, I would have shallowly reflected and silently responded something resembling, “I’m fine, everything’s fine.” But in my reflection sitting in the pew, hearing my Pastor’s words, I knew I wasn’t fine. Not really.

So, I let the plate pass.

You see, there’s this thing that gnaws at my mind. There’s this situation that weighs heavy on my spirit. There’s this person who has spewed much unwarranted hatred my way. There’s these choices another is making in their darkened state that directly affects my everyday life and plans. It fuels my flesh to feelings of unjustness, anger, resentment, and confusion. These feelings have led to a valley of un-forgiveness.

As a Christ-follower, Bible-reading, praying-woman, I’ve known there’s been work to do in this area. I have brought all of this before the Lord. Many times. But then something else unjust happens surrounding this situation, and I pick it all back up. All of it. Every last crumb I lay at my Saviors feet, I pick back up and store it safely in my valley of un-forgiveness. My valley of crumbs is getting full enough to feed an army. I feel trapped in this—let’s be honest—self-made valley of un-forgiveness, that is now poisoning my soul toward resentment of many things. The valley is no longer a remnant of my sloppy, immature, harboring crumbs of un-forgiveness. It has now become a dangerous valley with a poisonous reservoir of resentment running through it.

As a Christ follower it is not ok to settle into a reservoir of resentment, ruminating over the offense and justifying not forgiving this day.

Allowing a situation or another person the power over you to withhold forgiveness for them is; foolish, unbiblical, hypocritical, selfish, and disrespectful to Jesus—the bearer of all that should be deemed as unforgivable.

As Christ-follower’s when we find ourselves in a season of warring with our flesh and choosing to withhold true, bondage breaking, soul healing, forgiveness to another—over and over again if need be— we truly are only putting ourselves through more suffering.

Imagine you have a pair of handcuffs. You have the key to the cuffs. But, when we choose to harbor those crumbs of offenses, store them in the valley of un-forgiveness, while basking in the reservoir of resentment, it’s as if we are willingly handcuffing ourselves, then giving the key to the person we’re warring within our spirit to forgive, allowing them the power to unleash us from bondage.

Imagine we’re crowned with jewels representing God’s peace and joy He chose to leave His people through His Son, Jesus. But then we find ourselves bound with un-forgiveness and resentment. We may be in a season of forsaking the surrendering daily to Christ’s commands regarding this. So, when are not intentionally working toward a forgiving status, and find ourselves bound with un-forgiveness and resentment, so much so, that we can no longer wear our jewels of joy and peace. So we willfully take these beautiful, blood-shed, worthy gifts of jewels representing God’s peace and joy and throw them into a muddied pit of pigs. Then walk around in a confused, overcast, solemn manner, hoping and wishing for peace and joy from our darkened state. But, wait… don’t I have the gifts of joy and peace through Jesus?? Why do I keep throwing them to the dirty pigs?? Why do I keep giving away the key to un-cuff from this self-made bondage??

The apostle Paul does not sugarcoat his Holy Spirit guided instructions on forgiveness to the churches of Ephesus and Colossae. “Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice. Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you” (Ephesians 4:31-32 ESV).  “Put on then, as God’s chosen ones, holy and beloved, compassionate hearts, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience, bearing with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other, as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive” (Colossians 3:12-13 ESV). 

I’ve been foolish, I’ve had an unbiblical perspective of my situation, I’ve reeked of hypocrisy, I have displayed selfishness, and I have disrespected my Savior who died for all of the unforgivable things I’ve done and will do in the future. Who am I to withhold forgiveness in my heart toward another?

My God in His sovereignty ordered my feet to this place. What my miniscule flesh-fueled view chose to caption as unjust and foolishly unforgivable—My God sees and marks as a gift rendering me deeper into my journey of sanctification and dependency on His strength, His peace, His joy. Wow! With that perspective and heart stance, I know my God loves me! He loves me so much, He has aligned my life with so many situations that make little time for selfish gain, planning my days my way, and gratifying my flesh to death. What a glorious savior I serve that in my darkened depravity—He marked me with love and set me on a journey of sanctifying my soul, bringing me through trials and seasons of grief, long days and emotional suffering, all to reflect more and more the image of His perfect, blameless, sinless, Son, my Savior—Jesus Christ.

My God loves me.

Sometimes it’s ok to let the plate pass. The Lord’s conviction and correction displays His boundless love for us.

“My son, do not despise the LORD’s discipline or be weary of his reproof, for the LORD reproves him whom he loves, as a father the son in who he delights” (Proverbs 3:11-12 ESV).

I Trust my God, I Trust my God, I Trust my God.

Momma, How Did Daddy Cody Go To Heaven?

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“Momma, can I ask you a question?” I heard my five-year-old say. I closed my eyes and patiently replied, “yes.” This had to have been the 27th question in the last ten minutes.

“Okay, momma, can you turn the music off and come sit with me.” Her tone changed. I put my makeup brush down, paused my worship playlist on my phone and turned my attention to my daughter who sat on the bathroom floor drawing. (disclaimer—she likes to be right next to me in the mornings getting ready for school and work, so I let her draw or color on the bathroom floor while I get ready.) Her eyes were curious. She pointed to the small area in front of her, silently asking me to sit with her again. I sat.

“Momma, how did my Daddy Cody go to heaven?”

Silence.

I had known this was coming. I had been preparing myself for this conversation for about two years. Heaven is not a new topic for us. She knows Heaven is our forever home. She’s asked many questions about her Daddy Cody who went to Heaven when she was 8-months old. She understands he’s not here and he is in Heaven with Jesus. But she hadn’t put together that there has to be a physical aspect of dying to get to Heaven.

I hesitated. She’s five. I don’t want to tell her too much. But I want to tell her truth. I asked what exactly she meant? “What happened for him to go to Heaven?” she repeated. “Jesus just came down and got him, and poof, he’s gone?” she questioned.

I almost giggled at her detailed analysis. “Didn’t something happen to him for him not to be here?” she asked again.

“Yes,” I replied. “Do you think you’re ready for this conversation?” She immediately nodded her head, yes.

As tears formed in my eyes, I grabbed her hand and asked the Holy Spirit for help before beginning the toughest conversation of her five years.

“Daddy Cody went fishing one night on the lake we lived on. We had a small boat he would use when he went fishing. He texted me to let me know he was almost done and going to be headed in soon. Momma fell asleep with you and woke up hours later and he wasn’t in bed. So, I got up and went through the house. No sign of him. I started calling and texting him. No response. I went out to the pier with a flashlight, and I couldn’t see or hear anything. Momma didn’t really know what to do so I decided to wait until morning, so I could see better. I thought he went to a friends house around the lake and maybe his phone ran out of battery.” I paused. “What happened next, mommy?” she asked.  

I took a deep breath and began again, “I waited until morning, and when I still couldn’t see anything, I called a neighbor and they got on boats and went across the lake. When they returned with no news, I called 911 for help. They sent someone called a Game Warden with a big boat and equipment that can see under water to scan the lake. The boat looked all day, but they couldn’t find him.”

“Where did he go, what happened to him?” she asked. “We didn’t know exactly what happened,” I responded. “The Game Warden looked for 5 days before they found daddy in the water.”

“Five days, that’s a long time!” she exclaimed. “Yes, baby it is.”

“But what happened to him for him to go to Heaven?” she asked.

I replied, “Daddy somehow tipped the boat and went under the cold water and couldn’t get out.”

She leaned over and brushed the tears off my face. “But daddy trusted God, so he went to Heaven?” she stated.

“Yes, baby, daddy trusted God, so he is in Heaven now.”

Her curiosity continued as she asked, “But what happens when someone has no more days left on earth and they didn’t trust God?”

With this question I was able to explain that as real as Heaven is-so is a place called hell, and how our enemy, the devil schemes to turn people away from Jesus.

“Mommy, I’m going to trust God all of my life so I can go to Heaven one day too! And Daddy Cody will be there to hug me!” she said.

It’s conversations like these that plunge the reality of life and death, and heaven and hell to the forefront of my mind. How am I living my life? Am I using every aspect of my life to glorify my Creator? On the really hard days I daydream of Heaven. I wonder about the glorious colors I’ve never seen before, the beautiful worship I’ve never heard before. I daydream about being face to face with Jesus. The absolute peace and all-consuming joy it would be. And then I remember Cody is there. I remember his beautiful worship on earth- I can’t wait to see him worship in Heaven. The sadness of the loss, the trauma of the loss dissipates a little more with each thought and wonder of Heaven.

This is not my eternal home.

Heaven is.

Jesus tells us in John 14, “Let not your hearts be troubled. Believe in God; believe also in me. In my Father’s house are many rooms. If it were not so, would I have told you that I go to prepare a place for you? And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come again and will take you to myself, that where I am you may be also. And you know the way to where I am going.” Thomas said to him, “Lord, we do not know where you are going. How can we know the way?” Jesus said to him, “I am the way, and the truth, and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me. If you had known me, you would have known my Father also. From now on you do know him and have seen him.” (1-7)

Do you ever think about Heaven? I mean really think about Heaven? Think of the most breathtaking landscape you’ve seen on earth and multiply that by infinity and I guarantee it doesn’t come close to the beauty in Heaven. Imagine your most healthy, productive, joy filled and peaceful day and multiply that by infinity and I wonder if that compares to our heavenly bodies and minds. I can’t fathom. But it excites me knowing there is so much more than the brokenness of this current life.

Peter states in 1 Peter 1:3-9, “Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ! According to his great mercy, he has caused us to be born again to a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead, to an inheritance that is imperishable, undefiled, and unfading, kept in heaven for you, who by God’s power are being guarded through faith for a salvation ready to be revealed in the last time. In this you rejoice, though now for a little while, if necessary, you have been grieved by various trials, so that the tested genuineness of your faith—more precious than gold that perishes though it is tested by fire—may be found to result in praise and glory and honor at the revelation of Jesus Christ. Though you have not seen him, you love him. Though you do not now see him, you believe in him and rejoice with joy that is inexpressible and filled with glory, obtaining the outcome of your faith, the salvation of your souls.”

Nothing can tarnish or extinguish the secure inheritance we have reserved in Heaven with Christ as our Lord and when we recognize Him as the One who took on death, to give us eternal life. Our faith is purified through our earthly trials. I pray your faith finds no falter through your present sufferings. I pray your mind stays eternally focused, knowing this life is a blink of an eye compared to eternity.

Paul writes in Colossians 3:1-3, “If then you have been raised with Christ, seek the things that are above, where Christ is, seated at the right hand of God. Set your minds on things that are above, not on things that are on earth. For you have died, and your life is hidden with Christ in God. When Christ who is your life appears, then you also will appear with him in glory.”

I’ve learned so much through loss. The Lord has revealed more of Himself to me during my darkest moments. When tough conversations or grief moments arise I’ll keeping choosing to set my mind on Heaven and the glory that waits. I choose to see life over death.

Happy 5 years in the Heavens, Cody Lusk. I’m thankful for you, and the life we created. You will forever be in my heart. 1.14.2017

I Trust my God, I Trust my God, I Trust my God.

When Your Scars Bleed

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If grief were a person…. It’d be you.

Grief would be handsome.

Grief would be strong.

Grief would be full of life.

Grief would be you.

Some days when your memory is just too strong I jump in my red SUV and drive. Then I drive some more. Sometimes I blast Worship music and sing to the Heavens that is now your home. But sometimes I listen to our songs. Sometimes I listen to bad rap music and I force myself to let the anger out. Sometimes I just drive and cry. Today was one of those days. I could feel you in the passenger seat. I could feel your presence. Your overwhelming, undeniable, all-consuming presence. I wanted so badly to reach out and touch your face. To feel your strong hands and arms around me. But then I force myself to shake away the thoughts that will inevitably send me into a dark spiral of emotions.

It’s been 3.5 years. Yet some days it feels like yesterday. Every time I feel strong and steady in my new life I’m knocked down with triggers of you, us, our life, the good and bad. It is literally all consuming. I still… after 3.5 years wake up looking for you… reaching for you. Sometimes I wear your deodorant to bed just to smell you near. That is so weird, I know, I know. But loss and grief make you do weird things.

I’ve grown a lot these last 3 years. I wonder if you’d even recognize the woman I am. Almost every big decision I’ve made since you’ve been gone, I see your face. I wonder if you’d be proud. I wonder so many things. I wonder when I will be able to let you go. I wonder when your memory will fade so much so that I can truly allow someone else in. I wonder. I wonder so many things.

I feel selfish. I see other’s lives move on. Marriages, babies, family vacations, and in some ways I feel so stuck in the past. I know where my mind goes isn’t healthy at times. But this journey is just that- a journey. Some days I get it right and I’m strong and can inspire others to be strong during life’s tragedies. But then there are the days I’m crumbling inside. The days I take out my grief box and I delve in. “Missing you comes in waves, and tonight I’m drowning”. Some days I have to allow myself to drown in you.

My scars are bleeding. My heart is throbbing with pain and love. My mind is jumbled with confusion and frustration, anger, but acceptance. Grief is literally a million emotions and thoughts mangled together. It changes you. Sometimes I’m thankful for the change. Other times I hate who I’ve become because I’ve forced myself to be cold and uncaring.

Tonight I’m drowning. Tonight my scars are bleeding.

I know I’ll see you again. But I want “again” to be right now. I want to hit your chest with my small fists. I want to run into your strong arms. I want to scream into your ears. I just simply want you. I want to go back in time and change so many things. All we needed was a little more time to get things right. I could see us flourishing. But we ended too soon and I will never understand that part. But I have to force myself to choose every day to accept it.

I know God has an amazing plan for my life. A plan that somehow had to include all of this. It had to include all of the scars I carry.

I remember July 4, 2012 like it was yesterday. The day I met you. That morning I woke up from a dream crying. I dreamt I was a mother. I dreamt of a little blonde haired, blue eyed girl, holding me and whispering in my ear that she loved me. That was the day a seed was planted and I had an overwhelming desire to be a mother. Looking back on that dream, it was our baby girl holding me and whispering “I Love You”. God gave me that dream, I have no doubt.

Now she’s 4 years old, vivacious, full of life and creativity. She’s a part of you, but without you.

She doesn’t remember anything about you.

It’s like a whole other life I lived. A life that only I remember. It’s so surreal. Tonight I’m drowning in you. Drowning in your songs, drowning in your words, drowning in your pictures, drowning in you.

I know tomorrow will be better. It always is. But tonight I’ll let my scars bleed.

“Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go.” Joshua 1:9. This scripture gives me so much peace. God is with me on my good days and my bad days. He is with me on the days I get it right and the days I fall down and allow myself to feel the pain of your absence. He is my rock, my strength, my salvation.

Maybe tomorrow I’ll get it right.

I Trust my God, I Trust my God, I Trust my God.

Dear Cody…

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CML

Dear Cody,

I wanted to wish you Happy 3 years in the Heavens. I often daydream about what you could possibly be doing. Are you sitting at the throne of God? Are you in awe of the majesty and power that surround you? Are you dancing in worship, letting your radiant spirit shine? Or maybe, just maybe you’re on a pier on a beautiful heavenly lake with a fishing pole in your hand.

I wonder if you’ve met my Uncle Billy who joined you in Heaven almost 2 years to the day you went? Do you remember me telling you about him? He was my uncle who baptized me when I was a young girl. He was the one I’d wake up in the middle of the night and pray for throughout the years. You never got to meet him on this side of glory, but maybe you are friends now?

I wonder if you ever think of me or our life? I wonder what your capacity for earthly memories are? I wonder if you remember your life here at all? I wonder if you’d be proud of me?

Baby Abby is growing so beautifully. She has your laugh. Your deep belly giggle, and grin full of comic mischief. She has asked so many questions about you. “My daddy who held me when I was a baby?”, she’ll say. She asks to see pictures of you often. I’ll swipe through years of electronic photos of our life. She sees the ones with me in a white dress and she’ll gasp in excitement, “Mommie, you look like a Princess! Did you and my daddy get married!?”

Her little mind is so sharp and full of curiosity. At first the questions evoked an explosion of sad emotion throughout my soul… but now I can smile and enjoy telling her about you when she asks. She knows you loved her. She knows you didn’t choose to leave her. She knows you’re with Jesus. She knows Jesus lives in her heart, so she immediately says you live there too.

Your memory is so sacred to us. No matter where life takes us, we Love you.

I can close my eyes and remember my head on your chest. I can still hear your heart beating with life. I can see the light in your deep blue eyes. I can see the Love you had for Jesus and people shining out of you. I feel your arms around me. It used to be so hard to allow myself to remember you, to truly remember you. But grief is so beautiful when we allow God to lead us into healing. I grieve still, but I am so thankful for the memories. I’m thankful for our life, even though it was only for a few short years. I am thankful for where the Lord has brought Abby and I. He has taken care of us every step of the way. He has led an amazing man into our life. It’s weird to say this, but I know you would like him. He is a man after God’s heart. He prays for Abby and I daily. He has been an answer to so many of my prayers.

I want to thank you for showing me what Love is. I think back to that young innocent 23-year old girl who laid eyes on you and knew you were going to be in my life. I had no clue of the heartache and devastation ahead. But I do know the truth of Romans 8:28 “And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.” I have learned to be intentional in healing and grieving. I cry out to the Lord in my grieving. He does not forsake us. He does not leave any stone unturned.

My favorite “winks” from Heaven as I like to call them, are when someone who was touched by your life and testimony comes to me and shares the difference you made in their life. One gentleman in-particular comes to mind. He stopped me at church one day and with tears in his eyes told me he learned what true freedom in worship to the Lord was because of you. He could raise his hands to our Heavenly Father without embarrassment because of how you couldn’t contain your worship. You helped so many men struggling with addiction. You may have fallen in your life, but you never gave up. You always mustered strength and faith and kept walking. That is admirable. You taught me about God’s Grace. I didn’t have a revelation of that kind of Love prior to you. I will forever be thankful for the season of “us”.

I remember 3 years ago today talking with you on our front porch. Abby’s baby body was spread across my lap as she was fighting sleep. I was tired. You looked in my eyes and were concerned. I remember telling you, “I feel like I’m grieving and I have no idea why.” All I wanted to do was cry and sleep, which was abnormal. You sweetly told me to go rest. We had plans that day and I chose to sleep instead of spend time with you. I woke up a few hours later and felt so burdened spiritually. My heart was already aching before the tragedy happened. I often think about this. How could I have known devastation was looming? The Lord doesn’t give us a spirit of fear, but I believe when our spirits are in tune with Christ, we can feel things not of this world.

I want you to know I forgive you. I’ve learned harboring unforgiveness, especially for someone who is no longer on this earth, is dreadful. The Lord showed me my anger and unforgiveness was debilitating areas in my life.

I forgive myself. This one was hard. I forgive myself for being angry when you didn’t come home that night. I had no idea where you were, and I was mad at you. You texted me and told me you were checking the fishing lines one more time and then headed inside. But you never came back. Hours pass and I go out to the pier, I yelled and yelled for you but you never answered. Fog blanketed the dark lake. The silence was deafening.  I stopped searching and I was mad at you. You weren’t here, and I was mad at you. I was mad for so many things I never said to you. I was mad at myself more than anything for not being emotionally present your last day on this earth. But the Lord has walked me through healing and forgiving.

Grief.

One small word that is loaded with emotion and meaning. A word that feels tangible at times. A word that has been my greatest enemy these past 3 years. A word that has become my greatest friend when I need to hide from the world and allow myself to “feel” the trauma and loss.

Though we may never fully grasp death or heaven on this side of glory we have to learn to accept it. I vowed to allow the hurt to change me in a way that glorifies God.

You’re the lucky one… Basking in glory… praising with the Angels…Giving everyone in Heaven your famous “Cody Hugs”… Living your best life…

P.S.

I will see you again one day.

Jess

 

 

Dead Ends.

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Dead-End-Blog-Picture

Google Image.

Wrong Turns.

Dry Streams.

Dead Ends.

Have you ever been in a season of life when each direction you’re turning, you have a “Wrong Way” sign flashing intensely back at you?

Your heart is set on a dream. Your emotions are so exaggerated and taking over your intelligence. You fly past every warning sign that this situation, this career path, this relationship, this dream you’re holding onto is not God’s perfect plan for your life.

Dead ends… Ladies, what do we do when the ends of our hair become dried up and dead? WE CUT THEM OFF. We all know that by biting the bullet and cutting off inches of dead hair will in fact make it grow longer at a faster rate. I’m the world’s worst about cutting my hair. If you know me, you know my hair is insanely long. When I go in for a trim, I cringe at every inch being snipped away. But I know it’s for the best. It is the same with dead ends in our lives.

No matter how much we strive to push a square peg into a round hole, it is not going to work. There have been seasons in my life that I forced myself onto a particular career path only to find my soul was miserable because it was not God’s plan for my life. I’m sure we have experienced this in relationships. We hold onto a vision we had in the beginning or a feeling of safety. We hold on with every fiber of our beings only to find that we’re at a dead end. A dead end filled with dried streams that used to overflow with life-giving water in this area of your life. You wake up one day to no more cross roads. No more options but to turn fully around and go the opposite direction.

Change hurts.

Change is scary.

Change is growth.

Change is good.

For years I have feared change. God has used nearly every faucet of my life to face the fear of change. I faced the change of finding a new dream after the loss of my husband. Our entire life built was that of a team. Business partners, remodeling a home, raising a child together. All of it shattered in one moment.

Change hurts.

But feared change produces so much trust in our God when we choose to stop running from it and face it with a faith that comes from Christ within us.

I have envisioned myself kneeling at a stream. I am standing on stepping stones, kneeling at the slight running water at my feet. My fingers are touching the top of the streaming water. It’s moving slowly, but it’s moving. I look further down the stream, to the right and to the left. The streams are dry. I know where I’m standing won’t be life giving much longer. I know I’m being called to move forward. But the stream is so beautiful. The stream was healing. The stream gave me water when I was dying of thirst. The stream exudes peace and comfort. But I’m not to stay. I don’t know what is after the stream. But I know I have to be obedient and move forward. I’m to trust in something bigger than myself.

Change is scary.

Freedom begins with obedience.

This reminds me of Peter in Acts 12. King Herod arrested some who belonged to the church and had every intention of persecuting them. He took Peter captive, imprisoning him. He was handed over to four squads of four soldiers each. Herod had planned to bring Peter out for a public trial after Passover. Here Peter was imprisoned, but God’s people were diligently praying for him to be set free. Scripture tells us the night before Herod was to bring Peter to trial, Peter fell asleep between two soldiers. (Because I mean who wouldn’t be sleeping like a baby with this much stress in their life… It’s not like he wasn’t about to possibly be persecuted for his faith or anything)

I see you Peter.

I see your unwavering TRUST in your God.

He was bound with two chains and wedged between two soldiers. He was in bondage, physically but not spiritually.

Suddenly an angel of the Lord appeared and struck Peter’s side. “Quick, get up!” the angel said. “…And the chains fell off Peter’s wrist.” Acts 12:7

And…. THE CHAINS FELL OFF PETER’S WRISTS.

Obedience.

I’ll say it again- Freedom begins with obedience.

Peter had to get up before the chains fell off him.

YOU have to get up before your chains will fall off you.

What is the Lord calling you to do that you haven’t yet?

The Lord has been revealing to me since August that I have not surrendered certain areas of my life to Him. I was scared of what His plan may look like, so I was holding onto my own.

I recently shared with a friend that the Lord gives me a word for each year. At the beginning of this year He gave me the word Love. But I know it was not in the romantic sense. It goes deeper than that.

I can feel my Savior whispering to me ever so sweetly—“I am Love. I am the Love you are looking for. I’ve been here with you the whole time. Don’t you see me? Don’t you feel me caressing your broken heart? I’ve never ever left you. Please come fall into my arms.” That is Love. When I think of the place’s I’ve allowed my mind to go, from deep sadness, to exploding anger, to disgusting selfishness, to icky worldliness, but yet, here is my Jesus pursuing me, calling to me in the middle of my darkness. This Love trumps any romantic shallow term of love. This Love I’m referring to is an out of this world, undefined, knocks you off your feet and challenges you to run to the cross kind of Love. It brings you to your knees in repentance and leaves your dirty ashes shining like beautiful sunflowers. The kind of Love that turns unimaginable earthly pain into a purpose for His glory. There is nothing that compares to it.

I’m learning that His purpose for our obedience is rooted in His Love for us. This revelation has equipped me to embrace change on another level.

Change is growth.

What happened to peter when he obeyed? Not only did the chains fall off him but he stepped out of the prison walls. He was at a dead end, stuck between two soldiers who were commanded to keep him a prisoner for Herod’s entertainment. How many of us get comfortable in our own prisons? (Insert hand raise emoji) We can become quite comfortable in our own dysfunction. But the change that Peter experienced in his situation due to his obedience of “getting up” was quite literally instantaneous. Instantly the chains fell off, he walked out of prison and was a free man.

The evolution of change can be so many things… it can hurt, it can be scary, it can grow you… but oh change can be so good in the bounds of God’s will over your life.

What if you embraced the change the Lord has set before you? What if you surrendered whatever it is that is holding you back? What if you were whole-heartedly obedient to the commands and callings Christ has set specifically on your life?

You never know… A simple act of obedience can change the course of your life and blessings and freedom could begin to flow instantly. Your seemingly never ending ‘dead end’ could turn into a boundless open road full of Life, Love, and Growth.

Change is good.

I Trust my God. I Trust my God. I Trust my God.