If I Die Before You, Can You Be Happy For Me…?

If I die before you can you be happy for me

Photo by Cori Lusk Ford

“If I rise, let me rise on you. Not on all of my success, my esteem or my pursuits. If I lose, let me lose my life. Cause if I belong to Jesus, the flesh is crucified. For me to live is Christ, to die is gain. If I grow, let me grow in You. Wilt the seeds of wanting more. Rippin’ pride out by the roots, and if I’m still, let me hear You speak. Not the tone of my transgressions, but the song of the Redeemed. For me to Live is Christ, to die is gain. My great desire is to be with you. But this is the place you chose for me. To lift my cross and give everything. This is the time you gave me… For me to live is Christ, to die is gain. I’ll never be the same…” To Live is Christ by Sidewalk Prophets.

I closed my eyes and worshiped to this song as we drove down the road. Cody squeezed my hand gently, bringing me back to reality. I looked over at him from the passenger seat. “If I die before you, can you be happy for me?” I asked him. Cody’s eyes grew wide as if to say, “Why are you asking me this?” He immediately responded, “Don’t say stuff like that.” I shook my head, “I’m being serious. Death is inevitable. We’d be home, dancing with Jesus!” I exclaimed. Cody squeezed my hand again, interlocking our fingers and just grinned.

Ten days later this question was ringing in my head. Ringing in my heart, shattering it to pieces. Repeating over and over in my ears. “If I die before you, can you be happy for me?” What made me ask such a question? Could I fulfill my own request I had asked of my husband just 10 days prior? No. I was not happy. I am still not happy. Nor will I ever be fully happy with the way my life is being written. It feels like chapters and chapters of my life have been ripped out, shredded to pieces and the little pieces are floating through the air aimlessly. Chaos. The ripples of paper are pure chaos. Chaos of emotions. Chaos of fears. Chaos of anger. Chaos of memories. What will make the torn pieces of paper whole again? Nothing.

There is nothing that will puzzle those same pieces of paper together like they were. God is showing me that the torn pages are not supposed to be reclaimed and put back together neatly again. He ripped them up for a reason. He has a purpose for the chaos. He has a purpose for the pain.

He has a purpose.

If we were whole, intact, in perfect condition, had flawless lives, experienced no death, no poverty, no ailment, no shipwrecks to endure, why would we need Jesus? We wouldn’t.

I get it. I need Jesus. But my flesh is also screaming how much I need my husband and the father of my child.

“If I die before you, can you be happy for me?” I am remembering my spiritual emotions while asking this off the wall question. The words in the above song evoked passion and ignited my spirit to crave to be with our Creator. To be in His presence. To be face to face with Him in glory. I couldn’t contain my praise or spiritual excitement. I was imagining what it would truly be like in heaven, and in that moment I wanted to go. Not because I didn’t want to live my life here, but because I know this is not my forever home—Heaven is. I wasn’t worried about what it would be like for my loved ones in the wake of my departure. I didn’t think that far in advance asking my question.

Heaven has a new meaning to me now. I can close my eyes and visualize Cody, so purely and magnificently LIVING. Let me say that word again—LIVING. To be absent from the body is to be present with The Lord. Cody is LIVING in the presence of the One who created him. The One who knew the number of hairs on his head and how many freckles were on his body. Cody is more alive than he ever was walking this earth. That is freeing. I have to focus on Heaven. Otherwise my mind becomes a hell.

If Cody had asked me the same question, I would have been struck with an instant fear just as he was. Our flesh doesn’t have another response for death. Death is so dark and lonely this side of glory. Dark and lonely doesn’t even come close to sufficient enough descriptive words. But death is lost somewhere between earth and heaven. Its death for us mourning the loss of our loved one(s) here on earth and then its ultimate, joyous eternal LIVING for those that departed having Christ as their Savior. Eternal—Forever and then forever more. Never ending time. Cody is LIVING in Heaven in never ending time. He is more alive than I am, than you are. Wow!

The best thing we can do in the wake of losing a loved one(s) is to get up every day and despite the pain and loneliness we have to choose to LIVE. We have to LIVE with a purpose and Laugh on purpose. Be selfless. Praise God with a passion.

I Trust my God, I Trust my God, I Trust my God.

I Don’t Want To

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Job Image by Shutterstock

Do you ever have the ‘I don’t want to’ in life? Of course you have. I don’t want to get out of bed today. I don’t want to go to work today. I don’t want to go to school today. I don’t want to do my homework today. I don’t want to cook dinner today. I don’t want to be nice today. I don’t want to ‘adult’ today. The majority of us subconsciously says, or thinks these things on an almost daily basis. I don’t want to…

I have had this attitude every day for nearly two weeks now. My ‘want to’ for anything has dissipated. I don’t want to face the day. I don’t want to fake the smile on my face. I don’t want to hide my anger. I don’t want to pretend I’m okay. I don’t want to face the loneliness of widowhood. I don’t want to be a single parent. I don’t want to figure out this new chapter of life. I don’t want to face the grief. I don’t want to face any new issues. I don’t want to read my Bible. I don’t want to praise God. I don’t want to worship Him. I don’t want to proclaim His goodness. I don’t want to trust God. I don’t want to relinquish control. I don’t want to…

#transparency #idontwantto

But this morning I woke up. And I don’t just mean opened my eyes and got out of bed, I mean I WOKE UP. My spirit was stirred. I had a revelation of how real my ‘I don’t want to’ is. I had a revelation of how dangerous this mindset is. It takes one second to make a dangerously wrong decision in life because you’re bitter or hurt or numb. I am so thankful the Lord already knows where we are. He meets us in the valley. He meets us in the dark. He meets us in the hurt. He meets us right smack dab in the middle of our messes. Nothing is too much for Him to bear. What a big, big Father we have. What a Loving Father we have. He is Abba Father, He is agape Love. He is everything good and pure. He is a good, good Father.

“I’ve heard a thousand stories of what they think you’re like
But I’ve heard the tender whispers of love in the dead of night
And you tell me that you’re pleased
And that I’m never alone

You’re a good good father
It’s who you are, it’s who you are, it’s who you are
And I’m loved by you
It’s who I am, it’s who I am, it’s who I am…

Oh, it’s love so undeniable
I, I can hardly speak
Peace so unexplainable
I, I can hardly think
As you call me deeper still
As you call me deeper still
As you call me deeper still
Into love, love, love…”

Chris Tomlin, Good Good Father

It’s the ‘As you call me deeper still’ part of walking the faith journey that has me saying ‘I don’t want to’… I find myself crying out to God “Lord, haven’t I done enough for You lately? Can’t I just have a break? I’m so weary. Please why this now? What more do You want from me? What more do I have to give you? How am I expected to praise You still?” This makes me think of the Book of Job in the Bible. “And the Lord said to satan, “Have you considered my servant Job, that there is none like him on earth, a blameless and upright man, who fears God and turns away from evil?” Then satan answered the Lord and said, “Does Job fear God for no reason? Have you not put a hedge around him and his house and all that he has, on every side? You have blessed the work of his hands, and his possessions have increased in the land. But stretch out your hand and touch all that he has, and he will curse you to your face.” And the Lord said to satan, “Behold, all that he has is in your hand. Only against him do not stretch out your hand.” So satan went out from the presence of the Lord.” Job 1:8-12

Nothing happens without sifting through our Heavenly Father’s hands first. Even when it seems unjust. In a matter of moments Job’s property, his oxen, donkey’s, sheep, camels, and many servants were destroyed by various calamities. His many sons and daughters died by a great wind striking the four corners of the house and it fell on them. All of these great tragedies were reported one right after another. What Job did next is the epitome of faith.

“Then Job arose and tore his robe and shaved his head and fell on the ground and worshipped. And he said, “Naked I came from my mother’s womb, and naked shall I return. The Lord gave, and the Lord has taken away’ blessed be the name of the Lord.” In all this Job did not sin or charge God with wrong.” 1:20-22.

What if Job responded with, “I don’t want to… I don’t want to proclaim your goodness. I don’t want to worship you. I don’t want to fall on my face for you.

I want to be more like Job.

I strive to be more like Him. Praising God, no matter what catastrophes in life come my way. I do not want to be shaken.

God then gave permission to satan again regarding Job. “And the Lord said to satan, Behold, he is in your hand; only spare his life.” Job: 2:6

If you continue reading you will see Job’s health was attacked. “So satan went out from the presence of the Lord and struck Job with loathsome sores from the sole of his foot to the crown of his head. And he took a piece of broken pottery with which to scrape himself while he sat in the ashes.” 2:7

His wife encouraged him to curse God. Job again responds in faithfulness, “But he said to her, “You speak as one of the foolish women would speak. Shall we receive good from God, and shall we not receive evil? In all this Job did not sin with his lips.”

Wow, just wow. Job did not even falter in his praise yet again. He did not allow anger to leave his lips toward God.

I want to be more like Job in my attitude.

His best friends began judging him, saying he must have some secret sin and he deserved all of the tragedy occurring in his life. Job held fast to his faith. But he was human. He grew weary. He cursed the day he was born. He justified Gods actions of allowing bad things to happen to good people.

By the end of the book of Job you will read that The Lord restored Job’s fortunes, giving him twice as much as he had before.

Did you know Job was human? Just like me, just like you. I don’t know about you, but sometimes I forget that the people written about in the Bible were actual flesh and blood walking this earth. They didn’t have some magic power to ‘deal’ with adversity better. They walked through valleys, some very dark valleys. But God was with them. Just as He is with us. I wonder how much differently the story of Job would have been if Job responded with… “I don’t want to… I don’t want to praise You. I don’t want to proclaim Your goodness. I don’t want to stand in faithfulness. I don’t want to trust You, Lord.

I want to be more like Job. Even when my first reaction to bad news is…I don’t want to face this…

What if Noah told God he didn’t want to build the ark?

What if Mary said she didn’t want to give birth to the Savior of the world?

What if David said he didn’t want to fight Goliath?

What if Esther said she didn’t want to be Queen?

What if the disciples told Jesus they didn’t want to follow Him?

Walking with God is not for the faint of heart. We’re human. The ‘I don’t want to’ of the flesh is inevitably going to rear its negative head, especially when our faith is held to the flame. But it’s during those times, those suffocating, dark, lonely times that God meets us. He transforms our hearts, our minds and our faith. His ways are so much higher than are human minds can even begin to fathom. Yet He still wants us. He still desires us close to Him. He is enthralled with us.

‘I don’t want to’ be apart from Him.

‘I don’t want to’ be out of His will.

‘I don’t want to’ be apart from His grace.

‘I don’t want to’ live without Him.

I Trust my God, I Trust my God, I Trust my God…

Amarillo the Armadillo

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armadillo-sunset-hector-d-astorga

Photo by Hector D. Astorga

Today is one of those reminiscing days. One of those gut-wrenching lonely days. You know, those days where no matter what you do, you just cannot seem to get out of the ‘funk’. Yea, it’s one of those days for me for sure. Could be because it is 5-years ago today that I first met my husband. The intensity of missing him is something fierce today. But it is okay. I know I will be okay. It’s a process. This whole grieving thing is just a process. “Trust the process” they say. Okay, I will, but I trust my God more.

It’s days like today, that I can look back over the last 5-months and see all of the progress I have made emotionally, and spiritually. But it also becomes more real.

Reality becomes more real.

I can vividly see how much more I have to go in ‘this process’. It’s so easy to get ahead of ourselves in life. It’s so difficult, well at least for me, to just ‘be’. To just live in this moment and in this day. Why is that so hard? My mind is constantly wondering and worrying. I am constantly trying to figure out God’s big plan for my life. Or making sure I don’t mess His plan up. Let me stop there for a second- I can’t mess God’s plan up. Nope. I am definitely not that important. How could little old me mess up the King of the Universe’s plan? He doesn’t love me or anyone any more or less for their actions, good or bad. (Obviously not a free card to sin.) But his love is not based on merits earned by good behavior. For some reason I have needed reminding of this lately. I feel as if a million eyes are on me and I can’t mess up for fear of failure or gossip. Let me just say, “Ain’t nobody got time for that!” That quick sand way of thinking is suffocating. It will cause us more chaos even if it’s only in the depths of our own minds.

Back to reminiscing… For some reason, today I cannot stop thinking of Amarillo the Armadillo. Let me tell you the story of Amarillo. It was fall of 2015, Cody and I had been living in our lake house for nearly 4 months. It was after dark and Cody was in the front yard. He came inside with a tense look on his face. Before I could ask him what was wrong, he said, “I think we have an armadillo.” Me, not being from Texas had never seen an armadillo. I was kind of excited. He of course looked at me like I was crazy and instantly said, “that’s not a good thing”. Having the biggest heart for literally every kind of animal- I made sure he wasn’t going to kill this armadillo. He assured me he would not kill this creature. The next day he set a trap for him. We checked the trap for two days. We would coaxingly call to this armadillo. If you know me- the woman who names every fishing lure and fish caught with the named lures- I, of course had to give this armadillo a name… So we called him Amarillo the Armadillo. No sign of Amarillo the Armadillo. Then one morning while I was dressing for work Cody ran in the house excitedly saying, “The trap worked! We trapped him!” Cody had devised the plan of loading the trap in the bed of the truck and driving down the lake road where woods were predominant and then set Amarillo free. He was insistent I go with him. I eagerly agreed, excited for our little morning adventure together. (It was always an adventure with Cody.)

I hurriedly dressed and walked outside to the trap where this very ugly, but very sad looking creature named Amarillo was encaged. My heart burst for this helpless animal. I know what you’re thinking- I’m crazy. But our little bushes of forest in our front yard had become Amarillo’s home. All I could think about was how we were trapping Amarillo, ripping him from his home, and banishing him to a faraway land for him to begin again. I felt sad for this creature. We were the ‘master’s’ of our land- the land that he decided to dwell on. We had the say so if he stayed or if we’d end his life, or relocate him. We were in control. He was just along for the ride so to speak. He didn’t ask to be trapped, or for his life to get turned upside down.

Cody loaded the trap up carefully, while Amarillo began heaving his body back and forth. It was obviously his defense mechanism. But under the aggressiveness was fear. Fear of the unknown.

Amarillo was loaded successfully. We hopped in the truck and began our morning adventure. We drove for a few minutes and decided on an area near a little bridge surrounded with woods. Cody retrieved the cage and set it on the ground. Amarillo was trembling. I wondered if he thought we were going to hurt him. Cody carefully and very quickly unlatched the cage. Amarillo literally sprinted out of the cage, heading toward the woods… His new home. But, then he did the oddest thing… Halfway to the woods, he stopped, and turned back to us. His little body was no longer trembling. I swear he had a look of thankfulness in his dark eyes. As fast as Amarillo the Armadillo came into our lives, was as fast as he disappeared.
I feel like Amarillo the Armadillo.
I feel like I was in a safe dwelling place in life. I was content. I was safe and in my comfort zone. Then the ‘Master’, being God, came and scooped me up out of my dwelling place (current life). I temporarily put myself in a cage- just as Amarillo willingly entered his cage. My cage being my emotions, grief and fear of the unknown. When my Master comes to jingle my cage, I tremble, for fear of the unknown. But he knows where He’s taking me- just like we knew where we were taking Amarillo. We knew he had nothing to fear. We knew we were taking him to a better place and a place better suited for him.
I feel like Amarillo the Armadillo. Trusting blindly of the Master’s plan…
“But I trust in you, LORD; I say, “You are my God.”” Psalm 31:14

“When I am afraid, I put my trust in you.” Psalm 56:3
I Trust my God, I Trust my God, I Trust my God….

Words From Heaven

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lake

It never ceases to amaze me how God intricately designs details of our lives, creating a divine moment. For an Anniversary gift several years ago I gave Cody a book titled ‘Married for Life’, Inspirations From Those Married 50 Years or More. We loved this book. If you ever visited our home, you would have seen this book sitting on our coffee table. We made a diligent effort to read an insert from it daily, usually sitting down for dinner. We would mute the television and read out of it before eating. It seemed almost every testimony of marriage we read was for the exact moment we read it (you know how God works). Needless to say, this book was precious to us. Now that Cody is no longer here- It will be a cherished book of mine, forever.

It’s no surprise to most, after his passing, I could not stay in our lake house. While moving a few months ago and unpacking boxes, I came across this book. I have shared the following ‘Words From Heaven’ moment during a ministry event a couple of months ago- but I found such power in it that I have a prompting to share with all of you. Let me disclose that Cody and I never, kept anything in this book. It has an attached silk bookmark built into it. We never stuck random paper in the book or anything of that sort. While coming across the book in my new house, I picked it up. Oddly, I noticed a corner of a piece of paper slightly sticking out. I immediately opened the book and the piece of torn paper fell out of it. The paper was filled with Cody’s handwriting… My heart quickened. I knew I had never seen this piece of paper before. I was anxious to read what he had written. The following words will be etched into my soul forever. This ‘piece of paper’ will be attentively preserved.

Cody’s ‘Words From Heaven’ as I refer to them…

“Sometimes in life—Before you can have new dreams, the old ones have to be taken from you. There is a time and place for everything the Good Book says—Now is the time and this is the place God has brought you to today. To Praise Him like never before. NOW PRAISE HIM with ALL Your HEART. God has a purpose for each of us and it is not insignificant. If you play for yourself- you can be great at something. But if you play for something higher than yourself- there is no limit because it is not your power. Where there is no wisdom the people parish. That means there is no Hope—With Hope Breaths Life!”

Can I just take a moment and say WOW! Imagine someone you love so dearly, here one day and gone the next, so suddenly, and you read words of passion and inspiration they could have written the very day they passed? I am in awe at how God inspired Cody to take the time to write this down and then, not by happenstance, place it in our special book. The first time I read these words was a day when my ‘Praise’ was hard to find. You better believe I hit my knees in praise after reading this. It’s moments like these—Cody making a choice to write this, for whatever reason, and these words will invoke emotion and passion for life and our Creator for as long as this little piece of paper is preserved, that our choices, big and small in life can and do ultimately impact those around us. I love the quote by Maya Angelou, “People will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.” I want to be more aware everyday of ‘how I make people feel’. That is undoubtedly a part our legacy… Let’s make it count! Cody made me feel hope. I witnessed his life as a ray of hope for many souls struggling with addiction. His life was full of battles, redemption and God’s glory until his last day. He made me fearless about dreaming big. Nothing was too big for him to accomplish. He was a fearless soul. I admired his appetite for life and strive to instill the same zest for life in our daughter.

To be an encourager and inspirer in this dark and broken world is being a beacon of hope in what could be viewed as a hopeless situation. I do not believe in ‘hopeless’ situations. Just like Cody wrote, “With hope breaths life”, I’m going to say, ‘With life breaths hope’. If there is a breath of life, there is hope even in the most difficult circumstances. Cody Lusk continuously taught me this while doing life with him, through his death I am still learning this notion. That too, shall be a part of his legacy.

Happy 38^th Birthday to Cody, Celebrating in the Glorious Heavens… Most likely fishing for big, heavenly bass in the most beautiful blue waters.

“He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death’ or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.”

He who was seated on the throne said, “I am making everything new!” Then he said, “Write this down, for these words are trustworthy and true.”

He said to me: “It is done. I am the Alpha and the Omega, the Beginning and the End. To the thirsty I will give water without cost from the spring of the water of life.

Those who are victorious will inherit all this, and I will be their God and they will be my children.””

Revelation 21:4-7

I shall praise The Lord with all my heart and soul, like never before- even when it hurts, especially when it hurts.

I Trust my God, I Trust my God, I Trust my God…

It’s Okay Not to be Okay

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It's Ok Not To Be Ok

God wants every part of who we are. He wants every part of our heart. Even the broken parts. Especially the broken parts. My heart is completely broken. Again. And I am not okay. God is showing me that ‘It Is Okay Not To Be Okay’.

On January 9, 2017 I was with a group of women for Bible Study. Somehow we got on the subject of death and losses ones had faced in life. I was shocked to hear of the heartache some of these ladies had experienced. I spoke the words… “I’ve never experienced a death close to me.” I will never forget uttering those words. Five days later, January 14, my world as I knew it, was changed forever.

Who I was as a person would never be the same. My beautiful family was ripped apart by the disappearance of my Husband. He went missing while fishing on the lake we lived on. It took authorities 5 days to recover his drowned body. Five days of utter silence. Five days of mind torture. Five days of pleading and begging with God to bring him home safely. I have spent the last five months seeking God and trusting Him like never before. I have a 1-year old daughter to raise and be strong for. I didn’t have time to sulk or question God. I didn’t have time to be angry at God.

But my heart is shattered into a million pieces with yet, another drowning accident, this time of my beautiful friend. A friend that was a blessing to me after the death of my husband. A friend that I shared all the details with about my last day with my husband, our last kiss, our last words, as well as the emotions of the 5 days of the search and his body being recovered. She cried with me and laughed with me. She soothed my spirit and soul. I shared with her that God had placed it on my heart to begin writing a book, a testimonial of how good He is. She was so excited and encouraged me to follow the prompting of the Holy Spirit. I was honored that she called me an inspiration. Her faith was big and her smile one of a kind. Now 5 months almost to the day later, God chose to call her home in the same tragic way, a drowning.

I am angry at God. I know the anger will pass. But this blog is about transparency. And God knows my heart anyway. I will never be able to say… “I’ve never experienced a death close to me,” again. I feel like I am grieving my husband’s death all over. The wounds so fresh. Too fresh to be able to separate the grief. I don’t understand God’s plan. I know I’m not supposed to, but it doesn’t make the process any less hard.

One thing every person born into this world have in common is death. Death is inevitable. There is no escaping it. None of us choose to be born and none of us know the day we leave this earth. But what we can choose is how we live our life on this earth. Life is precious. The Lord has shown me the last 5 months that it is not about me! It’s ALL ABOUT HIM! I have to continuously remind myself of this daily. Even in my fleshly anger- I can say, I TRUST MY GOD! I know He is moving mountains on our behalf. He Loves us and desires us to come to true repentance which inevitably leads to True Joy. Through the death of my husband I have felt the presence of The Lord like never before. His Joy and Peace are real. That is what He left for us when he climbed on that cross and shed His blood for us. I choose to not be shaken. I choose to stand and Praise my God, again, and again. Even when my flesh is screaming in anger. I will choose to praise Him through the storms of life. I have a great peace knowing without a shadow of doubt that my husband and beautiful friend are sitting at the right hand of our Creator, praising Him face to face. Honestly, I am jealous. They won the race. While I am still here on this earth I vow to be a light for God, I vow to live in the true joy that is available for us. No matter our circumstances. No matter if we are in a palace or a prison- Joy can be found in either.

Isaiah 54:4-11 is full of power and comfort. “”Fear not, for you will not be ashamed; be not confounded, for you will not be disgraced; for you will forget the shame of your youth, and the reproach of your widowhood you will remember no more. For the Maker is your husband, the Lord of hosts is his name; and the Holy One of Israel is your Redeemer, the God of the whole earth he is called. For the Lord has called you like a wife deserted and grieved in spirit, like a wife of youth when she is cast off, says your God. For a brief moment I deserted you, but with great compassion I will gather you. In overflowing anger for a moment I hid my face from you, but with everlasting love I will have compassion on you,” says the Lord, your Redeemer. “This is like the days of Noah to me; as I swore that the waters of Noah should no more go over the earth, so I have sworn that I will not be angry with you, and will not rebuke you. For the mountains may depart and the hills be removed, but my steadfast love shall not depart from you, and my covenant of peace shall not be removed,” says the Lord, who has compassion on you. “O afflicted one, storm-tossed and not comforted, behold, I will set your stones in antimony, and lay your foundations with sapphires.””

When I first found out of my friends drowning, I was angry. I began praying against the anger. I didn’t want to be mad at God. But I am human, we are all human. We are all emotional beings. God does not expect us not to feel. So I accept that this part of grief will be used by God as well. He is the Master Creator. I am just me. Nothing happens without sifting through our Heavenly Fathers hands first.

Even though we may be weary, God is still God. He is still wooing us to Him from the throne. He will not depart from us. I am learning “It’s Okay Not To be Okay’. That doesn’t mean my faith is waivered or my trust in God has deviated. It means I am human and I need Him.

I Trust my God, I Trust my God, I Trust my God.

I Trust My God, I Trust My God, I Trust My God

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jess&Abby

Hi everyone, I am Jessica Lane Lusk. I started this blog 4-years ago, but we all know ‘life’ happens and I have not posted in a while and have recently updated my blog page.

Many of you may know I recently lost my Husband and Father of my 1-year old daughter in a tragic fishing accident this past January. The last 4-months have been some of the darkest days of my 28-years.

But God is good.

He is continuously showing me His glorious way. He is bringing me to a place of peace- That peace that surpasses all understanding really does exist. He meets us in the valley and sets us on the rock. All He asks is for us to Trust Him… Hence the new title of my Blog, I Trust My God…

I find myself- sometimes dozens of times a day repeating over and over, I Trust My God, I Trust My God, I Trust My God. It helps me. The Holy Spirit is welcomed into my atmosphere when those words are released from my lips.

If you know me, you know that I have had a passion for writing since childhood. I would dream of publishing books. That dream has only grown as time goes on. I earned a Journalism degree in 2010. I am a published writer for many newspapers and magazines in East Texas. I won the TCTA Silver Apple Media Award for in-depth feature stories I wrote on education during my time as a journalist for County Life Magazine in Crockett, TX. Four years ago I wrote a full manuscript. It was a testimonial- My Testimony. I sent it to several publishing companies and to my surprise was sent back a contract to publish it. After much prayer I did not have peace about publishing this piece of work. But this showed me that with hard work, determination and the Holy Spirit guiding me I have the patience and dedication to sit and write a full manuscript. It showed me to dream big, to allow God to dream for me. I say all of this to share my deep passion for writing. We should all use the passion and talent the Lord embedded into us while in the womb, for me that is making a difference by the words I write.
While navigating this new season in life- a life without my husband and father of my child- a life no one ever dreams of having to navigate- The Lord has pressed upon me to write again, to write from my heart, and soul. To share the revelations the Lord has brought to me while drawing closer to Him by reading His word and during prayer… To tell of Who He is. I will be doing that in this Blog and I have recently started writing a new manuscript- that God willing may be published one day.

I have had many people refer to my more recent ‘lengthy’ Facebook posts sharing my thoughts and deep revelations the Lord has brought me to- asking, why I am not posting them on my blog? So I went back through and have since added several blog posts that were originally written on my Facebook page.

Thank you for joining me on this Journey…

They say to ‘write what you know’…

What do I know? I know heartache. I know life at its darkest, most earth-shattering time. I know Redemption in the highest form. I know Love. An all-consuming earthly Love. I know an out of this world eternal Love.

This is what I know.

This is what I will write.

This is my story.

This is my transparent, raw, God Glorifying story.

I Trust my God, I Trust my God, I Trust my God…