Joy

Our Sovereign Lord

Sanctification, Trusting God

“For by him all things were created, in heaven and on earth, visible and invisible, whether thrones or dominions or rulers or authorities—all things were created through him and for him. And he is before all things, and in him all things hold together.” Colossians 1:16-17 ESV

When I consider my life, I see an abundance of blessings that I don’t deserve even a little bit. I see the mercies of my great God. Yet, still, I contemplate discontentment. I entertain the lie that I deserve more. More of what I ask myself. More excitement in daily life? More time? More space? More accolades for meaningless accomplishments? Just more.

I don’t like it in the headspace of longing for “the more” of life. These notions plagued me recently on a beautiful sunshine day as I played outside with my young daughter. We made our way to our backyard trampoline and looked up at the beautiful blue skies. Above us was an enormous pine tree. As we sat taking in the beauty of the nature designed by our most creative God, I started studying the pinecones and pine needles on the tree overhead. I witnessed several pine needles fall from the tree at different times. My spirit became overwhelmed with the thought that my God ordered those needles to fall from the pines.

My heart and soul were filled with questions to my glorious God. “How many pine needles did you order to this tree?” “How many needles have you told to fall today?” “How many needles are left on this tree?”

Pine needles on a tree stirred my wandering heart to meditate on the sovereignty of my boundless God who authorizes every molecule, dust particle, and pine needle to move.

And if my God Who created the blazing sun, the shining night moon, the stunning stars, sets boundaries for every wave, limits the heights of mountains, numbers the clouds, commands the lightening strikes, and so much more…If He is ceaselessly in tune with His creation so much so that He ordered these pine needles to fall… Then in His sovereignty, He has undeniably ordered my steps to this place in my personal walk with Him.

My God is an intimate, loving, merciful, gracious, personal, trustworthy, and sovereign God.

Over the last decade plus, the Holy Spirit has led me to an endless study on the sovereignty of our magnificent God. I notice when I’m attracted to the world around me and my heart is being seduced by “the more’s” of life, I’m not ruminating in His sovereign ways. My mind and heart are distracted with the clutters of life and I’m neglecting the truth of Who my God is and who I am in Him.

I know I reference this a lot—but what a present reproof is to the believer. It’s a present I want to open daily for the rest of my life. It’s a gift that is so rich and good and aligns our hearts back to truth repeatedly. Praise the Lord for His loving reprimands.

I love John Piper’s definition of Sovereignty and Providence, “God’s sovereignty is His right and power to do all that He decides to do. God’s providence is His wise and purposeful sovereignty.”

So, in God’s sovereignty he has every right and all the power to do as He wills. But, because of the character of God, His providence is displayed through His wise and purposeful sovereignty.

There are so many examples of God’s sovereignty being recognized from saints of the past in scripture, but one that has recently stuck out to me is David’s recognition of God’s sovereignty when King Saul literally spent years chasing him across Isreal with the intentions to murder him out of jealousy.

David had the opportunity more than once to put Saul to death and end the cat and mouse game they had been playing for far too long. When David and his men were sitting in the innermost parts of a cave, and Saul entered the cave to relieve himself, David could have killed Saul right there. Against the words of his men, David, trusting God, chose to only cut a piece of Saul’s robe off rather than assassinate him as most would say he deserved. David says in 1 Samuel 24:6, “The LORD forbid that I should do this thing to my lord, the LORD’s anointed, to put out my hand against him, seeing he is the LORD’s anointed.”

It is evident that David trusts God’s sovereign rule over how long Saul would remain king, God’s current chosen and anointed one. David knows God’s timing is perfect, and he is not called to attempt to intervene with what God has already sovereignly ordained.

This is so encouraging to me. I can’t imagine all that David went through in the years of constant fleeing from Saul’s sword. Can you imagine relentlessly looking over your shoulders? Can you imagine the mental torment trying to figure out who you can trust when the king of the land is set on ending your life? We know from the beautiful Psalms that David wrote during this time that he indeed warred with discontentment and was ailed with many questions to God’s sovereign plan. But, when it came down to David’s heart showing through circumstances, it is evident that the Lord was at work in Him and He was sealed by God’s sovereign protection…and David recognized it.

I want to recognize God’s sovereignty in my life, too. I want God’s sovereignty to be on my mind as soon as I awake in the morning. I want it to be one of the last things I ponder when I close my eyes at night. I want God’s sovereignty to pervade every perspective and decision in my life. I want my life to reflect a heart stance that trusts my God’s sovereign reign over everything.

I want this. However, I must confess, I fail miserably at abiding in Who God is and submitting to His sovereign authority in my life.

But, as I watched the pine needles float seemingly aimlessly through the air to the ground, I was consumed with the notion and truth that they weren’t merely floating aimlessly. Each pine needle was at my sovereign God’s rule. They wouldn’t have loosened from their original place on the tree if God didn’t order them to. If these insignificant pine needles are on my God’s radar and under His authority, then why do I doubt He sees me, His child, and is permanently lovingly governing my life in a way that brings Him the most glory and the best to me? Why is it so easy to doubt and feed unbelief in God’s sovereignty?

Paul writes powerful words influenced by the Holy Spirit that magnifies God’s supremacy over all creation. “For by him all things were created, in heaven and on earth, visible and invisible, whether thrones or dominions or rulers or authorities—all things were created through him and for him. And he is before all things, and in him all things hold together. And he is the head of the body, the church. He is the beginning, the firstborn from the dead, that in everything he might be preeminent” (Colossians 1:16-18 ESV).

When we seek God for Who He is and not merely what we want Him to do in our lives, we will discover deep intimacy with our great God. In this intimacy we won’t be able to deny His sovereignty. We will see His sovereign rule stretching from His gift of eternal salvation for His children that He determined before the foundation of the world, to the pine needle falling to the ground. All of it is by Him, through Him, and for Him.

This intimacy we discover will no doubt deepen our trust in our wonderful Lord. Though, on this side of glory, we will never understand so many mysteries of God, our lives, or the wonders of heaven, but we can rest in knowing He is sovereign in the mysteries. He is sovereign in our heartaches, tears, and griefs. He knows what ails us. He knows the griefs that may silently consume us at times. He knows each tear that has left our eyes. In fact, He has them numbered. David writes in Psalm 56:8, “You have kept count of my tossings; put my tears in your bottle. Are they not in your book?” Oh, what sweet intimacy the Lord offers His children as He displays His ardent love for us.

Though the depths of God’s perfect design will never be comprehended to its full capacity in the here and now, we also know from scripture that God is sovereign even over sin. This does not purport that God causes or condones sin. But He is sovereign over it as He’s not surprised by our many sins. He even uses our sin for our good and His glory. Paul writes in Romans 8:28, “And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose.” What a gracious and grand Heavenly Father we have that He uses even the darkest, most secret parts of our heart and actions and uses it for His divine glory.

The Psalmist writes of our God’s divine sovereignty in Psalm 135, “For I know that the LORD is great, and that our LORD is above all gods. Whatever the LORD pleases, he does, in heaven and on earth, in the seas and all deeps. He it is who makes the clouds rise at the end of the earth, who makes lightnings for the rain and brings forth the wind from his storehouses” (Psalm 135:5-7 ESV).

If you find yourself in wanderings of the heart and being tantalized by the fading sparkle of the world as you question God’s plans for your current lot in life, I want to encourage you to immerse yourself in the truth of God’s sovereignty. Soak in His scriptures and ask Him to reveal His sovereignty in every Bible reading and in every area of your life. As believers, our fleeting lives are not about us, but all about our glorious God who set His affections on us though we reek of total depravity. His affections for us burned with absolute commitment to His glory as He planned for us to remain with Him for eternity by sending His Son Jesus to live sinlessly, undergo crucifixion, and bear the holy wrath of God to atone for the sins of the saints. Our God is good. Our God is merciful to those He chooses to show mercy. Our God is just to those He doesn’t show mercy to. Our God is sovereign over all, and all is unto His glory.

I Trust my God, I Trust my God, I Trust my God

Ardently His,

Jess Dennis

I Am Weak

Sanctification, Trusting God

“…My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness”

 (2 Corinthians 12:9 ESV)

You’re weak.

I’m weak.

We’re all just a bunch of weak humans.

We’re not special.

We’re not elite.

We’re not superhuman.

We’re really nothing but dust, dirt, and depravity.

I’m not writing to the masses on this one, so if you’re easily offended, you’ll probably stop reading. But, if weakness is something you’ve learned to embrace, welcome.

Confession: I despise “feeling” weak. I don’t like to feel physically weak, so I lift weights regularly. I don’t like appearing weak by “needing” something from someone. My pride can consume my convictions over things that require me to display weakness or any form of submission that resembles weakness from a cultural world view.

Though we’re all born weak and helpless, we live in a world that assumes we outgrow that weakness and helplessness. But do we? Obviously we grow physically and most don’t remain as a helpless infant, but we never truly outgrow our innate human weakness that marks us as a creation.

Oxford Languages defines weakness as: “the state or condition of lacking strength.” Similar words include: frailty, feebleness, fault, flaw, defect, deficiency.

I am frail. I am feeble. I am faulted. I am flawed. I am defected. I have many deficiencies. I am weak.

I am a created human. That means I have a Creator.

My great, un-created Creator is the One True God, The Alpha and the Omega, Elohim, El Shaddai, Jehova-Jireh, Adonai.

My Creator is Yahweh.

My Creator chose me in Him before He even created this world (Ephesians 1:4). My Creator knitted me in my mother’s womb (Psalm 139:13). My Creator gives me each breath (Isaiah 42:5). My salvation came from my Creator and belongs to my Creator (Jonah 2:9).  My Creator helps me (Psalm 121:2). My Creator keeps me (Psalm 121:7-8). My Creator is with me (Isaiah 41:10). My Creator strengthens me (Isaiah 41:10). My Creator upholds me (Isaiah 41:10).

I am nothing without my great Creator.

I am weak without my great, wondrous, powerful, merciful, and strong Creator.

In a world that scoffs at weakness, I pray as a sister-in-Christ you relish in your weaknesses, knowing our sovereign and glorious God welcomes our weaknesses so His grace can shine with sufficiency.

In 2 Corinthians 12 we get to see a beautiful illustration of the apostle Paul boasting about his weakness. He starts out matching his adversary’s boasts about spiritual experiences by sharing he’s had visions and revelations from the Lord and was even caught up to the third heaven and heard things that cannot be told, or uttered. But even with this glorious “experience,” he ends with boasting in his weaknesses.

“On behalf of this man I will boast, but on my own behalf I will not boast, except of my weaknesses—though if I should wish to boast, I would not be a fool, for I would be speaking the truth; but I refrain from it, so that no one may think more of me than he sees in me or hears from me. So to keep me from becoming conceited because of the surpassing greatness of the revelations, a thorn was given me in the flesh, a messenger of Satan to harass me, to keep me from becoming conceited. Three times I pleaded with the Lord about this, that it should leave me” (2 Corinthians 12:5-8 ESV).

The Lord sovereignly gave Paul a thorn in the flesh. This “thorn” proved to weaken Paul in some way. We’re not given exact details of this thorn, but many Bible scholars presume it to be an internal mental or emotional struggle, a particular temptation, a physical ailment, or a demonic harassment. But we really don’t know.

It doesn’t really matter what the “thorn” was, because we have the Lord’s answer to Paul when the Lord, in His goodness, chose not to remove this “thorn.”

The Lord told Paul, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness” (2 Corinthians 12:9 ESV).

My weakness has a purpose.

Your weakness has a purpose.

God’s power will be made perfect through our weaknesses—whether those weaknesses are spiritual, emotional, physical, circumstantial, or a particular sin we’re struggling with—we have the grace of our almighty Creator sufficing our weaknesses.

Like me, you’re probably taking a mental note of all of your weaknesses right now. I encourage you to allow God’s grace to shower you rather than shame or guilt with the lies of never measuring up. The truth is we weren’t created to “measure up.” We were created to glorify God and enjoy Him forever. What better way to do that than to know the God Who Created you and all things? The more we know Him, the more we love Him. The more we love Him, the more we trust Him. The more we trust Him, the more we can embrace our weaknesses as creation. The more we embrace our weaknesses as creation, the more we should acknowledge and ascribe glory to our perfect Creator Whose grace is radically sufficient for us and Whose power is magnificently perfected in our weaknesses.

I yearn to respond like Paul when weaknesses intensify and circumstances appear unsatisfactory in my life, and yet, the Lord in His sovereignty chooses not to remove these “thorns.”

“…Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong” (2 Corinthians 12:9-10).

I Trust my God, I Trust my God, I Trust my God.

Ardently His,

Jess Dennis

If I Only…

Sanctification, Trusting God

“You will seek me and find me, when you seek me with all your heart, I will be found by you, declares the LORD…” Jeremiah 29:13-14

If I only…can just get my workout completed before 7 a.m., I’ll be sure to have a productive day. If I only…can just get my Bible reading completed before I make my coffee, I’ll feel like I can enjoy my cup of coffee. If I only…can just get school completed with Abby for the day, I’ll feel like a good mom. If I only…can just get all of the laundry washed, dried and put away, my mind will be more freed up. If I only…can just get the floors swept and mopped, I’ll feel more accomplished. If I only…can just get the next chapter started on my writing project, I’ll feel like I’m doing something productive. If I only…can just get everything checked off my to-do list before everyone else gets home, I’ll feel better about myself. If I only…can just get dinner going, I’ll feel like I’m serving my family well. If I only…can just get the kitchen cleaned up, I’ll finally feel like I deserve to rest.

Task-oriented, list-checker, tight schedule-keeper… these are just a few ways I’m sure my family would describe my compulsion and desire to be productive and efficient. Though I’ve pretty much always been this way, I thought when I left my career in the middle of 2022, I would leave my notepads of lists in my desk drawer. I thought I’d begin a new chapter of life that didn’t include daily struggling with my over-working brain that is never satisfied or happy until every.single.thing.is.done.

But, the reality is… every single thing will never be done. I’m home all day, homeschooling my girl, working in ministry, co-teaching a weekly CO-OP class, taxi-driving my teens around, cooking for my family, keeping my home clean and inviting. And yet, daily I find myself seeking a meaningless relief and self-satisfaction by checking off my never-ending list of to-do’s.

Some days I get to the bottom of the list. I strategized all day, and never truly enjoyed any of it, just to get every box checked. Guess what? It still wasn’t enough. I still wasn’t satisfied. I still felt I could have produced more, “I should have added to the list,” I’ll silently tell myself. It can truly be madness.

Can you relate?

More recently I’ve realized how deep these notions of time-keeping and list-checking run. They’ve become mental idols. I’m consumed with them. I have a deeply rooted fear of appearing lazy to my family because I’m home now, so I never want to sit down until all of the laundry is completed, all of the meal is cooked, all of the mess is cleaned, and all the things in the house are perfect…. So I basically never sit down. Because I’m reaching for something that doesn’t exist. I’m exhausted. Mentally, emotionally, spiritually, physically…exhausted.

If I only….

I want to be more like the women in the Bible who struggled for twelve years with a discharge of blood. I’ll pass on her physical ailment, but I want more of her heart set on Christ.

“For she said to herself, “If I only touch his garment, I will be made well” (Matthew 9:21 ESV).

Her eyes were set on Christ as her healer.

We’re the same, she and I. She needed something that only Christ could offer her. I need something that only Christ can offer me. Though hers was a physical illness that ailed her for over a decade, deeming her unclean for society—she knew she had to get to this man named Jesus. “If I only touch his garment…” She knew where the ultimate and true source of healing was…Jesus.

Don’t I know this, too? Why then do I not slow down, stop everything, put my notepad of lists away, and have the heart posture of… “If I only touch his garment…” And, I have something this woman didn’t have…she no doubt had to travel and weave her way through crowds surrounding the Messiah to draw near to Him. But, He’s already near to me. He lives on the inside of me! Because of His death on the cross by taking the wrath that you and I deserve from our Holy God because of sin, His burial, His glorious resurrection, and His ascension to heaven, He left us a gift… the gift of the Holy Spirit that comes and dwells inside of the believer! He is near, He is always near.  

Our perfect God left a beautiful promise to Jeremiah, “Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will hear you. You will seek me and find me, when you seek me with all your heart. I will be found by you, declares the LORD…” (Jeremiah 29:12-14 ESV).

This promise is for the believer today, too.

If I seek Him with all my heart, He promises to be found. Though, I know I’m sealed for salvation, I never want to stop seeking my God, I never want to take a break in getting to know my God, I never want to halt falling deeper in love with my God, and I never want to cease trusting my God.

“…If I only touch his garment, I will be made well.” Jesus turned, and seeing her he said, “Take heart daughter; your faith has made you well.” And instantly the woman was made well” (Matthew 9:21-22 ESV).

My God has made me well by the gift of His salvation and the grace He continues to pour out on me. He never stops drawing me deeper into sanctification, making me more holy like Him. He even pursues me in the midst of my meaningless battles of attempting to control the day by lists. He is near, He is always near.

Next time I write a to do list, I vow to begin with, “If I only touch his garment…” meaning if all I do is abide in Him, walk in step with His Holy Spirit, and I don’t mark anything else of my self-gratifying list…I will have been made well…

I Trust my God, I Trust my God, I Trust my God

Ardently His,

Jess

2024 Reflection

Sanctification, Trusting God

“But when one turns to the Lord, the veil is removed. Now the Lord is the Spirit, and where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom. And we all, with unveiled face, beholding the glory of the Lord, are being transformed into the same image from one degree of glory to another. For this comes from the Lord who is the Spirit” (2 Corinthians 3:16-18, ESV)

The end of a year and the beginning of a new—It’s as if most of us have “reflection time” marked on our calendars on these end of the year days leading to what we all hope to be a fresh start as a new year dawns, forcing our brains to overpower our hand as we begin the task of writing the numbers of a new year. My mental make-up is one of constant reflection. I feel blessed to have a desire for consistent growth, crushing goals of all kinds, and being in competition with my best competitor—myself. It’s no surprise that reflection time saturates my mind even more on these last days of the year. So reflection time it is.

As a Christ follower—my reflection is centered on my growth and walk toward Christ’s image in all the details of my life.

In reflection of this year, words like; order, acceptance, surrender, obedience, love, and joy invade my mind. My flesh has experienced a slaying to an extent I had not yet experienced, reaching deeply to matters of the heart. My God has orchestrated my life in such a way that His order has been despised in the trenches of warring with my flesh. But my God didn’t leave me there in the trenches, resenting where He ordered me. No, no, not my good Father, who loves, claims, and corrects. And for that, my soul soars in absolute praise to My God. My God in whom my flesh wars to steal His glory in my life, but because of the work of my Savior at the cross and the continued work of the Holy Spirit inside of me, I am engulfed with strength to endure and persevere.

“For you have need of endurance, so that when you have done the will of God you may receive what is promised. For, “Yet a little while, and the coming one will come and will not delay; but my righteous one shall live by faith, and if he shrinks back, my soul has no pleasure in him.” But we are not of those who shrink back and are destroyed, but those who have faith and preserve their souls” (Hebrews 10:36-39).

There was a season not long ago, I screamed in anger and anguish at so many uncontrollable things happening in my daily life. The hatred and contempt from another my life was experiencing was enough for me to want to flee. I wanted to run. I wanted to hide. I wanted to escape. I wanted to un-commit to what I committed to. I wanted to fashion my flesh in a sweater of self-pity. I wanted to parade my pride in the streets rather than punish it. My reactions to this internal trial were ones of voicing my rendered anger that teetered toward hatred. But wait, I’m a Christian. Shouldn’t I react in love? Shouldn’t I react in righteousness? Shouldn’t I be ready to obey the words I claim I’d die for? But here was my opportunity to die to myself and to live in the way my God instructs and I was choosing to drop my sword of the spirit and pick up my pride and hold it all too close. Comforting it with the milk this fatal world offers. Have you been there? My sister-in-Christ, we don’t have to stay there. We don’t! Christ took this with Him to His death on the wooden cross for all who were established as children of God before the foundations of the world. As Christ-followers we are no longer bound to sin, nor are we controlled by our flesh.

“There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus. For the law of the Spirit of life has set you free in Christ Jesus from the law of sin and death. For God has done what the law, weakened by the flesh, could not do. By sending his own Son in the likeness of sinful flesh and for sin, he condemned sin in the flesh, in order that the righteous requirement of the law might be fulfilled in us, who walk not according to the flesh but according to the Spirit” (Romans 8:1-4).

During this deep and dark internal battle sparked from an external circumstance, my sweet husband—full of the love and wisdom of the Lord—asked me something that awakened truth inside of me to new heights. “Is God sovereign? Or is He not? Is God good? Or is He not?” In my self-centered, pride-adorning, flesh-flexing, temper-tantrum, I shuddered at his question. He rose up to defend a sovereign, good, righteous, loving God, while I melted in a whirlwind of immature selfishness. Can I just take a second and praise my God for allowing me to do life with a man who stands on these truths in love and gentleness, but with a boldness only empowered by the Holy Spirit!

I go back to this moment often. It has been a pivotal mark in this specific sanctification journey. Of course my God is sovereign! Of course my God is good! Just because we don’t understand something or are being wronged by another, doesn’t mean our God isn’t sovereignly in control and continually expressing His goodness through each and every ordered circumstance our lives experience. Okay, so this light-bulb moment set me on a journey of accepting what my God had ordered for my life in this season. But it wasn’t enough to just accept a circumstance that I couldn’t control. I had to surrender to the sanctification journey my God prepared for me.

With the daily surrender to let go of what my flesh craved came the hard work of obedience in daily details and matters of the heart. But, not an un-biblical, righteous, pharisaical, fulfilling of rules or laws to “stay saved” kind of obedience—no, no, it went much deeper. My spirit was awakened to the beauty of obedience and the joy that erupts in our souls from walking in obedience to our sovereign and Holy God.

“For this is the love of God, that we keep his commandments. And his commandments are not burdensome. For everyone who has been born of God overcomes the world. And this is the victory that has overcome the world—our faith. Who is it that overcomes the world except the one who believes that Jesus is the Son of God?” (1 John 5:3-5).

My God loves me—though there is nothing lovable about me accept Christ’s atoning work at the cross—Because of God’s love and mercy abounding in my life, I want to honor Him. I want to please Him with my life. This brings forth an out of this world understanding of God’s love, followed by a radiating joy that is only culminated with a genuine relationship with Jesus.

This year I began pursuing the joy of my salvation again. Though the joy was never taken away—I just stopped relishing in it. I stopped meditating on the truth of my eternal status. I stopped holding it close and centering the gospel in my every-second-of-the-day moments. I experienced a renewed love flourishing in my soul that only comes from obeying the Word of God and delighting in Biblical truth.

The hidden sin, the wrong motives, and the matters of the heart that the Holy Spirit revealed to me through meditating on God’s Word this year have become treasures that have nursed my hurting soul and crushed spirit. These jewels of truth have slain my perfectionist tendencies. These gems laced in glory have demolished the handcuffs I’ve strutted for years. My God is worthy of EVERY area of my life. My God is worthy of EVERY area of my mind. My God is worthy of EVERY area of my heart. Not just the crumbs of what I sinfully give Him at times…just enough to ‘look’ the part. I am nothing without my sweet Savior. His merciful and continued correction marks the believer with His love.

“My son, do not despise the LORD’S discipline or be weary of his reproof, for the LORD reproves him whom he loves, as a father the son in whom he delights” (Proverbs 3:11-12).

I want to encourage you to have a 2024 reflection time if you haven’t already. Ponder the matters of the heart. Those deep places where wrong motives root, deceit rises, jealousy grows, sinful thoughts fester, and miniscule manipulations come to life. Those secret places that no one knows about, except you and our Holy God, are still to be put to death with the help from the Holy Spirit.   

My prayer for you and I—is that right now and as we enter into a new year—we have a hunger for God’s Word like we’ve never experienced before. Lord, I pray you give us an unearthly craving to be sanctified and stand firm against every detail of sin in our lives. Lord, help us not to be satisfied in conversations that reek of gossip and slanderous speech. I pray Lord, that You make us detest every utterance of complaints that leaves our lips. Give us a great yearning to chase after holiness in every area of our lives. Father, God, I pray You give us a longing to honor You and this longing takes precedence over any other New Year’s goals we may have. Encourage us with Your Holy Spirit as we are being transformed into the image of Your Son, Jesus. Help us to find a never-ending joy in the eternal salvation You’ve gifted us with through Jesus’ sacrifice. Lord I pray you embed a deep desire in us to spread the gospel to all who will listen. May we continually find profound hope in the waiting for Your second coming our Lord and Savior, in Jesus Name. Amen.

I Trust my God, I Trust my God, I Trust my God.

Ardently His,

Jess Dennis

Somewhere Between Answered Prayers & Internal Wars

Sanctification, Trusting God

“I have been crucified with Christ. It is no longer I who live, but Christ who lives in me. And the life I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me.”

(Galatians 2:20)

Though, I’ve all but patented the words…I Trust my God…I haven’t lately…trusted my God. In fact, I’ve been plagued with worry, anxiousness, and self-consumed with what I want in this momentary life. I’ve tainted my answered prayers…the prayers nesting and manifesting all around me. My current state can become distorted and lost somewhere between the myth of a rainbow and butterfly life and the reality of a life filled with dying to self, pushing me in the trenches of my sanctification journey—cutting and burning my sin, self-centeredness, and worldly desires—leaving more purified places that took a lot of pain to reflect my Jesus even just a little bit. Then in my weakness and self-centeredness I find myself picking up the cut and burned pieces of darkness and my flesh aches and I want to put the pieces back into their familiar places.

But they don’t quite fit anymore.

And I’m sad, and I’m thankful at the same time. My flesh craves those pieces back where they’ve camped for years. But my spirit knows they don’t belong there anymore. And it’s a war, a never-ending war on this side of glory. Battles come and battles go. Victories are celebrated with praises to My Lord for strengthening me for my journey. But battles are lost too. At the end of some days I am met with defeat, exhaustion, tears, and fear of the unknown.

I don’t want to give up some things in the way I know the Lord is calling me to do.  

I.don’t.want.to. 

But I know I have to. 

I crave to be understood by those around me. I crave to be different. I crave to be more Christ-like in all circumstances. And I fail, over, and over, again. I fail. 

But God.

You know Who doesn’t fail? My God.

And He’s doing something. He’s so personal, He’s so near. The Creator of the universe is doing something in me. He’s working and rearranging all of the things that don’t align with His truth, His Word, His goodness. And it hurts. It’s as if a limb is being dismembered. I don’t care if that queues the dramatics curtain. It hurts. The cutting, the burning, the dismembering of a sin nature so masked that it didn’t even feel like sin until it’s exposed and held to the light of truth illuminated through God’s Holy Word. 

It hurts. I hurt. And it’s time to say goodbye to things I’ve held so close, idolized, and found temporal peace in for far too long. 

My time.

An uninterrupted schedule. 

A life of order.

A perfect home.

A surface reaching peace. 

A facade of control.

Cut it off. Burn it to pieces. Dismember it. 

Whatever it is the Holy Spirit is leading you to kill, stop fighting it. Surrender. Draw your sword and slay it with help from the Holy Spirit.

As Christ followers our individual journey is different—but has one goal—to reflect the image of Jesus. The moral standard of right and wrong and revelation of “big” sins should be blindingly clear—but sin and darkness comes in many forms—All-consuming, reeking of death, but also slow and subtle. Sin can sneak in and disguises itself as good and peaceful, but slowly becomes poison that screams to be poured first as our day begins. 

What is your slow and subtle poison? What is creeping to the center of your worship?

Or, maybe it’s just me struggling to lay aside these subtle—unknowing to anyone else sins—that are stealing my joy, peace, and creating a false reality of a life that doesn’t exist.

In Romans chapter 7, the apostle Paul writes about being freed from the law through Christ.

“…You also have died to the law through the body of Christ, so that you may belong to another, to him who has been raised from the dead, in order that we may bear fruit for God. For while we were living in the flesh, our sinful passions, aroused by the law, were at work in our members to bear fruit for death. But now we are released from the law, having died to that which held us captive, so that we serve in the new way of the Spirit and not in the old way of the writing code.

What then shall we say? That the law is sin? By no means! Yet if it had not been for the law, I would not have known sin. For I would not have known what it is to covet if the law had not said, “You shall not covet.” But sin, seizing an opportunity through the commandment, produced in me all kinds of covetousness. For apart from the law, sin lies dead. I was once alive apart from the law, but when the commandment came, sin came alive and I died. The very commandment that promised life proved to be death to me. For sin, seizing an opportunity through the commandment, deceived me and through it killed me. So the law is holy, and the commandment is holy and righteous and good” (Romans 7:4-12 ESV).

I’ve read this passage dozens of times through the years. But in the more recent years, these words have come to life to me. Paul describes the war of flesh and spirit so perfectly. Though we are freed from the law of just following these religious rules—the law is necessary, but apart from Christ the law leads to death.

Have you ever found yourself in a season of knowing all the right answers, knowing all the right Bible verses to turn to, but yet the discipline of surrendering to the Holy Spirit is left dusty on the top shelf?

Paul continues with, “Did that which is good, then, bring death to me? By no means! It was sin, producing death in me through what is good, in order that sin might be shown to be sin, and through the commandment might become sinful beyond measure. For we know that the law is spiritual, but I am flesh, sold under sin. For I do not understand my own actions. For I do not do what I want, but I do the very thing I hate. Now if I do what I do not want, I agree with the law, that is good. So now it is no longer I who do it, but sin that dwells within me. For I know that nothing good dwells in me, that is, in my flesh. For I have the desire to do what is right, but not the ability to carry it out. For I do not do the good I want, but the evil I do not want is what I keep on doing. Now if I do what I do not want, it is no longer I who do it, but sin that dwells within me” (Romans 7:13-20 ESV).

When we are in Christ—sin in our lives will be revealed to us, even sins that are masked with good intentions, but are still a form of idolatry since we’re seeking peace from those things rather than our Lord and Savior.

It hurts our flesh and natural depraved nature knowing we have to lay these sins down over and over daily until our final day on this earth. But, what a gift the Lord has given us as one who He has mercifully gifted salvation to—the gift of Himself. We know through God’s Word that He won’t abandon, forsake, tire of, push aside, or leave us to fight our fleshly battles alone. NO! His Word PROMISES Himself to the believer in Jesus Christ.

In Deuteronomy 31:18, Moses summons Joshua and says, “It is the LORD who goes before you. He will be with you; he will not leave you or forsake you. Do not fear or be dismayed.” Then in verse 23 of the same chapter, the Lord Himself commissions Joshua saying, “Be strong and courageous, for you shall bring the people of Israel into the land that I swore to give them. I will be with you.”

The Psalmist pens in Psalm 9:10, “And those who know your name put their trust in you, for you, O Lord, have not forsaken those who seek you.”

I don’t want to covet, idolize, or submit to my own comforts in my daily life any longer. I want what my God wants for my life—which is to look more and more like my Jesus. Regardless of the pain it causes my flesh. The pain won’t matter in eternity. The obsessiveness with time, perfection of space, and resentfulness of chaotic schedules won’t matter.

…And if those things won’t matter in eternity, why should they consume me now?

Rather, I want to be consumed with God’s Word. I want to be consumed in growing in knowledge of the holiness and goodness of God. I want to be consumed with God’s love and learning to love others with the love of Christ.

No matter the battles we face in this fallen world, no matter the difficulty we endure from the daily slaying of our flesh, no matter the deep submission to sufferings beyond our control in this momentary life… no matter… God is with us until the end…and for eternity… Emmanuel.

I Trust my God, I Trust my God, I Trust my God.

Ardently His,

Jess Dennis

Let the Plate Pass

Forgiveness

“…It’s ok to let the plate pass.” As I sat in the familiar pew, eyes closed, head bowed, listening to my Pastor’s prayer before our time of communion, my heart throbbed with conviction at his honest and truth-filled guidance. He was instructing our body of believers on when to break this bread, partaking in the Lord’s Supper, and when to let the plate pass. His biblical guidance stood firm on having a moment of true reflection. (1 Cor. 11:27-32)

Waking up that morning, I would have shallowly reflected and silently responded something resembling, “I’m fine, everything’s fine.” But in my reflection sitting in the pew, hearing my Pastor’s words, I knew I wasn’t fine. Not really.

So, I let the plate pass.

You see, there’s this thing that gnaws at my mind. There’s this situation that weighs heavy on my spirit. There’s this person who has spewed much unwarranted hatred my way. There’s these choices another is making in their darkened state that directly affects my everyday life and plans. It fuels my flesh to feelings of unjustness, anger, resentment, and confusion. These feelings have led to a valley of un-forgiveness.

As a Christ-follower, Bible-reading, praying-woman, I’ve known there’s been work to do in this area. I have brought all of this before the Lord. Many times. But then something else unjust happens surrounding this situation, and I pick it all back up. All of it. Every last crumb I lay at my Saviors feet, I pick back up and store it safely in my valley of un-forgiveness. My valley of crumbs is getting full enough to feed an army. I feel trapped in this—let’s be honest—self-made valley of un-forgiveness, that is now poisoning my soul toward resentment of many things. The valley is no longer a remnant of my sloppy, immature, harboring crumbs of un-forgiveness. It has now become a dangerous valley with a poisonous reservoir of resentment running through it.

As a Christ follower it is not ok to settle into a reservoir of resentment, ruminating over the offense and justifying not forgiving this day.

Allowing a situation or another person the power over you to withhold forgiveness for them is; foolish, unbiblical, hypocritical, selfish, and disrespectful to Jesus—the bearer of all that should be deemed as unforgivable.

As Christ-follower’s when we find ourselves in a season of warring with our flesh and choosing to withhold true, bondage breaking, soul healing, forgiveness to another—over and over again if need be— we truly are only putting ourselves through more suffering.

Imagine you have a pair of handcuffs. You have the key to the cuffs. But, when we choose to harbor those crumbs of offenses, store them in the valley of un-forgiveness, while basking in the reservoir of resentment, it’s as if we are willingly handcuffing ourselves, then giving the key to the person we’re warring within our spirit to forgive, allowing them the power to unleash us from bondage.

Imagine we’re crowned with jewels representing God’s peace and joy He chose to leave His people through His Son, Jesus. But then we find ourselves bound with un-forgiveness and resentment. We may be in a season of forsaking the surrendering daily to Christ’s commands regarding this. So, when are not intentionally working toward a forgiving status, and find ourselves bound with un-forgiveness and resentment, so much so, that we can no longer wear our jewels of joy and peace. So we willfully take these beautiful, blood-shed, worthy gifts of jewels representing God’s peace and joy and throw them into a muddied pit of pigs. Then walk around in a confused, overcast, solemn manner, hoping and wishing for peace and joy from our darkened state. But, wait… don’t I have the gifts of joy and peace through Jesus?? Why do I keep throwing them to the dirty pigs?? Why do I keep giving away the key to un-cuff from this self-made bondage??

The apostle Paul does not sugarcoat his Holy Spirit guided instructions on forgiveness to the churches of Ephesus and Colossae. “Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice. Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you” (Ephesians 4:31-32 ESV).  “Put on then, as God’s chosen ones, holy and beloved, compassionate hearts, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience, bearing with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other, as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive” (Colossians 3:12-13 ESV). 

I’ve been foolish, I’ve had an unbiblical perspective of my situation, I’ve reeked of hypocrisy, I have displayed selfishness, and I have disrespected my Savior who died for all of the unforgivable things I’ve done and will do in the future. Who am I to withhold forgiveness in my heart toward another?

My God in His sovereignty ordered my feet to this place. What my miniscule flesh-fueled view chose to caption as unjust and foolishly unforgivable—My God sees and marks as a gift rendering me deeper into my journey of sanctification and dependency on His strength, His peace, His joy. Wow! With that perspective and heart stance, I know my God loves me! He loves me so much, He has aligned my life with so many situations that make little time for selfish gain, planning my days my way, and gratifying my flesh to death. What a glorious savior I serve that in my darkened depravity—He marked me with love and set me on a journey of sanctifying my soul, bringing me through trials and seasons of grief, long days and emotional suffering, all to reflect more and more the image of His perfect, blameless, sinless, Son, my Savior—Jesus Christ.

My God loves me.

Sometimes it’s ok to let the plate pass. The Lord’s conviction and correction displays His boundless love for us.

“My son, do not despise the LORD’s discipline or be weary of his reproof, for the LORD reproves him whom he loves, as a father the son in who he delights” (Proverbs 3:11-12 ESV).

I Trust my God, I Trust my God, I Trust my God.

I Don’t Want To Forget

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Photo by Jennifer Willard Photography

“I can’t wait to be on the other side of this.”

These were words that escaped my lips 2 years ago.

When the grief, the pain, the loss was all so fresh, so deep and still bleeding. A few weeks ago, I lay in bed clinging to the phone as I poured my heart out to a friend. I remember being so ridden with guilt for almost forgetting where I had been. How can life seem so ‘normal’ now? I had a disappointing day at work and was fuming with emotion. It hit me, how can I allow something so miniscule to steal my hard worked for joy? My life was in shambles not that long ago and look how far the Lord has brought me. How could I forget so easily? How could I allow myself to get worked up over nothing when my heart has known immeasurable destruction?

I made a vow in that moment, I don’t want to forget.

It’s in the valley’s we get to know the heart of our Savior. It’s when, our lives as we know it have been obliterated that we feel the sweet presence of Jesus intervene in a supernatural way.

I close my eyes and remember the hard days. The days of not knowing what happened to my person. The days of gut-wrenching grief and screams to God. The days of packing brown boxes to move across town. The days of rocking my baby girl to sleep as I cried silently in desperation to the Lord because I had no idea what I was doing. The days of seeing hope and sunlight only to be pushed back in the dark tunnel of grief and depression.

I want to remember these days. It keeps me humble. It keeps my heart centered on Christ and His overwhelming goodness. It reminds me of how weak I am, and how unbelievably strong my Jesus is. It reminds me to surrender my heart and mind daily to Him. It reminds me to let go and cease striving.

“But He said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore, I will boast all the more gladly of weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me.” 2 Corinthians 12:9-10.

These have become some of my favorite words in the entire Bible. I speak them often. I recite them before I have spoken at events. These words put Christ at the forefront of my insufficiencies. They murder my need to please and smother my perfectionist nature. They welcome my weaknesses so that Jesus can shine His power and receive the glory He so desperately deserves.

During my many months of grief and trauma counseling I begun to imagine grief in different ways. I often allow my mind to visit one illustration in-particular. Grief is this beautiful box. The box is blue and has colorful sequins displayed on it. The box has light dispersing from it. Inside the box are my memories. My favorite pictures from my old life, or songs that resonate memories, or maybe it’s words forever captured on paper that had been handwritten to me. This box is filled with beautiful memories. The box contains sad memories too. Harsh words, ‘I love you’s’ left unsaid. It is filled with the infamous ‘coulda, woulda, shoulda’s’. It is filled with regrets and gut-wrenching guilt. I put this box in a safe place. Maybe tuck it under my bed or put it away on the top of a shelf. I hide the box. I don’t want to see it every day. My heart can’t take it.

But I purposefully allow myself days and moments to look at this beautiful box. I allow myself to pick it up and touch it. I hold it close to me. Some days I allow myself to actually open the box. I delve in and touch the memories. I may cry–sweet tears or ugly cry with mascara running down my cheeks. I may laugh and laugh until my belly hurts. Sometimes I allow my baby girl to visit the box with me. I tell her about her daddy. I let her listen to his favorite songs. I show her pictures of him holding her. She refers to him as “my daddy who held me like a baby”. That is all she will ever see of him on this side of glory. My heart aches with unspoken grief of the loss she has experienced without even knowing it. I have to keep reminding myself that the Lord will cover all of her needs. I have to trust Him with her.

I’m learning grief will always be a part of my life. Grief isn’t always dark and grueling, it can be surprisingly beautiful if we allow the Lord to use our grief for His glory. Grief has taught me compassion and patience for others. It has opened my heart to a new realm of love and understanding of life. Grief has reminded me how short our lives are and reiterates the urgency to be eternally minded and heaven bound.

It hurts to go back.

But I don’t want to ever forget the hurt.

No matter the amazing blessings and sunshine the Lord allows to enter our lives, I don’t want to forget where I came from. No matter how normal life feels again, there is something so pure in being broken before the throne, with nothing to offer but your praise and shattered heart. God shows up and intricately re-creates the brokenness into a sculpture we could have never built or imagined for ourselves.

But it starts with surrender.

It requires trust.

The Lord keeps reminding me how easy it is to praise Him when life is rolling along, but what escapes your lips when life resembles heartache, broken dreams, and unmet expectations? Do you lay down and give up mentally, emotionally, spiritually? Or do you rise-up and praise Him even when the pain is suffocating and the confusion looms from every direction?

Maybe you have been through a season of devastation and grief but you’re finding yourself on the other side. Praise God for the new season. But never, ever forget what He’s brought you through. Or maybe you’re still in the season of darkness. Praise God for this season too. Allow yourself to cease striving and draw close to the Creator. He will carry you through. He will make beauty from the ash. It may not be on our timing and it may not look like what we had in mind, but that is why He is God, and we are not.

“The Lord is my strong defender; he is the one who has saved me. He is my God, and I will praise him, my father’s God, and I will sing about his greatness.” Exodus 15:2

“But you are a chosen race, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, a people for God’s own possession, so that you may proclaim the excellencies of Him who has called you out of darkness into His marvelous light.” 1 Peter 2:9

I Trust my God. I Trust my God. I Trust my God.

 

“Hold Me All Day”

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Photo by Jennifer Willard Photography

“I got a baby, and her name is Abby, and I Love her so much, so much,” I sing in a whisper to my 2-year old daughter while leaning over her crib. With her eyes still closed she purses her lips in a slight grin. Her mouth opens as she faintly repeats, “so much, so much…” Her eyes pop open as she exclaims “Hold me all day, Mama!”

This is our sweet morning time routine. Me singing silly made up tunes, her ‘pretending’ to be asleep, and then bellows charming demands like, “hold me all day”.

It’s these precious, seemingly insignificant moments that literally makes my world go around.

The innocence my baby girl exudes. The happy spirit-filled energy that escapes her in the early hours of morning. I wished I could swoop her up and tell her “I will hold you all day, baby girl”. She wraps her little arms around my neck and tells me “no leaving Abby, Mama”. I hold her to me and whisper in her ear, “I will never ever leave you… unless I’m with Jesus”.

I can’t promise her I will always be here. I refuse to make that promise. She’ll repeat my words, “with Jesus, Mama?” I explain I would never choose to leave her, unless Jesus decides He needs me with Him. She grins and again utters her delightful demand of “hold me all day!”

These last two days her requests have been granted as I’ve held her sick body close to me. I’ve been praying down her high fever with doses of Tylenol around the clock. A big red bowl that resembles a hardhat has become our bed buddy. (The emergency vomit bucket)

Yet my sweet girl still manages to awake from her bouts of sleep with a grin and immediately reaches for me and asks to be in my arms. My heart breaks with that helpless parental feeling when your child is sick beyond your means of a quick healing. But selfishly I have been soaking up the extra snuggles and sweetness. Knowing that one day way too soon she won’t need me like this. I pray she always knows she will never be too old for my arms to hold.

I can’t help but wonder how much different our daily lives as adults would be if we ran to our heavenly daddy with such urgency and excitement and requested that He, “hold us all day”, regardless of our circumstances.

Isaiah 49:16 tells us we are “engraved on the palms of His hands”. We are constantly on our Savior’s mind and heart. He is always yearning for us to look His way and simply invite Him into our day. He wants to be a part of all our moments, big ones and what we consider trivial moments.

There are so many times throughout the day I’ll be busy accomplishing a house chore and I can hear little footsteps running through the hall yelling my second name—“Mama, Mama, Mama”. She’ll find me at the stove stirring a pot of pasta or leaning over the sink washing dishes. She will be so excited to show me a toy she’s playing with or show me her fake makeup she just applied. The look on her face is beaming with accomplishment, “I did it, Mama, I did it”. She wants to share her little moments with me, her parent. She wants me to be included in her playtime. She desires my interaction. How selfish and utterly hurtful would it be if every time she came to me I refused to look her way, or I pushed her aside and told her I didn’t have time right now? Sadly, that happens. I’m sure more times than most parents would like to admit. But guess what? Our Heavenly Daddy never responds to us this way. He would never turn a blind eye and reply, “I’m too busy for your nonsense”.  No. That would never be His response.

Instead His Word instructs us with this, “…Truly, I say to you, unless you turn and become like children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven. Whoever humbles himself like this child is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven.”  Matthew 18:2-4. What do most children do? They excitedly RUN to their Mother and Father in pursuance of their attention. This is what God wants us to do. He is not a forceful God. He is a God with a perfect Will in line for our lives, but we have to open our hearts and minds to Him and what He desires for us. He does not force it. He patiently waits for our invitation.

Run to Him as if you were a small child excited to show someone you look up to a new toy or karate move. He will gladly “Hold You All Day”. No matter how old we get, The Lord upholds us. Isaiah 46:4 tells us, “Even to your old age and gray hairs I am He, I am He who will sustain you. I have made you and I will carry you; I will sustain you and I will rescue you.”

So, invite Him into your day. Invite Him into your Monday morning blues, and your Friday afternoon impatience. Invite Him in when choosing what you allow your mind to dwell on, what you allow your eyes to see, and your ears to listen to. Invite Him in when you notice irritation in your tone of voice to your spouse or children or parent. Invite Him in when you are lacking motivation. Invite Him in and ask Him for His divine wisdom and His sovereign Will over your day. Simply ask Him to be a part of every moment of your day. I promise your mindstate will evolve from negativity to thankfulness.

“Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.” Isaiah 41:10

I Trust my God, I Trust my God, I Trust my God.

 

Love.

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“There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love.” 1 John 4:18

Love. This is the word the Lord has pressed upon my spirit for the New Year. Love- a simple four letter word with more meaning than all the words in the dictionary can define. Love is something we all desire and yearn for. For me personally I know this word has been pressed upon my spirit in regards to how Christ loves us. To make it more personal, how Christ Loves ME. I have spent the majority of this last year in anxiousness. Striving to fix my brokenness or cover my brokenness up with momentary pleasures of life. What am I looking for I ask myself? The answer is Love. I can feel my Savior whispering to me ever so sweetly—“I am Love. I am the Love you are looking for. I’ve been here with you the whole time. Don’t you see me? Don’t you feel me caressing your broken heart? I’ve never ever left you. Please come fall into my arms.” That is Love. When I think of the places I’ve allowed my mind to go these last 12 months, from deep sadness, to exploding anger, to disgusting selfishness, to icky worldliness, but yet, here is my Jesus pursuing me, calling to me in the middle of my darkness. This Love trumps any romantic shallow term of love. This Love I’m referring to is an out of this world, undefined, knocks you off your feet and challenges you to run to the cross kind of Love. It brings you to your knees in repentance and leaves your dirty ashes shining like beautiful sunflowers. The kind of Love that turns unimaginable earthly pain into a purpose for His glory. There is nothing that compares to it. So why do I forsake it daily?

I’m stuck. I am stuck in my immature mind of expectations of life not being met. I am so focused on what I am starving for when in reality I have no reason to be hungry at all. I have the answer to everything living in my heart already. I have the wisdom of the Creator of the universe residing inside of me. Why do we as Christians live weak and depressed lives when we know this truth? Why are so many of us allowing the enemy to trample our thoughts and steal our peace and joy? Where is our David kind of boldness ready to sprint on the battle field and conquer fear? Where is our warrior spirit that rises up and steps into the Love that Christ is?

Can I be transparent? I am tired of being sick and tired. I am tired of allowing fear to win. I am tired of waking up every day and remembering how life used to be or allowing a desire to enter my heart of what I think I need, want or deserve and my life reflects zero of those expectations so I mentally and emotionally throw a fit and raise a fist at God. How selfish. This life is not about us. How have I become so self-centered in my journey? Maybe you feel this way too. I feel so off track spiritually.

I feel like the Apostle Paul when he writes “For I do not understand my own actions. For I do not do what I want, but I do the very thing I hate.” Romans 7:15. So contradictory, yet so true. Don’t we all do this? It is time to wage war on the things of this world that tarnish the gospel. It is time to wage war on what we allow our minds to dwell on. It is time to wage war on what we allow our ears to hear or eyes to see. It is time to wage war on all that keeps us from running into the Love that is Jesus. We are the only thing that separates ourselves from experiencing the fullness of Christ. He does not withhold himself from us. Can you imagine that kind of earthly love? Where someone never withholds themselves, their feelings, their affections or emotions? A kind of love you can trust without a shadow of a doubt? A kind of love where you never question where you stand or wonder if you’re even loved at all? A kind of love that you know would always sacrifice? A kind of love that you trust would never leave you or forsake you? I don’t think that spotless and flawless love exists in human form. But we can experience it through our relationship with Christ when we surrender our fears and brokenness. Our spiritual walks become blurred when our minds are focused on this world.

Romans 8:5-8 tells us “For those who live according to the flesh set their minds on the things of  the flesh, but those who live according to the Spirit set their minds on the things of the Spirit. For to set the mind on the flesh is death, but to set the mind on the Spirit is life and peace. For the mind that is set on the flesh is hostile to God, for it does not submit to God’s law, indeed, it cannot. Those who are in the flesh cannot please God.”

To operate in a spiritual Love is getting yourself off of your mind. It is living to glorify the Lord in all you think, act and speak. Love is waging war on all the filth that enters our minds and homes. Love is walking in God’s Will for our lives. Love is living in obedience to His Word. Living a life of this kind of Love is passionate and thrilling. It should never be boring because living a life with Christ is far from boring and the most epic, passionate, life-altering Love story our human minds can possibly imagine. It is being an intricate part of something that is galaxy sizes bigger than our selves. It is partnering with the creator of the Heavens and the earth and allowing Him to work through us to save souls to live out eternity in Heaven. That is our purpose. That is what our goal should be. Not to have a nice home, comfy job, perfect family, or great wealth and fame. Those things all fade and are gone in the blink of an eye. This epic Jesus Love compels us to run out of our comfort zones in the name of Christ. It creates an urgency in our souls to become more eternally minded and live with spiritual reckless abandon because we know that we have the power to show someone the hope of heaven rather than watch them live a life that heads to hell.

Love as Christ Loves. Do not treat people how they treat you, treat them how Christ Loves you. As Christ followers we have the power to change the world and show others a life-changing Love.

“Love is patient, is kind, does not envy, or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things hope’s all things, endures all things. Love never ends.” 1 Corinthians 13:4-8.

I challenge you to join me in pursuance of this kind of Love for 2019.

I Trust my God, I Trust my God, I Trust my God.

“Where Did My Daddy Go?”

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I watched as my husband held our daughters sleepy body against his chest. I watched as her head rested on his strong shoulder. His eyes said it all. Absolute adoration. Through my new mama exhaustion I sat up in the bed and took the sight in. I’m so glad I did. I never imagined that sight would be cut so short.

The last year and a half has been full of amazing spiritual revelations. The Lord is continuously walking me through healing that can only be done in His sovereignty. I have come to a place of acceptance… for myself.

But then I look down at my beautiful blue eyed, blonde haired baby girl and I lose my breath sometimes from the heartache.

Several weeks ago I was by myself in the line at Chick-Fil-A. In front of me were a gentleman and a young girl. I watched in a trance as this little girl took the man’s hand and began twirling. She looked up at him with such love as she giggled and sweetly repeated, “daddy, daddy”. His smile went from ear to ear. My heart started throbbing as I watched. The kind of throbbing that leads to tears. So there I was in the middle of the Chick-Fil-A line gulping down tears like a lunatic. I blinked as fast as I could so they wouldn’t fall. They fell anyway.

Grief happens so randomly and has no respect for your settings. I’ve learned to live with this.

Lately my grief surrounds my little girl. I have so many memories of being a daddy’s little girl growing up. I remember him teaching me how to do pushups and fight better than a boy. He taught me to ride my bike and then go-carts and 3-wheelers. He was the dad that was literally cleaning a shotgun when a boy came to pick me up for a date (let’s just say that date was short and the boy never asked me out again). My daddy taught me how to drive. He was there when I graduated high school and then college. He walked me down the aisle on my wedding day. All of these life long memories surrounding the man I get to call daddy, and I look down at my baby with fear that she will miss all of that.

I see my daughter watch other young children with their daddies. I see the wheels in her mind turning with questions. She is aware that something is missing. Then the dreaded day came. We were playing in her room, putting puzzles together, and building block towers. We were giggling and naming the pictures on the puzzles. All of a sudden she looked up with her piercing eyes and asked as clear as a cloudless day, “Mama, where did my daddy go?”

I stared in disbelief. I thought I had more time before I had to face this question. I was wrong.

How do you explain death to a 2.5 year old? After stuttering a few times I blurted out, “Daddy is in heaven”. How do you explain heaven?

She looked at me repeating the words daddy and heaven. She covered her face with her little hands and shouted “Noooo”. All she was hearing was that daddy isn’t here. The moment lasted less than a minute and of course being 2 she was on to the next attention grabbing thing. But this moment has set the tone for the weeks following. Every time we’re in the garage she will go to Cody’s tool bag and ask, “Is this my daddies?” I knew this time would come. The time of questioning. The time of searching for the right words and tone of voice. I feel selfish allowing this to engulf my thoughts sometimes… I mean there are so many children who grow up without parents or without both parents. It’s almost as if a home with both mom and dad are the rarity these days. I know I’m not the only parent who has the dreaded responsibility of trying to explain death and heaven to a young mind.

Still, I grieve with deep groaning’s from the soul. I grieve for my baby girl. I grieve for other fatherless children. I grieve for children who are growing up without their mothers. I grieve.

Just like any good parent I want to shield my child from any hurt. And when she hurts, I hurt.

Psalm 10:14 tells us, “But you God, see the trouble of the afflicted; you consider their grief and take it in hand. The victims commit themselves to you; you are the helper of the fatherless.”

When my protective mama-bear side surfaces I am reminded of the ultimate parental protector. Jesus. He doesn’t promise us a life of rainbows and butterflies. He doesn’t promise we won’t experience heartache and devastation. He just promises that we are never, ever alone. Ever. He is the daddy that trumps all human forms of the title daddy (or parent). I pray that Abby knows this with every fiber of her being and every inch of her heart from a very young age.

When we’re committed to seeking the Lord’s face in the midst of life’s chaos and triumphs we will not miss out on anything. When we put our hearts and minds in a place of daily surrender (sometimes minute to minute surrender) we are being guided exactly where the Lord wants us. Even if it means going through a season of devastation. I have to continue to believe that there is purpose in the pain and on the other side of grief there is joy unspeakable. I have to remain steadfast in hope that the Lord continues to choose to build beauty from all of the dark ashes floating around in the midst of our lives. I refuse to give up hope.

“A father to the fatherless, a defender of widows, is God in his holy habitation.” Psalm 68:5

I Trust my God, I Trust my God, I Trust my God.