God wants every part of who we are. He wants every part of our heart. Even the broken parts. Especially the broken parts. My heart is completely broken. Again. And I am not okay. God is showing me that ‘It Is Okay Not To Be Okay’.
On January 9, 2017 I was with a group of women for Bible Study. Somehow we got on the subject of death and losses ones had faced in life. I was shocked to hear of the heartache some of these ladies had experienced. I spoke the words… “I’ve never experienced a death close to me.” I will never forget uttering those words. Five days later, January 14, my world as I knew it, was changed forever.
Who I was as a person would never be the same. My beautiful family was ripped apart by the disappearance of my Husband. He went missing while fishing on the lake we lived on. It took authorities 5 days to recover his drowned body. Five days of utter silence. Five days of mind torture. Five days of pleading and begging with God to bring him home safely. I have spent the last five months seeking God and trusting Him like never before. I have a 1-year old daughter to raise and be strong for. I didn’t have time to sulk or question God. I didn’t have time to be angry at God.
But my heart is shattered into a million pieces with yet, another drowning accident, this time of my beautiful friend. A friend that was a blessing to me after the death of my husband. A friend that I shared all the details with about my last day with my husband, our last kiss, our last words, as well as the emotions of the 5 days of the search and his body being recovered. She cried with me and laughed with me. She soothed my spirit and soul. I shared with her that God had placed it on my heart to begin writing a book, a testimonial of how good He is. She was so excited and encouraged me to follow the prompting of the Holy Spirit. I was honored that she called me an inspiration. Her faith was big and her smile one of a kind. Now 5 months almost to the day later, God chose to call her home in the same tragic way, a drowning.
I am angry at God. I know the anger will pass. But this blog is about transparency. And God knows my heart anyway. I will never be able to say… “I’ve never experienced a death close to me,” again. I feel like I am grieving my husband’s death all over. The wounds so fresh. Too fresh to be able to separate the grief. I don’t understand God’s plan. I know I’m not supposed to, but it doesn’t make the process any less hard.
One thing every person born into this world have in common is death. Death is inevitable. There is no escaping it. None of us choose to be born and none of us know the day we leave this earth. But what we can choose is how we live our life on this earth. Life is precious. The Lord has shown me the last 5 months that it is not about me! It’s ALL ABOUT HIM! I have to continuously remind myself of this daily. Even in my fleshly anger- I can say, I TRUST MY GOD! I know He is moving mountains on our behalf. He Loves us and desires us to come to true repentance which inevitably leads to True Joy. Through the death of my husband I have felt the presence of The Lord like never before. His Joy and Peace are real. That is what He left for us when he climbed on that cross and shed His blood for us. I choose to not be shaken. I choose to stand and Praise my God, again, and again. Even when my flesh is screaming in anger. I will choose to praise Him through the storms of life. I have a great peace knowing without a shadow of doubt that my husband and beautiful friend are sitting at the right hand of our Creator, praising Him face to face. Honestly, I am jealous. They won the race. While I am still here on this earth I vow to be a light for God, I vow to live in the true joy that is available for us. No matter our circumstances. No matter if we are in a palace or a prison- Joy can be found in either.
Isaiah 54:4-11 is full of power and comfort. “”Fear not, for you will not be ashamed; be not confounded, for you will not be disgraced; for you will forget the shame of your youth, and the reproach of your widowhood you will remember no more. For the Maker is your husband, the Lord of hosts is his name; and the Holy One of Israel is your Redeemer, the God of the whole earth he is called. For the Lord has called you like a wife deserted and grieved in spirit, like a wife of youth when she is cast off, says your God. For a brief moment I deserted you, but with great compassion I will gather you. In overflowing anger for a moment I hid my face from you, but with everlasting love I will have compassion on you,” says the Lord, your Redeemer. “This is like the days of Noah to me; as I swore that the waters of Noah should no more go over the earth, so I have sworn that I will not be angry with you, and will not rebuke you. For the mountains may depart and the hills be removed, but my steadfast love shall not depart from you, and my covenant of peace shall not be removed,” says the Lord, who has compassion on you. “O afflicted one, storm-tossed and not comforted, behold, I will set your stones in antimony, and lay your foundations with sapphires.””
When I first found out of my friends drowning, I was angry. I began praying against the anger. I didn’t want to be mad at God. But I am human, we are all human. We are all emotional beings. God does not expect us not to feel. So I accept that this part of grief will be used by God as well. He is the Master Creator. I am just me. Nothing happens without sifting through our Heavenly Fathers hands first.
Even though we may be weary, God is still God. He is still wooing us to Him from the throne. He will not depart from us. I am learning “It’s Okay Not To be Okay’. That doesn’t mean my faith is waivered or my trust in God has deviated. It means I am human and I need Him.
I Trust my God, I Trust my God, I Trust my God.