Photo by Hector D. Astorga

Today is one of those reminiscing days.  One of those gut-wrenching lonely days.  You know, those days where no matter what you do, you just cannot seem to get out of the ‘funk’.  Yea, it’s one of those days for me for sure.  Could be because it is 5-years ago today that I first met my husband.  The intensity of missing him is something fierce today.  But it is okay.  I know I will be okay.  It’s a process. This whole grieving thing is just a process.  “Trust the process” they say.  Okay, I will, but I trust my God more.

It’s days like today, that I can look back over the last 5-months and see all of the progress I have made emotionally, and spiritually.  But it also becomes more real.

Reality becomes more real.

I can vividly see how much more I have to go in ‘this process’.  It’s so easy to get ahead of ourselves in life.  It’s so difficult, well at least for me, to just ‘be’.  To just live in this moment and in this day.  Why is that so hard?  My mind is constantly wondering and worrying.  I am constantly trying to figure out God’s big plan for my life.  Or making sure I don’t mess His plan up.  Let me stop there for a second-  I can’t mess God’s plan up.  Nope.  I am definitely not that important.  How could little old me mess up the King of the Universe’s plan?  He doesn’t love me or anyone any more or less for their actions, good or bad.  (Obviously not a free card to sin.)  But his love is not based on merits earned by good behavior.  For some reason I have needed reminding of this lately.  I feel as if a million eyes are on me and I can’t mess up for fear of failure or gossip.  Let me just say, “Ain’t nobody got time for that!”  That quick sand way of thinking is suffocating.  It will cause us more chaos even if it’s only in the depths of our own minds.

Back to reminiscing… For some reason, today I cannot stop thinking of Amarillo the Armadillo.  Let me tell you the story of Amarillo.  It was fall of 2015, Cody and I had been living in our lake house for nearly 4 months.  It was after dark and Cody was in the front yard.  He came inside with a tense look on his face.  Before I could ask him what was wrong, he said, “I think we have an armadillo.”  Me, not being from Texas had never seen an armadillo.  I was kind of excited.  He of course looked at me like I was crazy and instantly said, “that’s not a good thing”.  Having the biggest heart for literally every kind of animal- I made sure he wasn’t going to kill this armadillo.  He assured me he would not kill this creature.  The next day he set a trap for him.  We checked the trap for two days.  We would coaxingly call to this armadillo.  If you know me- the woman who names every fishing lure and fish caught with the named lures- I, of course had to give this armadillo a name… So we called him Amarillo the Armadillo. No sign of Amarillo the Armadillo.  Then one morning while I was dressing for work Cody ran in the house excitedly saying, “The trap worked!  We trapped him!”  Cody had devised the plan of loading the trap in the bed of the truck and driving down the lake road where woods were predominant and then set Amarillo free.  He was insistent I go with him.  I eagerly agreed, excited for our little morning adventure together.  (It was always an adventure with Cody.)

I hurriedly dressed and walked outside to the trap where this very ugly, but very sad looking creature named Amarillo was encaged.  My heart burst for this helpless animal.  I know what you’re thinking- I’m crazy.  But our little bushes of forest in our front yard had become Amarillo’s home.  All I could think about was how we were trapping Amarillo, ripping him from his home, and banishing him to a faraway land for him to begin again.  I felt sad for this creature.  We were the ‘master’s’ of our land- the land that he decided to dwell on.  We had the say so if he stayed or if we’d end his life, or relocate him.  We were in control.  He was just along for the ride so to speak.  He didn’t ask to be trapped, or for his life to get turned upside down.

Cody loaded the trap up carefully, while Amarillo began heaving his body back and forth.  It was obviously his defense mechanism.  But under the aggressiveness was fear.  Fear of the unknown.

Amarillo was loaded successfully.  We hopped in the truck and began our morning adventure.  We drove for a few minutes and decided on an area near a little bridge surrounded with woods.  Cody retrieved the cage and set it on the ground.  Amarillo was trembling.  I wondered if he thought we were going to hurt him.  Cody carefully and very quickly unlatched the cage.  Amarillo literally sprinted out of the cage, heading toward the woods… His new home.  But, then he did the oddest thing… Halfway to the woods, he stopped, and turned back to us.  His little body was no longer trembling.  I swear he had a look of thankfulness in his dark eyes.  As fast as Amarillo the Armadillo came into our lives, was as fast as he disappeared.
I feel like Amarillo the Armadillo.
I feel like I was in a safe dwelling place in life.  I was content.  I was safe and in my comfort zone.  Then the ‘Master’, being God, came and scooped me up out of my dwelling place (current life).  I temporarily put myself in a cage- just as Amarillo willingly entered his cage.  My cage being my emotions, grief and fear of the unknown.  When my Master comes to jingle my cage, I tremble, for fear of the unknown.  But he knows where He’s taking me- just like we knew where we were taking Amarillo.  We knew he had nothing to fear.  We knew we were taking him to a better place and a place better suited for him.
I feel like Amarillo the Armadillo.  Trusting blindly of the Master’s plan…
“But I trust in you, LORD; I say, “You are my God.”” Psalm 31:14

“When I am afraid, I put my trust in you.” Psalm 56:3
I Trust my God, I Trust my God, I Trust my God….

It never ceases to amaze me how God intricately designs details of our lives, creating a divine moment.  For an Anniversary gift several years ago I gave Cody a book titled ‘Married for Life’, Inspirations From Those Married 50 Years or More.  We loved this book.  If you ever visited our home, you would have seen this book sitting on our coffee table.  We made a diligent effort to read an insert from it daily, usually sitting down for dinner.  We would mute the television and read out of it before eating.  It seemed almost every testimony of marriage we read was for the exact moment we read it (you know how God works).  Needless to say, this book was precious to us.  Now that Cody is no longer here- It will be a cherished book of mine, forever.

It’s no surprise to most, after his passing, I could not stay in our lake house.  While moving a few months ago and unpacking boxes, I came across this book.  I have shared the following ‘Words From Heaven’ moment during a ministry event a couple of months ago- but I found such power in it that I have a prompting to share with all of you.  Let me disclose that Cody and I never, kept anything in this book.  It has an attached silk bookmark built into it.  We never stuck random paper in the book or anything of that sort.  While coming across the book in my new house, I picked it up.  Oddly, I noticed a corner of a piece of paper slightly sticking out.  I immediately opened the book and the piece of torn paper fell out of it.  The paper was filled with Cody’s handwriting… My heart quickened.  I knew I had never seen this piece of paper before.  I was anxious to read what he had written.  The following words will be etched into my soul forever.  This ‘piece of paper’ will be attentively preserved.

Cody’s ‘Words From Heaven’ as I refer to them…

“Sometimes in life—Before you can have new dreams, the old ones have to be taken from you.  There is a time and place for everything the Good Book says—Now is the time and this is the place God has brought you to today.  To Praise Him like never before.  NOW PRAISE HIM with ALL Your HEART.  God has a purpose for each of us and it is not insignificant.  If you play for yourself- you can be great at something.  But if you play for something higher than yourself- there is no limit because it is not your power.  Where there is no wisdom the people parish.  That means there is no Hope—With Hope Breaths Life!”

Can I just take a moment and say WOW!  Imagine someone you love so dearly, here one day and gone the next, so suddenly, and you read words of passion and inspiration they could have written the very day they passed?  I am in awe at how God inspired Cody to take the time to write this down and then, not by happenstance, place it in our special book.  The first time I read these words was a day when my ‘Praise’ was hard to find.  You better believe I hit my knees in praise after reading this.  It’s moments like these—Cody making a choice to write this, for whatever reason, and these words will invoke emotion and passion for life and our Creator for as long as this little piece of paper is preserved, that our choices, big and small in life can and do ultimately impact those around us.  I love the quote by Maya Angelou, “People will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.”  I want to be more aware everyday of ‘how I make people feel’.  That is undoubtedly a part our legacy… Let’s make it count!  Cody made me feel hope.  I witnessed his life as a ray of hope for many souls struggling with addiction.  His life was full of battles, redemption and God’s glory until his last day.  He made me fearless about dreaming big.  Nothing was too big for him to accomplish.  He was a fearless soul.  I admired his appetite for life and strive to instill the same zest for life in our daughter.

To be an encourager and inspirer in this dark and broken world is being a beacon of hope in what could be viewed as a hopeless situation.  I do not believe in ‘hopeless’ situations.  Just like Cody wrote, “With hope breaths life”, I’m going to say, ‘With life breaths hope’.  If there is a breath of life, there is hope even in the most difficult circumstances.  Cody Lusk continuously taught me this while doing life with him, through his death I am still learning this notion.  That too, shall be a part of his legacy.

Happy 38^th Birthday to Cody, Celebrating in the Glorious Heavens… Most likely fishing for big, heavenly bass in the most beautiful blue waters.

“He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death’ or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.”

He who was seated on the throne said, “I am making everything new!” Then he said, “Write this down, for these words are trustworthy and true.”

He said to me: “It is done. I am the Alpha and the Omega, the Beginning and the End. To the thirsty I will give water without cost from the spring of the water of life.

Those who are victorious will inherit all this, and I will be their God and they will be my children.””

Revelation 21:4-7

I shall praise The Lord with all my heart and soul, like never before- even when it hurts, especially when it hurts.

I Trust my God, I Trust my God, I Trust my God…

Hi everyone, I am Jessica Lane Lusk. I started this blog 4-years ago, but we all know ‘life’ happens and I have not posted in a while and have recently updated my blog page.

Many of you may know I recently lost my Husband and Father of my 1-year old daughter in a tragic fishing accident this past January. The last 4-months have been some of the darkest days of my 28-years.

But God is good.

He is continuously showing me His glorious way. He is bringing me to a place of peace- That peace that surpasses all understanding really does exist. He meets us in the valley and sets us on the rock. All He asks is for us to Trust Him… Hence the new title of my Blog, I Trust My God…

I find myself- sometimes dozens of times a day repeating over and over, I Trust My God, I Trust My God, I Trust My God. It helps me. The Holy Spirit is welcomed into my atmosphere when those words are released from my lips.

If you know me, you know that I have had a passion for writing since childhood. I would dream of publishing books. That dream has only grown as time goes on. I earned a Journalism degree in 2010. I am a published writer for many newspapers and magazines in East Texas. I won the TCTA Silver Apple Media Award for in-depth feature stories I wrote on education during my time as a journalist for County Life Magazine in Crockett, TX.  Four years ago I wrote a full manuscript. It was a testimonial- My Testimony. I sent it to several publishing companies and to my surprise was sent back a contract to publish it. After much prayer I did not have peace about publishing this piece of work. But this showed me that with hard work, determination and the Holy Spirit guiding me I have the patience and dedication to sit and write a full manuscript. It showed me to dream big, to allow God to dream for me. I say all of this to share my deep passion for writing. We should all use the passion and talent the Lord embedded into us while in the womb, for me that is making a difference by the words I write.
While navigating this new season in life- a life without my husband and father of my child- a life no one ever dreams of having to navigate- The Lord has pressed upon me to write again, to write from my heart, and soul. To share the revelations the Lord has brought to me while drawing closer to Him by reading His word and during prayer… To tell of Who He is. I will be doing that in this Blog and I have recently started writing a new manuscript- that God willing may be published one day.

I have had many people refer to my more recent ‘lengthy’ Facebook posts sharing my thoughts and deep revelations the Lord has brought me to- asking, why I am not posting them on my blog? So I went back through and have since added several blog posts that were originally written on my Facebook page.

Thank you for joining me on this Journey…

They say to ‘write what you know’…

What do I know? I know heartache. I know life at its darkest, most earth-shattering time. I know Redemption in the highest form. I know Love. An all-consuming earthly Love. I know an out of this world eternal Love.

This is what I know.

This is what I will write.

This is my story.

This is my transparent, raw, God Glorifying story.

I Trust my God, I Trust my God, I Trust my God…